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Originally Posted By: hotwheelsaust
StillLookingUp, love that quote:
"I've said this before and I'll say this again but if this whole thing hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been able to find myself and do all the thinking and GAL. So for that I really want to thank my H. Don't get me wrong. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I know some of my friends don't understand why I'm being patient. Well newsflash - they haven't been in our m. I decide our m is worth fighting for."
Kinda where I am now.


Thank you, hotwheelsaust. Hang in there!
Just yesterday, I was talking with a co-worker who also is a good friend and knows my situation. I told her my mom is flying from overseas for my best friend's baby shower I'll be hosting. I also told her my MIL is also coming. And my co-worker immediately said "Won't your mom say something to your MIL? about what your H is doing to you" ??? What is he doing to me? Nothing. She is a mom also so I get she's speaking from a mother's perspective and she's in a protective mode for me. Again, this kind of comment tells me she's so frustrated that I'm being nice to H. She's a long time friend at work and seen I have been by my H side when he was unemployed 3 years etc so I totally understand she feels for me... BUT I can't let her frustration confuse me.

Anyway I see absolutely nothing wrong with them both coming to the shower because I haven't said anything bad about my H to my mom or his mom. Interestingly my mom genuinely understands what H is going through and my MIL is supporting me all the way. MIL has been my greatest emotional support through this. She understands that I'm giving H time and space he needs and she doesn't at all pressure him.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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Journaling -

It is starting to hit me. I’m staying positive but the next few days will be really tough. H went to buy fridge and mattress at an outlet store early this week and he’s having them delivered today at his new place. He knows I don’t like hearing about anything to do with his new place too much so he’s being considerate and he just tells me that he’d be late for dinner because he’s going to an outlet after work or he’s going to work late because he’s having them delivered at his new place etc.

My friend and I went to see a musical last night and had a great time and I’m planning on continuing to do fun stuff with my friends more after he leaves. But I can’t keep track of the number of times I catch myself welling up just out of blue throughout the day. I usually manage to pull myself together and think happy thoughts but that’s going to be tough the next few days.

On the brighter side though, he’s definitely more engaged with me. This morning he turned away from his computer and asked how the last night’s play was. That almost NEVER happened, even before D was dropped. I was usually the one who would just tell him what I did today when he was still playing games on his computer. I usually had to ask him to pay attention to me when I talked. He continues to wait at the door before he leaves house for work because he knows I would hop on a couch and give him a hug(quite a height difference), hugs me back tight and rubs my back.

I think I will have to ask him tonight if he’s moving out this weekend because I know he was planning on leaving once he got appliances. I have to stay positive but I’m not gonna lie here.. it is hard.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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My H unofficially moved out Sunday. He rented a truck in the morning so I thought he would be using that to move stuff out of the house but he just used it to pick up mattress etc and returned it so I thought he was not moving out that day. Well I got excited for nothing. He started loading his computer and some clothes in his car that I knew for sure he’d be out that day. There’s no way he can last a day without his computer because it is his life. He just uses his sedan to move stuff without anyone’s help so he’ll be making many trips back and forth – That’s why I said he unofficially moved out Sunday. It was getting dark out and he told me he would be spending the night at his place that night. I already knew that but I nodded and he came closer to give me a hug. It was a long, tight and loving hug that I started crying in his arms. I didn’t hop on a chair this time so I don’t think he saw my crying face but my whole body was shaking from crying. I pulled myself away from him because I didn’t want him to see my face and also because I was ready to collapse on the floor. Pulling away from him was all I could do. I couldn’t say anything else. We both said nothing and I started walking to the kitchen and he walked away to the garage. After I heard the door closed, I collapsed on the floor.

It was the hardest night of my life, bar none.

He stopped by last night to grab few more stuff. I wished he wouldn’t come by last night because I was not feeling well and lying down on the couch. The last thing I wanted to see was for him to go back and forth to load more stuff. He just came in, saw the diaper cake I finished making on a kitchen counter and gave me a compliment, grabbed his belt and shampoo and left. As usual, when he got to the front door I hopped on the chair to give him a hug. Again it was a pretty long tight one. I felt he was not letting me go when I was ready to pull away.

I am sadder than ever and still wish he didn’t have to move out.
Having said that, I can’t deny but feel relieved and even little excited that I’ll have all this me time now to work on myself.
Right after D was dropped 4 months ago, I implemented 180 right away and it seemed to be working for a while, or so I thought.
But for my H, letting him guess my whereabout, GAL etc were not really working. It was making him further away.
Ever since I went back to letting him know my schedules, hugging him and kissing him occasionally on the forehead etc, I have felt much closer to him. Now he’ll be out of the house that I’ll really be able to focus on my GAL.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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It’s been over a month since my H moved out. When he came back to grab hew more things the next day he moved out, I helped to carry some stuff to his car in the garage. We were saying bye and he said he’d give me a call when he comes to get the stuff in the garage. Whenever he mentions getting the rest of his stuff my heart sinks. I know that’s what “moving out” means but I guess deep down I want this S to be just temporarily so badly that I know I’m hoping he doesn’t have to take the “rest of his stuff” to his new place.

It’s been over a month and so far he hasn’t come back to get “the rest.” One thing I’m being really careful about is that I don’t send a wrong message. I’ve read some posts here that making changes to the house etc made WAS think that we’ve moved on and scare/upset them so I haven’t touched his stuff in the garage, his hobby desk etc at all. He also still has the key and remote to our house & garage and he lets himself in whenever he has to come get his stuff (mail, packages that he ordered before he moved out) He does let me know via text beforehand that he needs to come, I say ok and he lets himself in. Some people might have problem with that but I don’t. I actually like that he still holds onto the key. One thing I’ve noticed – he does seem to like to come get stuff when I’m not home and he only takes what he needs (mail or packages) and not the rest of his stuff.

I don’t text him unless he texts me so you can say I was going dim. I haven’t posted anything on FB since last Oct (BD) so nobody knew what I’d been up to except friends and family I occasionally update my sitch. I hosted a baby shower for my best friend few weeks ago that I put my heart and soul in. The shower turned out wonderfully and I debated if I should post pics on fb or not but I ended up posting them mainly because I wanted my bf’s family and friends on fb to share. The next day he texted to tell me he saw the pics and how great everything turned out. He was still living at home when I was making a diaper cake so he knew how hard I was working on this shower. He also asked how one of our cats were doing (because he was supposed to take her when she recovered from her surgery), and if I was going to the charity walk for his sister that weekend. I told him I was going with my girlfriend and that I could not miss it this year because I missed last year. Right after that I saw he registered for the walk online. I only took that as a positive sign for 10 min and my negative thoughts started going through my head. “Why did he donate $25 extra? Is it for his date?” “Did he ask if I was going because he didn’t want me to come?” I know I shouldn’t but it’s my nature I guess.

Deep down I knew he was not gonna bring a date to a family event even if he did have one but I sometimes feel I don’t know him anymore that I speculate things. When I got there with my friend he was sitting next to his mom. His mom walked up to me and gave me a hug, which felt tighter than before. She knows I’m putting on a smile outside but hurting inside. I went to hug all the family members and when I went to hug my H, he kissed me on my head.

I’m so glad I asked my friend to come. She definitely helped to lighten me up in an awkward situation that I was able to act happy and fun throughout the day. I had a ladybug on my forehead and everyone was yelling and telling me to not flick it. My H was keeping an eye on where the ladybug was going and every time I moved, everyone had big laughs. We really had a great time. I remembered there would usually be a brunch at MIL’s house after the walk for the family but when we were walking to the parking, I quickly said that I parked the other side and I was leaving. I’m sure my MIL wanted to spend some time with her daughter and son I didn’t want to create a weird obligation for her.

This was particularly good day because I had a serious awakening…

As I was leaving, I thought about my friend who drove more than an hour for this walk and how appreciative I was of her. I don’t know if I ever mentioned this on here but I’ve always had trouble letting people become friends with me. I always hated happy hour because I felt why would I want to go have a drink (I prefer juice over cocktails!) and chat about guys and stuff. I always felt it was such a waste of time when I could go home and have comfy time with my H and cats. My H never understood this. He always joked (now I think about it he wasn’t joking) how I intentionally didn’t make friends. This is very true. One time I even said “I only want to be friends with someone who I gain something from” …………. What kind of bitxx would say that? I did. When I said this he froze and had a little disrespectful face. He said “When you say like that you are superior than them or something” I honestly didn’t mean that but now I know I did. He was right all along. People liked me but I didn’t give them a chance. I always had excuses for not making friends and blamed the entire world I’m here all alone and all my friends and family are in my mother country. This girl who came to walk with me always liked me and I liked her, but I never initiated hanging out with her outside of work because I wanted to spend time with my H. This close-minded and arrogant attitude of mine greatly affected our relationship. I’d say it’s one of the biggest reasons he wanted to leave.

I truly want to thank my H for waking me up.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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That is great for you to understand that you may have have been holding yourself back from the simple pleasure and value of having friends, just for the sake of having friends. Companionship.

It does not mean that you always have to go out and make small talk. There's no obligation to always do things with friends.

On his stuff in the garage and being "OK" with it being there and otherwise worrying that if you tell him to get his stuff out of the garage, you might chase him further away.

It is a funny thing about human nature. We have a tendency to want what we can't have. So when a WAS begins to see a LBS who is moving on with their life, they have a tendency to become curious and may actually start pursuing.

While that may be true, it is not something that you want to test. Moving on without the WAS is basically LRT. And what that means is, you are ultimately OK with getting D. You certainly can do LRT at some later point, if you are finally done.

In the mean time, you are having a lot of contact and your H has reasons to visit. If access to the house is not a concern for you and his stuff in the garage is not in your way, then certainly it IS ok to leave those things as they are.

What are some other GAL activities that you are planning on doing? Any new 180s you have planned? like... meeting new people and making new friends?

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Thank you for your comment. I especially like the first line you wrote about friends. The simple pleasure and value of having friends, companionship. I feel like a child learning new simple things every day! hahaha

I understand the WAS pursing LBS but like the typical 180 didn't work for my H while we were still living together, I don't think it'll work for him. I just know in my guts that hinting him I've moved on will send a wrong message. So I'm not moving his stuff in the house or asking him about the keys he still has to the house. (And of course I actually don't mind that he does) Soon after BD, I started going out and letting him know little about whereabout and detaching physically. While I think it may have worked a little, he seemed even more distant as time went by. I don't think my distancing was doing our sitch any favor. So I decided to change it back little bit and increase physical touch... only I couldn't. My coach suggested that I would do little more drastic to have a physical contact with him since I was so beyond scared to even touch him. It was like he had an invisible barrier around him. I was still scared and all I could was give him a hug before I went to bed. Then his grandpa passed and I supported him in any way I could. Since around that time my fear just went away. Looking at his grandpa in bed and seeing his wife of over 60 years talking to him even though he wasn't responding did something to my head. I realized I should at least show H how much I care about him without saying it with words that might have pushed him away. I hugged him as many times as I could and I noticed he was hugging me back really tight and even longer than I anticipated. I'm sure he felt the love from me he had always wanted to feel for years..

My GALs? Too many to list here! I actually carry a small notebook in my purse now and every time I do something new or exciting (even the smallest things!) I log what I did in the notebook. But the biggest one has to be volunteering and driving. I mean now I drive anywhere without even thinking but before… pffft it’s so embarrassing to even say I would dread about going somewhere alone I ended up not going a lot of places because of that. How much fun had I missed out on all these years!

Driving anywhere
More new places, the better!

Improving cooking skills.
I always cooked dinners almost every night and my H loved it but I was always cooking the same thing and never really made time to improve it. What’s worse is that whenever I tried making something new and failed, I would throw the biggest fit and never cooked the same thing again. Talk about being cynical! And I don’t like reading recipes so my goal is to try new recipes and practice.

Having girls’ night at my house and treat them to my cooking.
We just did this the other night and we had a BLAST. I can’t believe I never even thought about inviting them to my house for dinner before.

Saying yes to any kind of fun activities/invitations from friends.
So far I’ve done go-carting and photo shoot. As the Summer approaches I know I’m adding more fun activities to the list.

Toning up.
People consider I’m so tiny and skinny but that’s because I hide really well. They obviously haven’t see my flabby thighs because I always hide them. My legs have always been my biggest complex and just like driving I give up wearing different types of clothes because of that. I’ve been really focusing on toning up so I can wear mini skirts like I never have. I’m beginning to be able to wear slim tight gym pants and not being so self-conscious about it already. I’m taking one step at a time..

So basically I had been a wife who always did the same thing, stayed home, wanted to hang out with H all the time, and wore jeans all the time. Geez!


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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It turned a somewhat worse turn for me yesterday -

Weeks ago I accidentally noticed he changed his status to Separated. Around that time I noticed a same girl I've never seen before posting funny pictures on his wall. He wasn't really commenting on the pics. One day he posted some article I had no idea about but I must have "liked" it as I was falling asleep with my phone in my hand. I noticed that I "liked" it few hours later and unliked it.. only because I had no idea what the article was about. It wasn't because "oh [censored] he's not supposed to know I'm looking at his stuff" Few hours later I noticed the same girl did leave a decent comment on the article.

I also noticed she tagged him in her pictures from a recent hike.

The girl's wall or the pictures are open to public or friends of friends so I could see everything. I cried hard that night as I was finding out about her. She's very cute, tall, a mother of three, is into video games and geek stuff just like my H does. One of her kids' names is my H's favorite movie. She seems like an absolute opposite of me. She also seems like somebody who would be perfect for my H.

I found out about this girl before the charity walk we both went and mentioned in a post before this. After the walk, I noticed again accidentally H removed the marital status from his fb completely. I somehow took it as a good sign that he's not telling the world "he's separated" Since the walk, I still noticed the girl kept posting funny pictures on his wall but he was not commenting on any of it. His sister said something on his wall and he replied right away.

Then yesterday on Mother's day, H called me. (He never calls. We only text when we have to) and asked if I was home because he needed to pick up a CD or something. I knew something was up because he could just come in and get whatever he needs when I'm not home. I knew he needed to see me. He got here and he was looking for whatever he needed but was struggling. As soon as I asked what he was looking for I spotted it right away and gave it to him. He was still standing and didn't look like he was gonna go in the next few min. It was really warm inside so I went to get myself a glass of cold tea and he asked if he could have some. I sat down in a dining chair and he sat down also. I knew he was not gonna leave anytime soon. We chatted for about 2 hours. There was a time we didn't have anything else to update each other and had awkward silence. I was telling him I'm helping my friend to set up a budget and he said "oh that reminds me, the money I'm putting in J checking, is that enough? I was thinking about it the other day and thought maybe that wasn't enough" I reminded him no he puts $$ bi-weekly so he's actually putting twice more than he's thinking. I see on this board sometimes getting money from WAS gets nasty. So far he's been more than great in terms of that but.... to tell you the truth it kills me when he says something like this nice. I almost wish he would act like an a@@ so I wouldn't be so attached.

We were running out of stuff to talk about but I was showing him pictures my friend took at the walk. At the end of the slideshow, out of nowhere he said "So we need to talk about facebook" It really shocked me as he said it very nervously. It was almost like a kid who did something wrong but dreaded to bring it up. I was calm and just listened. He said "So by now you know I started seeing someone" I was quiet and didn't say anything. "I'm so sorry you had to find it on fb. I was so busy with work and didn't realize people see stuff on my wall. A couple of people told me how inconsiderate/inappropriate it is. I'm so sorry I really didn't mean for you to find out like that" Again I was silent. I don't know if I was hurt or appreciated his telling me this. I was just dead quiet. He then said something like how few people (idk if he means his friends or family members) don't like her. I was still quiet and he said he'd totally understand if I didn't wanna talk about it now. I wanted to say something really badly but I just couldn't figure it out.

He got up and said I've been meaning to give you back the parking pass. It's in my car so I'll get it and come back. When he came back, I said I did notice the girl on his wall. He said that he thought I might have noticed it because one day he got a notification I made a comment on his stuff but the comment went away. (He was referring to my "liking-unliking while falling asleep" incident) so I told him the truth. But I also said that's about the time I started seeing the same girl on his wall. I don't know if I should have said it but I told him how it made me so jealous, it made me so jealous that this girl seems to have a lot in common with him. I guess I chose to say that because throughout our m, I was never jealous of any girl he interacted with because I trusted him completely. But I might have had an attitude like "you are not going anywhere when you have me!"

So whether it was DB-ing or not I felt I needed to tell him how I felt learning about it. He kept saying sorry and it started annoying me. I calmly said "It's not that honey. It doesn't matter if I found out about it on fb, from your friends, your family or from you even. I just didn't think you would be dating at all" Again I don't know if it was good or bad but I'm kind of proud of myself for saying that to him. That was my honest feeling about all this.

He looked at our desk area and said he needs to come get all these (just his desk accessories) and his old car sitting in our garage. We are still paying ins for it even though it's non-operative. I already hated the car and wanted him to sell it for the longest time but he never got around to it. Now he's mentioned it a couple of times he needs to sell it so I can use the garage space. Again Idk if he's saying that to be nice but it kills me whenever he says that. I feel that way because if he sells it it's one less thing attached.

Strangely enough he did give me back the parking pass but didn't even mention about giving me the house key or the garage opener.

After he left, I felt completely numb. I couldn't cry. It hurt so badly inside but could not cry.

I can't call my mom because she'll be so worried and I can't do that. I told my best friend last night I couldn't go to her house like promised because something came up. She understood and didn't ask me why, which I really appreciated. I don't wanna talk to my girl friends at work because they will be telling me to move on.

I need you DB friends more than ever. This is so hard but my gut tells me I shouldn't give up. Need encouragement please.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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One more thing I told him before he left -

"I'd be the happiest with you but ultimately I want you to be happy"


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 260
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Oops I left out one important fact -

So he basically came by to say sorry to me in person and that he decided to delete his fb account all together. After he left I checked fb and he was completely off from fb.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 260
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Who do you talk to when you have down days? I've been ok not talking at all about sitch to my friends until now. It hurts that I want to talk but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't because of the anticipated responses "you need to move on, you deserve better than this," which I don't need to hear.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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