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beautiful post, 25. i am so proud to know you. truly.

and, adinva, your son, whatever he may be dealing with, is blessed to have your unconditional love.


Me(f): 51 W: 41
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"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

All of those posts were resistant to the possibility. I think they ALL said they thought it was probably just drugs…as if doing drugs was FAR preferable. Far less frightening. Almost as if they were reassuring you that he's not GAY.. Well maybe he is & maybe he isn't.
May I remind folks that that we have gay posters here? Some of them have posted on this thread.



25

No, I'm pretty sure that I do not need your reminder, nor do most people posting on this thread.

The reason, at least for me, is that it is a non issue..

The GAY issue,as you called it, is a non issue for me. I'm not really concerned if people are gay, pink, redneck, black, white or anything else. They are people....and they hurt, learn, and heal. They need support, and to feel loved, and validated. Their "status" isn't important.


If her son happens to be gay, or experimenting, or flying to the moon in a rowboat....

The issue at hand, is the drug issue...

THAT is why I didn't mention it....

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Originally Posted By: RockJC
What is the difference between Pity and Empathy?
Does Grace and forgiveness require Empathy?

Interesting points that I haven't ever thought about before.

Empathy - The intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

Pity - sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another, often leading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy.

I don't completely understand.


I am sure people have weighed in and this question is long gone lol, but here are Ruby's definitions:

Empathy: That feeling in your stomach when someone tells you something cuz you yourself have been there done that. You know you understand exactly how it feels

Sympathy: You feel for the person, you want to help, but you are still possibly thinking that their sandwich looks awful good and are wondering if maybe you can have a bite.....

Empathy, you are in it...
Sympathy you are not...

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I did not get the vibe that drugs were preferable to gay either...my first thought was a sadness that it was something to be done in a bathroom away from everyone else...like it was illicit frown

Convo with D13:
D: Mom, how do I know if I like girls or boys?
Me: Well do you want to kiss boys or girls or both?
D: I don't know.
Me: Well, wait another six months until hormones kick in and your body will let you know.
D: Okay, Thanks !

D is very cool kid lol!!

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Originally Posted By: Mach1
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

All of those posts were resistant to the possibility. I think they ALL said they thought it was probably just drugs…as if doing drugs was FAR preferable. Far less frightening. Almost as if they were reassuring you that he's not GAY.. Well maybe he is & maybe he isn't.
May I remind folks that that we have gay posters here? Some of them have posted on this thread.



25

No, I'm pretty sure that I do not need your reminder, nor do most people posting on this thread.

The reason, at least for me, is that it is a non issue..

The GAY issue,as you called it, is a non issue for me. I'm not really concerned if people are gay, pink, redneck, black, white or anything else. They are people....and they hurt, learn, and heal. They need support, and to feel loved, and validated. Their "status" isn't important.


If her son happens to be gay, or experimenting, or flying to the moon in a rowboat....

The issue at hand, is the drug issue...

THAT is why I didn't mention it....





We really need more smileys/emoticons around here, DB admins/mods. It's posts like this one that make me want to reach for the "standing ovation" emoticon.


whistle whistle whistle whistle


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I think it was nice of 25 to support the feelings of the DBers who might have felt offended by seeming reassurances that my son isn't necessarily gay because he takes showers with his buddies. I saw those comments as just participating in the discussion of what does this mean - does it mean drugs necessarily, or is it a sexual experimentation thing, or is it just boys having harmless fun and being silly - my personal answer is it's probably some of all three and maybe more we didn't think of.

My job as a parent is not to prevent him from being or acting gay - as if we could! - but it is to prevent him from being sexual before he's ready or without being safe, and to prevent him from becoming a drug addict or even a social drug user with an unfortunate conviction that wreaks havoc on his life and dreams.

I think sometimes, like a game of wack-a-mole, that each behavior we discover and shut down will spawn another one we didn't anticipate, until hopefully his own good judgment kicks in.

I appreciate having this wide group of people to draw wisdom and ideas from - so much. I would not have thought that "axe wars" was covering up drug use, but now that I do, by being willing to share that information openly with other people and risk their judging me and my son, I can let some others onto that "secret" and help our (it takes a) village nip this in the bud, no pun intended. Similarly, by being open to hearing whatever you guys have to say, I can learn and share more than I knew before potentially.

I have recently been in the position of looking like a crazy fanatic for standing up for people who might have been offended, or might not, but weren't saying anything about it themselves. I see no harm in 25's lecture, because if you weren't putting down gay people you know that, and if gay people felt put down anyway, 25 stood up for them.

In our house, we've been pretty vocal that we do not judge people based on who they love. We know some of the kids we've watched grow up in and out of our house are going to be gay, just statistically, and they'll be accepted by the adults here no matter what.

The shower thing, like so many things that a pack of teenage boys will do, started out looking like normal goofing around, then precedent was set, then it increased while H and I were scratching our heads about it. Before we figured out there were kids getting high in our house, we never would have thought that's what they might be doing in there. They wear shorts in there. They always have some kind of answer if you ask a question. They're always being silly and funny, and it seemed like just part of that routine, at first. Based on what else is going on though, I'm 100% sure that the bro showers were for the purpose of smoking pot.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
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the pot scenario sounds far more likely now, Ad. But as I said before, we didn't have enough info to know. Seems we do now.

So how's your son's view on "the big day", now? And are you sharing all of this with your h? Does the amnesty part (which I think I mentioned, I LOVE) apply to him or does your son have your word that what he said that day, is confidential?

I know there are arguments that as his dad, your h has the right to know. I get that. But the priest who married my h and I said 2 helpful things to us when we got married (which is not a lot).

One of them was "deceit is not good in a marriage. But neither is giving your spouse a reason for it, by over reacting to a bad event". He used the dented car as an example and said "so if you go berserk when she dents the car, the next time it happens even if it's not her fault, she may want to hide it from you to avoid a crazy blow up"...

And when it comes to your son being honest with you about his drug use, which is potentially a serious health issue, I could make an argument both ways.

Your h does sound as if his approach DIScourages open communication, to say the least.

That's got to be a challenge for you.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: Mach1
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

All of those posts were resistant to the possibility. I think they ALL said they thought it was probably just drugs…as if doing drugs was FAR preferable. Far less frightening. Almost as if they were reassuring you that he's not GAY.. Well maybe he is & maybe he isn't.
May I remind folks that that we have gay posters here? Some of them have posted on this thread.

25

No, I'm pretty sure that I do not need your reminder, nor do most people posting on this thread.
The reason, at least for me, is that it is a non issue..

The GAY issue,as you called it, is a non issue for me.

Um, Where did I call it "the GAY issue"?

And Is it my imagination, or are you angry at me for saying anything about it? If you had said nothing, it wasn't about you.

Besides, I openly admitted to the real possibility of being overly sensitive to the issue.

So Yes, I guess emoticons would be good to have.

Adinva, so sorry for the tangents/hijack .





M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Um, Where did I call it "the GAY issue"?

And Is it my imagination, or are you angry at me for saying anything about it? If you had said nothing, it wasn't about you.

Besides, I openly admitted to the real possibility of being overly sensitive to the issue.

So Yes, I guess emoticons would be good to have.

Adinva, so sorry for the tangents/hijack .




Considering that YOU were the only one to mention it...

I would say that YOU were the one to put a label on it....

25, I'm not here to argue with you, nor will I..

This is simple for me..

I don't need a lecture, or "reminding", just because I didn't acknowledge, or agree with your theory...

I'm not angry at all, with you, at you, AD, or anyone else.

You called me out, and I answered you...

I respect your opinion, even if I may not agree with it, or acknowledge it... maybe you could do the same



AD, apologies for this....

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AD one thing I learned is that u can't do the walk for him but u can walk with him as you have been doing. Chances are that he will turn out fine once he goes through this phase. Kids sometimes behave like a WAS.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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