Married 15 yrs, 5 kids (one mine before marriage). Initial BD 2/2011, W filed 9/12, trial date set for 6/13. Last 6-8 months have been pretty awesome day to day, but W says she still doesn't feel any different about our past and wants to continue with D.
Multiple EAs on W's side, one where she continues to have regular contact. She agreed a few months ago not to talk to him or about him in our house, and only slipped on it a few times.
I've been working on insecurity, controlling behavior, being judgmental, being light hearted and fun and having a stronger faith. I feel really good about where I'm at, but there's still some deep seeded bad habits I have to watch out for, so I continue to work on it.
My issues concerning W:
- Continued contact with OM - W still wants D and believes that she can't truly be herself unless she has it
W's issues concerning me:
- A lot of resentment for first 10 years of M and resistant to forgive - Afraid of being disappointed again, so resistant to becoming vunerable - Believes once she makes a decision she has to stick with it
My current plan:
After our last discussion about D (a week ago), I felt like I needed to change gears. Great advice from Mach1 and when I read back thru my thread, I see that in November Denver was actually telling me the "plan A, plan B" thing:
Quote:
Plan A - Get along with cheating spouse, show them legit changes, don't rock the boat, be kind and loving, be the person that the cheating spouse fell in love with... essentially be the rock... the lighthouse home.
Plan B - Take all of that away from the cheating spouse. No contact except for "bills and boys" as J3B coined it.
Honestly, it won't be as drastic as described above as we are still living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed, but I'm basically starting plan B. I have accepted that D is coming and decided that I will take a proactive approach. I will meet with my attorney in the next week or two and nail out the details of the D and start moving in that direction. I am not going to enter back into a relationship with W unless she wants it, and is willing to stop all contact with OM.
And with that....journaling these two tidbits:
1) Last night during work conversation, I asked if OM was involved. She said no, so I asked if she could cut contact completely at this point without impacting her business, and she said "yeah." So her excuses for OM contact are gone, yet they are still in contact daily. I think this is important...it's fully in her control now, there's no financial implications.
2) This morning W tells me, "if I get this deal, I'm going to take you to Vegas!" Prior to our last court date, this wouldn't have surprised me because of how well things seemed. But now, I have pulled back considerably...no touching, no hanging out, etc, so it's a little bit weird to hear that.
- A lot of resentment for first 10 years of M and resistant to forgive - Afraid of being disappointed again, so resistant to becoming vunerable - Believes once she makes a decision she has to stick with it
Wow, it sounds like your W and mine have the same "Big Book Of Reasons For Divorce". That's practically word for word what my W has told me as well. She repeated that last line often in MC, it was something of a mantra for her. That and "I don't want to try".
Old thread locked down and I had a couple of interesting things I wanted to document so we'll get a new one going.
W's issues concerning me:
- A lot of resentment for first 10 years of M and resistant to forgive - Afraid of being disappointed again, so resistant to becoming vunerable - Believes once she makes a decision she has to stick with it
Did she tell you that she has to stick with it or is that something you believe to be true?
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
My current plan:
After our last discussion about D (a week ago), I felt like I needed to change gears. Great advice from Mach1 and when I read back thru my thread, I see that in November Denver was actually telling me the "plan A, plan B" thing:
Quote:
Plan A - Get along with cheating spouse, show them legit changes, don't rock the boat, be kind and loving, be the person that the cheating spouse fell in love with... essentially be the rock... the lighthouse home.
Plan B - Take all of that away from the cheating spouse. No contact except for "bills and boys" as J3B coined it.
Honestly, it won't be as drastic as described above as we are still living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed, but I'm basically starting plan B. I have accepted that D is coming and decided that I will take a proactive approach. I will meet with my attorney in the next week or two and nail out the details of the D and start moving in that direction. I am not going to enter back into a relationship with W unless she wants it, and is willing to stop all contact with OM.
Honestly - I'm confused what A has to do with B. You should be able to do both. In fact, I would argue that you need both.
If you just do B - you are going to come across as a D!ck. It's not your place to show your w consequences.. life will do that.
If you need to do plan b to help you move forward - I can understand that, but you can still be loving in the process.
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
And with that....journaling these two tidbits:
1) Last night during work conversation, I asked if OM was involved. She said no, so I asked if she could cut contact completely at this point without impacting her business, and she said "yeah." So her excuses for OM contact are gone, yet they are still in contact daily. I think this is important...it's fully in her control now, there's no financial implications.
2) This morning W tells me, "if I get this deal, I'm going to take you to Vegas!" Prior to our last court date, this wouldn't have surprised me because of how well things seemed. But now, I have pulled back considerably...no touching, no hanging out, etc, so it's a little bit weird to hear that.
Okay so you asked #1 - how does that affect your actions moving forward?
And why is #2 weird? Seems like typical WAS spew to me.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
- A lot of resentment for first 10 years of M and resistant to forgive - Afraid of being disappointed again, so resistant to becoming vunerable - Believes once she makes a decision she has to stick with it
Wow, it sounds like your W and mine have the same "Big Book Of Reasons For Divorce". That's practically word for word what my W has told me as well. She repeated that last line often in MC, it was something of a mantra for her. That and "I don't want to try".
Yeah, these are pretty much the same as I wrote in November. The only change is that I removed "people don't change." She actually changed her tune on that one.
I was kinda hoping your sitch would have gone better after retrouv since there are a lot of similarities...bums me out.
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
Did she tell you that she has to stick with it or is that something you believe to be true?
She's said it a number of times, though recently she just said "I don't feel any different." I think she might bend on this last point honestly, as she already changed her tune on "people don't change." But she's dug in pretty good on "I'm not going to get over it."
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
Honestly - I'm confused what A has to do with B. You should be able to do both. In fact, I would argue that you need both.
If you just do B - you are going to come across as a D!ck. It's not your place to show your w consequences.. life will do that.
If you need to do plan b to help you move forward - I can understand that, but you can still be loving in the process.
For the last 6-8 months, we have really behaved like newlyweds (in my mind...she assures me it isn't the same in hers). There are no fights, we hang out all the time, co-parent, ML a lot, laugh, go to events, etc etc. It's been everything I would want in a M, except the fact that she is still intent on getting D, and still is in contact with OM.
In the last two weeks I've pulled back. I'm not being a d!ck...a lot of it is still the same as it was. There's just a distance now. We are still functioning really well as parents, sharing chores, picking up kids, etc. She's still sharing stories and we're laughing...it's just less.
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
Okay so you asked #1 - how does that affect your actions moving forward?
It really doesn't...I didn't care how much potential income was tied to OM. It was a big deal for her though, and for her to admit there's really no business reason to talk to OM is new.
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
And why is #2 weird? Seems like typical WAS spew to me.
Yeah, probably nothing more than that. I guess with D on the horizon, I'm surprised she's still thinking "let's do stuff."
Yeah, these are pretty much the same as I wrote in November. The only change is that I removed "people don't change." She actually changed her tune on that one.
Oh right, I remember that now.
Quote:
I was kinda hoping your sitch would have gone better after retrouv since there are a lot of similarities...bums me out.
Yeah, I really had high hopes right after, but I shouldn't have let expectations get the best of me! I sent W an email about a few tasks earlier today and also told her we should talk about "us" soon because I don't want to go on forever in this limbo and she agreed that we need to talk, so that may happen this weekend. Perhaps not the smartest DB strategy, but I'm honestly to the point of accepting the outcome no matter which way it goes but I'm not willing to accept an eternity of limbo.
- A lot of resentment for first 10 years of M and resistant to forgive - Afraid of being disappointed again, so resistant to becoming vunerable - Believes once she makes a decision she has to stick with it
Wow, it sounds like your W and mine have the same "Big Book Of Reasons For Divorce". That's practically word for word what my W has told me as well. She repeated that last line often in MC, it was something of a mantra for her. That and "I don't want to try".
Mine too. It is like she is waiting for me to do or say something from the old me (and inevitably I will) and then says, see you haven't changed and I can't trust you!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Mine too. It is like she is waiting for me to do or say something from the old me (and inevitably I will) and then says, see you haven't changed and I can't trust you!
It's actually worse than that. You don't have to do something from the old you, you just have to do something that reminds them of the old you.
It's actually worse than that. You don't have to do something from the old you, you just have to do something that reminds them of the old you.
Then stop doing them.....Bonehead...
JP, they are gonna find buttons to push whenever they feel close again.
The trick is, is to learn from your mistakes, and know what those buttons are beforehand, so that you can remove all of the wiring that feeds the button....
It's actually worse than that. You don't have to do something from the old you, you just have to do something that reminds them of the old you.
Yes! That is what I should have wrote! That is true
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Then stop doing them.....Bonehead...
JP, they are gonna find buttons to push whenever they feel close again.
The trick is, is to learn from your mistakes, and know what those buttons are beforehand, so that you can remove all of the wiring that feeds the button....
Very true! Might need to scrap current version and rebuild from ground up!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Woke up early this morning and managed to finish "Love Must Be Tough." It was a little one dimensional (focuses a lot on affairs), but definitely tied into my current mindset.
I found the discussion about mutual respect enlightening. It seems like common sense but I don't know that I ever looked at it quite that way before. For those who haven't read it, the basic idea is that if your spouse is disrespecting you (i.e. having an EA/PA), and you allow it, their respect for you continues to erode and therefore, so does their attraction to you.
My basic advice to Regret in her sitch was to "grow a backbone" and now I can see why I felt that way...definitely goes to respect. When my W did it, I actually became more attracted to her. I had more respect for her than I ever had, and therefore wanted it to work more than ever.
I've been in limbo for a long time now and I can see now that the reason why is that I wasn't ready to let go. I think you really do have to be ok with the M ending (i.e. opening the cage as Dobson called it). You really do have to love and respect yourself, and convey that to your partner.
