I hope therapy gave you some relief. I sometimes start to cry as soon as I see the open door to come in to my IC's office. It just has to come out. Trying not to feel the painful emotions you feel makes it both more painful and longer-lasting.
Sometimes even the idea that you should try to appreciate something in your life seems like piling on. Asking you to do even more, or like you have to be positive even when you're handling all you can possibly handle and maybe a little bit more than you can handle.
I've just been noticing lately that the idea of waiting for things to be better in order for me to feel better is NOT OK. I've been feeling really stressed and driven for a couple of months, like I have more on my plate than I can handle, and that if I just get to point x or point y that I can name, THEN I'll recharge. THEN I'll be better. It isn't working.
Then I read in the paper about a guy who's fighting to save the life of his son's murderer. I hear on NPR about a guy who found out at age 40 that his adoptive father actually stole him while his unit was murdering the boy's entire village. It doesn't even have to be that extreme. There are people going hungry in my county. There's a family in my neighborhood battling cancer in their 16 year old daughter. Life is happy and sad and ugly and beautiful and crazy and overwhelming and sometimes peaceful. Are you OK with only experiencing peace and joy during the good parts? When the other stuff is entirely outside your control?
I don't have the answers to these questions, I just keep finding myself asking myself, what are you waiting for?
When I feel down and things are piling on, and I want to just crawl under a rock, nothing external really seems to ever align itself to make me feel better. I just seem to somehow shift my focus and my perspective, find a way to take better care of myself, and get back to enjoying the fact that I'm alive in this world. What else is there to do?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thank you Tallula your support and compassion mean a lot to me, really really really. I told 3 more friends in the last 3 days and it helps. One friend almost vomited and couldn't sleep all night. She is praying constantly for me and for all of us. Another friend thought I was dying and was relieved when I told her I was fine but my marriage wasn't. Then outraged and in tears. She sent me home with homemade chicken soup (she had made it for me before she knew about my situation). Another said her son had told her (my son told him) but when she heard some of the details she told me, Tig, you are loved by many people and I am one of them. I want to help you, and I mean it. Drop the boys off, anything you want, any time. It really helps. Tonight I decided that I would go out for cocktails with a group of girlfriends. It will only be for a few hours and the babysitter will be a bit beyond our budget but my mental health depends on it. I deserve it. A teeny tiny vacation from my life. The boys will play wii and stay up late, and love it.
Tallula what does it mean when you say
Frankly, I can't D him until I can this baby anyway.
I think some of your sentence is missing. I found being a mother to a baby overwhelming. I loved it of course, but it was so time-consuming and I breastfed for a long long time--so there was a loss of freedom--I am not complaining since I loved it--but it was an adjustment. I am not sure how you manage this without help. That is really amazing and what you are going through shows how strong you are. I am sorry it is hard on you. I hope you come to a decision that fills you with peace soon. Or else I hope your husband comes to realize what he is throwing away and does an about face. If I had a magic wand I'd be using it on both of us.
thanks for your thoughts, you can't know how much I appreciate your wise and thought-provoking posts. Therapy was helpful. It helped me realize that I am still trying to run the show in our coparenting relationship, and that I have to stop doing that. It helped me realize that OW is using H as a pawn in her game to feel fulfilled, to replace the loss she has in her life. She will attempt to use my boys too if she has the chance. I hate sounding overly dramatic, but this is very very serious stuff. OW is dangerous. I am really anxious about that. The situation is very sad at the same time. Believe it or not I have compassion for them.
Your words resonate with me. I am grateful and lucky and appreciative of all I have every day. Friends and family that want to help, that love me. I feel pity for H who doesn't have anythign or anyone but OW. I can make it with my friends. I take time to watch decadent junk tv, go visit with friends, take the boys on adventures, chase them around the house, tell them dumb jokes, and believe me, it means a lot when I asked my S8 if he was worried about me being sad--and he said--Mommy, I don't want you to be sad, but this is a sad time, and you're mostly very bright and happy. It cheers me up. I am not at any time curled up in fetal position. I am busy and trying to at least stay in the same place and not go backwards. I have a warm lovely home, two healthy boys, love in my life, and a clear mind and optimism. Next week I begin my training for the 5K. I am moving forward. But realistic. There is more junk to come. More threats, more legal junk, more snide comments and somehow I will repeast my detach mantra...again and again. H's actions are making this easier for me. I am also going to begin slowly and methodically packing and labelling his things. It will make it easier for me when he has to spend less time here packing when he eventually moves on. And therapeutic for me.
Every time I am half a straw away from the camel's back breaking, someone takes a handful of straw from me and my burden is less. It keeps piling on, but God is good and he makes sure that I can handle what I have, and sends his angels to relieve me just a little when I am at the breaking point. Hard but not impossible. Hard. But....Not Impossible.
You too, Tig. And you should record what S8 said; I couldn't imagine a better possible way to be seen by my kid.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I legally can't D my H in our state until I phyically have this baby. Which, after tonight...I really want to D his butt.
You last post made me cry. Well, cry harder than I already am. Your S was so sweet!! I'm am so grateful that my kids are too young to understand what is going on at all. But somethimes it's so hard when I do get sad and they just don't get it. They hug me. Ok, I can't type that right now since they are gone and I'm super upset.
Just know that your strength is giving me strength!!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Thank you both for your kind words. Maybe it doesn't seem like a lot, but never underestimate the power of a little kindness...it gives me strength.
Tonight was fun. I had a few drinks with 3 friends and 2 other ladies I just met tonight. we all have 2nd graders, and had lots to talk about, it was nice, and definitely the escape I needed.
My S8 is amaaaazing. He really is. He had a tough week, but I am so proud of him. A gorgeous beautiful soul. Smart as a whip. Wise beyond his years and breathtaking to look at. Seriously his face, his gigantic eyes would take your breath away. Girls already swoon. Can't believe how lucky I am. S5 is also remarkable. Emotionally intelligent, he too is struggling a great deal, yet comforts me with his words--I only feel safe with you mommy, your hugs make me happy. Do you love me S5? Always, Mommy, always... A little love, he promises he will be my baby even when he's an old man. Fun, funny, serious, with a head full of ringlets and again, the most captivating eyes. I seriously must have been born under a lucky star to have been blessed with these two. How on earth H doesn't see this is so foreign to me....
Ahhh back to reality. I have to admit that H is trying by taking me up on my offer to see the boys every single day. I seriously need a break from it. But as it benefits the boys, I endure...
Tallula maybe the baby coming will bring you all together again. Babies are so magical. One can hope.
Another looong weekend over. What a relief. The week at least has some type of rhythm and pattern to it. It was nice to be invited to a friend's house for dinner tonight. Seeing her H interact with my boys made me realize how little H and the boys actually connect. Very sad.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Tallula--I just finished reading your whole thread. Good grief, what a story. I am a step ahead of you, already in the divorce laywer stage...it isn't going to be pretty either. Found out that H went to meet the EA lady halfway across the country. Not sure what happened there. Not sure the PA lady knows or not. What a mess. Two women. He is trying to get the kids for a lot of physical custody,,,most likely to avoid paying child support acc. to the lawyer. Get a VERY good lawyer. They told me 2 months ago that the H always say they are going to be generous and fair and put the kids first in the beginning, but then they change. They were so right. Also PLEASE keep telling people. It is so important to have the support of many. It has been the best thing I have done, tell my friends and family. People love to be helpful, people want to supportive. It will make you stronger...because when your life seems to be feeling "normal" their anger and dismay at your situation will keep you MAD. and that is a source of strength. I swing between feeling pity for him, for feeling sorry for him and kind. It's NOT GOOD for me or my kids, once you get to this point, where there is no hope for the marriage, you are no longer "friends". Divorce is a business transaction, keep it that way and keep your emotions out of it.
Thanks for checking in. I am good. Less shocked, more stable, and strong, resilient. Not crying, not curled up in fetal position, not slashing anyone's tires. Just living my life and looking forward towards a bright future. beginning to see already that H has done me a HUGE FAVOR by leaving. He was holding me back from the good stuff in life. It still [censored] here and will get worse before it gets better...but the future is going to be great. The waves may be knocking me down right now but the tide will go out and I will still be standing tall. He will still be being tossed around by the waves of dysfunction, lies, and lack of integrity in his life...while my boys and I are building sandcastles on the shore. Better be careful or else I will begin to feel sorry for him again...not a good place to be for me! Detached anger is much much better.
THANK YOU for checking in. You are an inspiration. If you lived here we'd be going for coffee right now. For sure.
