WFM, Sorry I haven't posted on your sitch lately. Been a little crazy with thoughts myself. You've asked so many questions of people that truly can only be answered by yourself. You are very fortunate that a lot of old timers and people are still posting on your thread. It's the same things over and over again. You agonize over every little thing your husband does. This is about you! As much as I am upset about my current situation with my W the one thing I know for sure is that progress has been made because of changes i made in me for me!! I still have a long way to go. But W is confused right now because she honestly thought I couldn't make these changes. If you want progress in your R you have to make progress in you first and i think others are getting frustrated because there doesn't seem to be any meaningful progress. You have to make this about you!
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
hyper-focused... that's me. It's time to take the focus of H and my rel'p. and put it onto me. I believe I can take the focus off h, but not sure how to put it onto me. I am not sure what focusing on me looks like. I have been GAL, and looking at what my requirements are (such as standing up for myself), allowing h to build the bridge to coming back, me not chasing/controlling it, etc. I am not sure what else I should be doing. I am not one to focus on myself...feels opposite of who I am (nurturing, mother, fixer).
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
as read on another thread, applies to me!!.... My goal for this week is to reduce the time worrying about this stuff and focus on the positive sides of our interactions. Continue the friendship with no pressure, look after myself and hope for the best.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
how about working on your anxiety? when anxious thoughts come into your mind, find a way to LET THEM GO...
maybe tell your self that it's not important and it will work out. maybe tell yourself that you are not captain of the world and it will keep spinning without you trying to control it??
maybe stop thinking about your H and when you start to, think about how beautiful the day is and how lucky you are to be able to see it?
maybe plant some flowers, volunteer at a nursing home so you can talk to other people about their lives (do NOT bring up your sitch or H)?
maybe take some brisk walks? maybe turn off your phone for a couple of hours each day?
refocus, refocus. stop thinking about how this all effects YOU and think about others. really look at the people you interact with and be kind to them (the grocery store clerks, the bank tellers, the cashiers at walmart, etc.).
figure out why you and H always fought? i'm sure there's some improvement on your part that needs to be done. it can't all be his fault.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I just caught up. Man, waiting...I seriously need a zanax after reading that. Deep breath.
You have gotten wonderful advice, really try to slow down and process it. Yes, we are here for spinning. I've done it. But I ususally just post the anger/spin, then write what I'm doing to not act on it. You spin, ask the same questions like you have no idea what the answer is.
You need to finish the book. You need to focus on you. What are your 3 GALS you will start this week? Not going out with friends, but a hobby, a home project, excersise program. Take ALL THIS ENGERGY you waste obessing about your H, and channel it into something for you!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
yes, I am afraid of doing the wrong thing... for years... because I was always told it was the wrong thing! So, this turned me into a person who would then ask for h approval first. That doesnt work either! Nothing works!
More blame for your H. You'll never be able to fix yourself as long as you keep heaping all the blame on your H. You said his primary complaint was the constant arguing and based on your description of the arguing it sounds like you spent a lot of time blaming him. You're still doing it!
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PON... don't you want me to post my "crazies here & not let him know about them?"
99% of yours posts are H-focused. "He did X, Y and Z, how do I respond?" "H did this today, is that a good sign?" "He said this and I said that, did I do the right thing?" The bulk of your posts should be about YOU, what YOU are doing to recover from this, how YOU are GAL'ing, how YOU are becoming a spouse only a fool would leave. I am STILL reading "more of the same" behavior every time you post! You're still coming off as the same needy, desperate, clingy person that is hanging on H's every word and deed!
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PON.. when you suggest that I stop discussing him, how can I ... when I have so much interaction with him that I am trying to process?
YOU HAVE TO QUIT PROCESSING THEM!!!! That is what we keep telling you! Quit the mind-reading!! Drop it! Your H is DONE with you! Your M is DEAD! You have to start the long process of building yourself into a better person, and hopefully that in turn will attract your H back, but we're talking many months of hard work first. Until then you just have to accept he is done and that hyper-analyzing every single exchange is time wasted and taking your focus from where it needs to be.
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My 180's have to include business
180's are doing the opposite of what you were doing WRONG before. So were you doing things WRONG in the business?
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most/all of our issues have to do with the business, because we weren't doing ANYTHING else, inspite of my requests for rel'p.
Still blaming H.
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One of my new/recent 180's are to recognize that I am trying to control this situation.
That's not a 180. Doing the opposite, IE, not controlling, THAT is a 180. "Recognizing" the problem is not a 180.
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So, when he is nice... I post here & am nice back... when he is distant... I post here & am giving space back... Is this not DB'ing?
No. You're responding to his mood swings. DB'ing is detaching from his mood swings, giving him space when he's nice and giving him space when he's distant and ALWAYS being nice to him. Detach doesn't mean being cold and distant. You're supposed to "lovingly" detach.
DB never stops even when you think you're back on track it continues. I'm DB this week BIG time. The old me would have choked my W this week. It has been very challenging and I almost slipped last night. Was very frustrated. Space and GAL will forever be a part of your life
AS, actually the arguments were not about blaming him. More like, I was minding my own merry self, and in came h, ready to pounce. But, I will consider what you said, as I do see blame in the way I wrote that. Yes, I realize that "recognizing the controlling/anxiety" issue is not the 180, but recognizing it is a start...I never saw it like that before. Now, I will work on allowing things to let be. Also, I am ALWAYS nice to him, and he seems to be nice back too. Even this morning, he said to me "sorry for missing my call" and gave a reason why he missed it. That's 2 comments/behaviours out of him that I haven't seen since we first started going out.
So... I guess you guys don't want to hear about today's interaction with h? oh well... We had to drive again about 45 mins out of city, I listened to h talk about his friend looking at cottages, work, other people, he then said after we pay his mom, my D, and what the business owes me, he'd like to buy a jeep for me & put it under the company name. I didn't respond much, other than how we would run it under the company.
I came back to my parents, cleaned a vehicle and am now heading to the city to take my daughter to apply for jobs. 180 for me, I don't like to go into the city...but am doing so for my awesome D.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
