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Hi SLU... well, we do need to move FORWARD, and we do DESERVE better (which is why we are supposed to be working on us)... BE the spouse only a FOOL would leave.

((hugs)) to you... Keep venting in here!


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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Thank you but what some of my friends mean by that is completely different from what we call “moving on” I think.

Some of my friends do clearly suggest that I should be open to seeing other people. One of them often kind of jokes about it like “Are you going to the gym obsessively for a reason? (hinting there might be some guy I like works out there?)” or “Or I want you to go to these parties Doctors go and marry one!” I know she's trying to cheer me up or something but every time she says something like that it honestly really makes me mad.

I guess I'm struggling with how people think of "separation"
For me, we separate so we can take our time to figure out what we want. But it seems like a majority in our society encourages separated people date. I guess it's a way to go and I know I won't do it not because I'm against it but only because I don't have a slightest interest/desire to date anyone else right now. I will date a new person or my H when I'm ready to move on, but I don't need my friends to constantly encourage me to do it.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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I just remembered he said yesterday he got a 60" TV when I asked. We laughed about it but inside I was thinking "oh my god that seems like something somebody who's having a MLC would buy"

He then said the TV would probably fit here which confused me then said I wanted to get a big one just in case I move to a bigger place. He just said it unconsciously but my heart sand when I heard it.

Now I'm remembering the email he sent me in late Jan before he moved out.

"I finally understand what a commodity happiness is"

As English is my second language, I sometimes struggle what a simple English phrase means. To this day I didn't understand what he meant by this but is getting his own place, getting a 60" TV was what he was referring to??


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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If anyone has any suggestion/insight I'd greatly appreciate it..

We don't have kids. I let him take one of our 2 cats because the two never got along anyway and the one that went with him loves him to death. Since he left in early March, I have been dim except when he texted me. I'm still planning on going dim because now he's completely off FB he won't have any access to our photos or how I'm up to except my grocery shopping activity on our J account that hopefully he'll feel how it'd be like not having any contact with me.

But quite frankly I'm scared. I'm afraid he'll think I'm done with him.

Should I keep going dim or initiate something..? I'm confused ever after his last visit.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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Quote:
I will date a new person or my H when I'm ready to move on, but I don't need my friends to constantly encourage me to do it.

Hi there. You get what you need from your friends by clearly asking for it. Ask them to stop with the winks and nudges and dating recommendations and tell them you'll let them know if and when you are interested in dating. The unhelpful help of friends and family is the subject of many many posts around here. People just want you to be happy, and they don't understand standing for your marriage. If you're getting advice here, from a therapist, and/or from a db coach, and it's advice that helps you achieve your goals, then turn off the friend-advice tap. Just say no to it, no thanks, it's not helping.

Your question about the meaning of happiness as a commodity and the purchase of large tvs is an effort to mindread, something else that is widely discouraged here, that people do anyway, and then tell here about the consequences they suffer because of it. Read other threads here and you'll start to see a lot of the same things you're going through.

Stop mindreading. Get out of his head, which is probably confusing enough, and stay in your own. Work on you, get a life, explore what you'd like to change about yourself, make good use of this space and time. If and when he wants to come back to you he will let you know, it won't be a hint or unclear.

You worry that he'll think you're not interested if you go dim. Have you expressed to him yet that you want to repair your marriage? If you were clear, then you don't need to keep repeating it. He knows. If you begged and pleaded and cried, he knows. If he asks and you tell him, you don't want this but you understand that he has to follow his journey, and if you look in the meantime very attractive and at peace, I don't think he'll assume you've changed your mind and don't want him.

DB is counter-intuitive, but it can work, you can read the thread s here, and the book, and the success stories. It's a lot more likely that you end your marriage faster by pursuing, and it's a lot more likely that you'll have a chance if you let go and let him feel like you really heard him. You don't control his journey, either way.

Good luck to you.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Adinva, Thank you so much. If my friends bring it up again I’ll be much firm. I felt bad shutting them down because I know they want to help. But if they are good friends they should respect my decision. My best friend and another friend never say anything and in the beginning I felt I wanted them to suggest anything but actually now I’m grateful now they didn’t.

I see on other threads people talk about mind-reading but I guess I don’t realize I’m doing the exact same thing until I’m told. It’s so much easier to ready other people’s sitchs and comment but when it comes to your own sitch, all of a sudden everything is a question.

I worry because I’ve seen threads where some LBS went dim and their WAS thought LBS was done with them they started dating.
It might have nothing to do it but I guess that’s why I worry. I also worry because I’m not sure if he knows I’m not going anywhere. I’m not good with words. Especially when I’m countered by him like Sunday I’d be so quiet. There were million things I wanted to say but I think too much and I can’t even say “I can’t talk about it now but can we talk later?” Like I said in my last post I did try my best and tell him it was not about how I found about the girl he’s dating, but I thought we were not gonna see other people. (We didn’t have S agreement or anything so this S is very unofficial) I just assumed that married people don’t date even if we are separated, at least in my culture it’s not acceptable. But I’m in U.S and when I google on the subject it’s almost widely accepted that separated people date. The last and only thing I could say to him was “I didn't want to say anything to you since last year because I didn't want to overwhelm you but my feelings haven’t been changed” I wonder hard if that was enough to let him know I still want to work on our m.

What should I have said?


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,133
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Have you spoke to H recently SLU?


M36 W31
S4 S2
T5 M4
BD Jan12 S July12
Recon Sep12-Nov12
ILBINILWY Jan13
OM x 2 in 2013
W wants R July 13
I start D. Jan 14.
Meet GF Nov 13
Have I changed enough? Jul 14

The World is still My Oyster!
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oh hey T1000 Thanks for stopping by. No I haven't. We don't have kids so if he doesn't initiate contacting me we go dim for a long time. I really don't think it's a good idea for me to text him.

My WAS shows great remorse whenever we talk and that's really painful to me. If we even ever R, I would not want him to come back out of guilt. I want him to come back because he truly wants to. If not it's never gonna work.

We, LBS feels so resentful sometimes for what WAS have put us through that we want to make them fell guilty for what they've done (familiar with your sitch, eh? T1000? wink but now I kind of understand there's no point in doing that.

Maybe this weekend I'm thinking of driving to a city where we got married. There is a nice harbor and a park I can walk around. I'm gonna bring my good camera and just take pictures. Of course I'm not gonna tell him or mention it to anyone really.
I do not want to feel resentful of the recent discovery and I'm really trying. I think going back to where it all started would make me feel calmer.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,133
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Hi SLU,

We want the WAS to hurt like we have and you are right it doesn't do anything but push them away and make us hold onto the pain longer.

There's advantages and disadvantages to all sitches.
Having kids means some contact and some chances to show how you have changed. It also means you have to chat with someone who has left you about mundane things and look after the kids while they do things.
Living in the same house means lots of contact and chances to show off 180's but again you have to have PMA 100% of the time and sit and watch what your WAS is doing.


Going to where you got married could be a good thing or it could be a bad thing.
I would be moping around feeling sorry for myself.
If you can do it without feeling bad and depressed thats OK. I would find it to difficult myself.


M36 W31
S4 S2
T5 M4
BD Jan12 S July12
Recon Sep12-Nov12
ILBINILWY Jan13
OM x 2 in 2013
W wants R July 13
I start D. Jan 14.
Meet GF Nov 13
Have I changed enough? Jul 14

The World is still My Oyster!
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Yeah I know it will be hard but I just have to remember how it was before - maybe I'll have another realization or two while I'm there.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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