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Hi Terri, there are plenty of WAS success stories. Even MLC success stories. And yes, I'm talking specifically about reconciliation, although many of us take on the meaning of success as simply rebuilding our lives without our spouses, learning to become even better versions of ourselves, and moving on with our lives, independent of our spouses, whether that is perpetual separation or D.

As I notice you've registered back in May of this year, I suspect you've been reading the boards silently, looking for advice and help in other sitches.

I would recommend and encourage you to start your own thread so that we can help support you even better, in your specific sitch and circumstances. While the work is the same, DB can and should be modified specifically for our sitches which might mean that what works for one may not work for another and third party feedback can sometimes help us understand where we are stuck and help us get our breakthrough.

So to answer your question above, you can not "get him" to work on things... sort of...

What you MIGHT be able to do is... encourage good behaviour from him... which really is... a way to encourage him to work on things...

Make sense?

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Kaffe Diem,

Thank you for your response and advice. You are right by suggesting complementing "good behavior" . I have been working on GAL because if he decides to stay or go, I want to be the best me I can be! i am taking all of this as a wake up call for me to learn things and maybe he will come along for the ride!!
Terri

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I was trapped, and walked. More than once. Now piecing.
Not sure if we are a success story, but I will say our communication is more authentic now that I feel more free to speak my mind.
Peace,
Goldeylox


Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse
S:22, S:19, D:16
Filed Oct 08, dismissed
Filed again Jan 10, dismissed
Now Piecing
alter persona: SuperBoots
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Hang in there. I am in the middle of a WAW success story - and I've even done some of the stupid things. I am lucky in that we have always had a GREAT relationship and had been able to talk.

The best advice I can give is to NOT smother or pressure them and to push GENTLY for some type of counseling. We're not out of the woods yet, but we are on the road to recovery.

Both of us got so busy with life, careers and kids - that we forgot to work on us. There were things that both of us did that frustrated the other person, and she chose to obsess over her issues with me and I chose to ignore my issues with her. What happens is that she sits around thinking she is near perfect - because I am ALWAYS happy and ALWAYS there for her, with NO complaints or problems....while she is no longer discussing her issues with me (since I don't handle that too well, at times), but rather, letting them erode our marriage.

One thing I tell her and have always told her is "same team." We HAVE to be on the same team. If not, we're done before we begin.

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Crazyville, perhaps we can help each other. I have posted but my posts have yet to be approved, I guess. I don't know your story other than what I am replying to and it sounds like you are thinking of separating but just don't want to work on the marriage. I can't say that my story is a success but I think we are making some positive moves toward reconciliation. My wife left me in October 2012 after 21 years of marriage. I drank and stayed out late 2 to 3 times a week for various reasons but I think mostly I never healed from my wifes infidelity in the first year of marriage. I hurt her by holding back over the years. The intimacy in the relationship wasn't there. I essentially hurt myself by never forgiving my wife. We love each other, no doubt there. I never fully realized her pain until after she left. I pursued her for three months and now I have stopped once she said she wanted a D. That was one month ago. She now has shown some interest and told me last night that she wasn't sure that she wants the M to be over and asked if we could meet periodically. I said yes, of course and told her that we hurt each other and that the intimacy in the relationship was affected but that as ambigious as the R is that I was here and want to be a source of security for her. She says she is depressed and confused by her feelings and that she wasnt sure if it was fair of her to not let me go if she was't sure what she wanted for the future. I guess my story might be success in the sence that I have changed. I stopped drinking for the most part, lost 23 pounds, am selling the house and dealing with the renovations as my wife signed a one year lease down the street. I have emersed myself in my work and my two children who are both in college. My wife and I have been together since we were 17. We are 43 today. If you have separated or are thinking about it I can tell you that it will have an affect. My wife didn't want to work on the marriage either and proly still doesn't but said last night that she plan to get some counseling. Can you tell me little about your situation? Maybe help me understand the WAS syndrome? any advice? I love my wife and want to see my marriuage and our family stay together.

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Dear 12C,

a small "technical note" if I might...could you write in smaller chunks or smaller paragraphs? IT's way easier to read and follow along...thanks!


Originally Posted By: 12CDN34
Crazyville, perhaps we can help each other. I have posted but my posts have yet to be approved, I guess. I don't know your story other than what I am replying to and it sounds like you are thinking of separating but just don't want to work on the marriage.

I can't say that my story is a success but I think we are making some positive moves toward reconciliation. My wife left me in October 2012 after 21 years of marriage. I drank and stayed out late 2 to 3 times a week for various reasons but I think mostly I never healed from my wifes infidelity in the first year of marriage. I hurt her by holding back over the years.

I have a tough question to ask you, 12CD. And I mean no offense by it. But we are here to help people help themselves...

So are you saying you believe the (SOLE?) reason for you drinking so much, so often, and leaving the home so many nights all these years, is all Because of something she did decades ago?

And if so, What do you think YOU Can do, to heal from it?

What can You do to move forward in your life without pain from that time?

Can you see why this might be a task for you on your own, as opposed to a recently discovered affair of recent occurence (in which case your W would have to Join with you to reassure you, to be transparent w/her dealings w/any OMs, etc. It'd be mutual work, done as a team, etc)

...but after all this time, can you see why your w might be tired of having this over her head?

Do YOU THINK SHE THINKS that you Used it as an excuse for whatever you did?

Any truth to that? BTW, WHEN it happened, what did you two do about it?


Also, I see that your kids are now of college age. So, where are they in all this? What have they witnessed? & Finally,

What does "I stopped drinking...for the most part" truly mean?

[/b]

Have you tried AA? Before you tune me out, please hear me out.


Even if you don't believe you are an alcoholic,

their 12 step programs help people IDENTIFY a lot of their own unhealthy behaviors AND helps you to change them...

and it's free, and it's anonymous. When you fully take in their approach, you'll find it can be profoundly deep.

If at some point you want to face some issues or damage you have to "own up to", please realize, AA is a super supportive place made FOR THAT!

12CD, You don't have to fight this alone.


The intimacy in the relationship wasn't there. I essentially hurt myself by never forgiving my wife.



THIS^^^ Is a very valuable insight on your part
. Don't forget that hard earned lesson. (You did well w/that insight!)

12CD, Check out what I have written in my signature block..."forgiveness is our way out of hell." And it is.

I never saw forgiveness growing up. (How was it modelled in Your upbringing?)

Forgiveness is a learned skill and a PROCESS, which takes steps, and choices, and TIME.

Forgiveness is first and most, a gift you give to YOURSELF.

In theory, your spouse does not even need to know you've forgiven them. (This is especially important to people who confuse forgiveness with condonation, which it's not).

It simply means you (& others) are not victimized by your pain any longer. You are not a prisoner of it, so your choices made TODAY, are not affected by or held hostage to, an old wound, b/c you have finally allowed the wound to heal.


We love each other, no doubt there. I never fully realized her pain until after she left.


That is Not rare to see around here, but dang it's still so tragic.
SO---

What would you DO differently, "From this day forward", if you were given another chance?

After all,

she won't return to the marriage

UNLESS she believes it can be better/different than before.

So, what are you DOING to SHOW her that it can be better/different?


It's awfully easy to say "I stopped pursuing & I withdrew b/c it says not to pursue" or b/c she SAID she wanted a divorce (remember that you should "believe nothing they say and only half of what they do, b/c WASs are confused and in pain).

But "non pursuit" is simply ONE strategy in this situation. And it's got to be replaced by another strategy of some kind if you drop the pursuit one. Even just an internal action strategy, = you changing something in you that needs work -

To Become a man only a fool would leave.


SO Be more involved with your kids b/c 1) it's the right thing to do, and

2) no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children, with the man in HER life...be that man.

3) Despite their ages, your kids need you more now, than ever.

HERE IS AN OPTION FOR YOU...CHOOSE ONE OF THE FOLLOWING TWO LEGACIES..."For the children".

Option A--
Imagine leaving a legacy of a 21 year long, mediocre to lousy marriage that probably had love in it but the kids rarely saw it b/c it was so buried under resentments and pain and fears and anger and neglect... that it wa hard to tell IF there was love, but you THOUGHT so...which is tragic.

VERSUS


Option B-- a legacy of loving commitment, renewal, forgiveness and redemption...

Imagine giving THAT gift to your children...

DB 101, do what works, monitor for results, re-assess strategies if the first one does not work, etc. (& Do NOT do more of the same if that is what got you here.)

If your problem was one of neglect, for instance, then isn't withdrawal just more of the same?


We know of the people who are LBSers who plead/implore and beg and then get super angry at their WAS when the bomb drops. Been there, done that. We all know that does not work.

But Lately I've wondered about the number of more neglectful LBS spouses, the ones who know their WAS felt neglected, ignored or devalued/belittled, or worse,

& many of those LBSers seem all too quick to say "since I'm not supposed to pursue, I'll just withdraw from WAS, but I'll call it "Divorce Busting".

But really, they are effectively, DOING - NOTHING to change the dynamic in their marriage.

They are NOT looking within, which is where the real journey is.
They need to make major changes in their behavior or themselves at a core level.

(OMG

I just realized I'm hijacking crazyville's thread. Crazyville, I'm so SORRY!


12CD, I'll try to find your thread again. Geez, I thought it was here. APOLOGIES Crazy.


I pursued her for three months and now I have stopped once she said she wanted a D. That was one month ago. She now has shown some interest and told me last night that she wasn't sure that she wants the M to be over and asked if we could meet periodically.

I said yes, of course and told her that we hurt each other and that the intimacy in the relationship was affected but that as ambigious as the R is that I was here and want to be a source of security for her. She says she is depressed and confused by her feelings and that she wasnt sure if it was fair of her to not let me go if she was't sure what she wanted for the future. I guess my story might be success in the sence that I have changed. I stopped drinking for the most part, lost 23 pounds, am selling the house and dealing with the renovations as my wife signed a one year lease down the street. I have emersed myself in my work and my two children who are both in college. My wife and I have been together since we were 17. We are 43 today. If you have separated or are thinking about it I can tell you that it will have an affect. My wife didn't want to work on the marriage either and proly still doesn't but said last night that she plan to get some counseling. Can you tell me little about your situation? Maybe help me understand the WAS syndrome? any advice? I love my wife and want to see my marriuage and our family stay together.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: peringo
Hey cville, any secret methods to get the WAW, to notice that I'm not the man her peers and mind have made me out to be?


No secrets...which I guess is the secret.

But if her PEERS and SHE think something negative about you then the only thing you can do is: Figure out whether it matters.

IF many people believe it...you have to at least

Analyze it for real, by digging deep and figure out if there is even a THREAD of truth or validity to it.


Even if it's only true in her eyes, it has a thread there...(like an honest miscontrual of an event. It happens. We tend to do a lot of mind reading til we sometimes believe what we "read into," as being a fact.)

If there is a thread of truth to it, or more, we work on that.

We assess if it's a trait we don't want to have, like gossiping or negatively spinning things around us, and being a downer to be around, etc.

OR a worst trait, putting her down, making snarky remarks often, neglecting her in public, "forgetting" her needs as a habit, etc....THOSE traits...

Gotta own them AND CHANGE THEM before you can change anyone's minds.


OTHERWISE, if you truly have looked within, and the ONLY reason those peers believe bad things about you is b/c of what SHE SAYS and the only reason she says those things is...to punish you in some way,

then all you can do is 180s when you have the chance to. Make them a habit so when the time comes, your new normal behavior will show thru.

If you're countering those negatives with new positives (or the positives you always were doing but they did not see)

then you can be sure SOMEDAY one of them will see the behavior does not match her description. They'll catch on.

Finally, if you don't get the chance to change the minds of those peers b/c they are more or less strangers to you,

b/c you don't see them and

they are not part of your social or professional or family life,

then LET IT GO! Who cares what they think?


You may as well worry about that homeless guy who lives on the heating grill downtown, and him what HE thinks of you....and life on Mars.

Last but not least, when people in your life who do know you, insult you or criticize you...

YOU COULD take it as "feedback" from the universe, about something to change, instead of reacting in anger.

To detach from someone who knows and dislikes you (after our son was born, my MIL changed her feelings towards me when I refused to have our son baptized in HER church, but in mine, which my h had agreed to. LONG STORY but the sum of it is, she was anti-Catholic. Didn't matter til kids came around.

I truly honestly stopped caring about her opinion of me when I realized it was more about HER bigotry than anything I'd ever done. So you can put those types of peoplein the homeless guy category, and don't waste an ounce of your energy on them...or it.

Go your way. Be the best man YOU can be, and when you KNOW you have done that, then leave the results up to God.

And hold your head high...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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Originally Posted By: peringo
Thanks, I have 3 difficult battles... 1) overcoming my wifes peers viewpoints on marriage.
2) getting my wife to remember the person she was that led to our marriage.
3) fighting like hell for primary custody of my son.

I really wish I had the gift of time....


What about the battle within? The changes you wanted to make IN YOU? The 180s?

All your above goals are about people you have NO control over, except as it relates to #3.

Since you have nothing to do with her friends' views on marriage, don't even go there. Useless, counter productive. Harms more than helps.



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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25year,

Thanks for the response. You have given me inspiring advice!

No, I don't believe the infidelity was the sole cause of my drinking and I have acknowledged that to my W. "For the most part" meaning when I drink today it is moderate drinknig as the late nights are no more. I chose to drink and I can choose not to drink as life is much better without it.

As for the infidelity, we did very little about it. It was buried and I was left to my own devices in dealing with it over the years.

I have actually been spending alot of time with my children. I went for four visits last semester after W left (2 hour drive).

Forgiveness was not modeled well in my childhood at all. That is why these last four months have been instrumental in my personal growth as it never really clicked in me that forgiving my W was nothing more or less than a CHOICE and had very little to do with a FEELING. The realization that I have been focusing on my self all these years and dweling on my pain has been a powerful change for me.

Thank you for nudging me off of the LRT as I have been thinking the very same thing; that is, whether it was time for me to start showing some interest in my W. I have the same concerns that you write about. We have had some communication since dinner last Saturday and I am considering just asking her if we can start dating. She stated last week that she would like to meet for dinner periodically and hoped I would be amenable to that and I said I am.

For Valentine's Day I did send an Ecard with the message that a gift card was waiting for her behind the bar at the wine bar she patrons with the girls from work. She loved it and sent a return Ecard.

I am just not sure what to do from here? I don't have a coaching session for another 10 days so you guys will have to be my coach for now. Any suggestions? Should I risk asking my W to date or should I just do it by asking her out for dinner? Or should I wait for her to ask me out for dinner?

After my W announced she wanted a D and I begand DB these were my GOALS:

(1) For her to call me and we just talk (this happened after about 2 or 3 weeks of LRT; we talked for 1:23);

(2) For her to invite me out for a date (this happened last Saturday and she said she would like to meet like that periodically)

There is also a part of me that says I should just continue working on myself. I just don't know how I am supposed to measure when its time to reach out to the WAS????

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While I was typing the post directly above my W called. We spoke for about 30 minutes and it was good. We later exchanged texts regarding my new web site and I asked her to look at for her advics, among other things.

I later was at the house packing things and my neighbor across the street offered to act as our agent and list the house for 1%. She is divorced with 3 children. I sent a text to my wife askiing what she thought and she said "yes" and "I think its always good to build relationships" and that she "thought the neighbor wanted to date me." I responded that I was not available and she replied "that doesn't mean she won't try." I then informed W that the neighbor didn't try and just saw our house as an opportunity to get her name out there. At that point, I decided to send a text to W asking if she wanted to go on a date with me and the rest is history and we have a date planned for this Friday.

Any thoughts on what is going on with my W?

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