Divorced-not done-But wondering ?

[JJAC2005]

The one thing that I am having such a hard time understanding is when you are already divorced and your ex has walked away, and is saying that she is all done with the relationship, that its over, and that you need to let go and move on, and she has no intentions of ever revisiting the relationship ever again. Your basically in a situation where there isn't anything that the 2 of you have that keeps even the slightest bit of interaction. example; we don't share any children, she refuses to let the children continue with any type of relationship that we shared over the past 7.5 years, everything has been divided up, there are no more things that have to be discussed on a personal or financial level.
There is just me, left loving someone who no longer wants anything to do with me....

All the DB'ing I've been doing and reading are fantastic tools to have and practice, but there really isn't any way to use them if the person they are intended for isn't around.

What type of advice would best serve this situation?

[needgrace]

hi JJ,

i am close to your sitch in that my D is almost done and there is little that ties me to W now. for me, i have been using my DB skills and other things i have gathered along the way to build a new life and to be ready for my next R. there were mistakes i made and i have hopefully learned from them and i have also learned that i need to make myself happy... not depend on my R for that. i think the biggest thing i have learned is to accept what is and to let go... so for now i am letting go, allowing myself to grieve but not allowing my grief to stop me from living.

as far as my W, though we have minimal contact... she knows the heart and soul of me from our M and if she gets past the anger and fear...she may remember that and miss it.. or she may not, she may have found the R of her dreams, and if so, while it hurts, i do want her to be happy..

in some ways, though i have lost my M, i feel as if i have saved myself. i don't think there is much else that could have given me so much growth..

not sure if that is what you are asking, JJ... but that is what works for me.

[4311]

You ask what type of advice would best serve this situation. I would suggest asking a different question: What type of advice would best serve YOU in this situation. Seemingly only slightly different but takes you down an entirely different road. I understand where you are and what you seek. We all do. But it is very early in the game and what you should be seeking to reclaim at this point is yourself rather than the relationship.

Like many people I would assume you somewhat lost yourself in the relationship, especially during the end going through the separation and divorce. I know you have a goal of where you want to go but do you really know where you are now? Many people learn a lot about themselves during a divorce. Many people fall "asleep" during a relationship. Other than getting back with your ex what else do you want? Is there anything else?

I know that it is very difficult to think of anything but getting back together. Does it happen, yes, it happens. Does it happen with the state you are in now, rarely. Look at it like this - reconciliations do happen but healthy ones usually happen when both people have disconnected from the unhealthy previous relationship, have grown, and have been disconnected enough to honestly feel how it is to be alone and without their former partner.

Lastly, for now, you note how the two of you have no reason to stay connected in anyway in your daily life and are concerned as to how to keep some type of connection to keep the potential of getting back together real. My ex and I originally had a whole country between us and we ended up marrying each other when we previously lived 1000's of miles apart. We also ended up getting divorced when lived inches apart. Time, distance, space, lack of contact - none of these things can keep two people apart if there is a connection.

I hit on a number of points here - try to think about them and see if anything resonates with you.

[JJAC2005]

Even your struggles become a blessing…..keep one foot in front of the other!


Well to be honest, I’ve been thinking about this post now for several days….I’m not sure just exactly how to say this, but my question seems to have missed its mark. I see that it was not quite the right context, to elicit the types of reply/response I was hoping for.
To answer the first comment, and thank you N.G…[as far as my W, though we have minimal contact... she knows the heart and soul of me from our M and if she gets past the anger and fear...she may remember that and miss it.. or she may not, she may have found the R of her dreams, and if so, while it hurts, i do want her to be happy.] I’m not at all worried that my “ex” will never look back on any of our times together without a smile, or a laugh or a warm thought. Quite the opposite, I know she will, and she probably has already, but she is using her anger to get her to where she thinks she needs to be. Be that what it may, (just as you mentioned above) she also knows my heart, and my head, and in many ways, all of my hopes and dreams. But I know that her main focus is and has been on the failures shortcomings, wrongs, and all of my “collective” mistakes that have caused her so much pain and doubt. Which is why she (IMO) she is trying so hard to get over me and strive for a new and fresh direction. And just as you, I will second that I want her to be happy, healthy and wish only the best for her and the kids, even if that choice isn’t me.
To follow on the 2nd comment, and thank you 4311, [Like many people I would assume you somewhat lost yourself in the relationship, especially during the end going through the separation and divorce. I know you have a goal of where you want to go but do you really know where you are now? Many people learn a lot about themselves during a divorce. Many people fall "asleep" during a relationship. Other than getting back with your ex what else do you want? Is there anything else?] Lost, OMG was I lost! I have to admit I slipped, fell, and struggled to get back, up, slipped and fell again repetedly since the get go. I allowed things, all sorts of things, to change my direction, my goals, my outlooks, and as soon as I started to fight for me (mostly in the wrong ways), I found a solid wall of discourse in my partner. Her fears of me and my independence, brought up fears of abandonment in her mind, and of course, the more I sought to find answers (in all of my unusual ways) in how to regain my life, how to be better for my wife, my kids, and my marriage, the more I sent messages to my wife that I wasn’t in to her and our marriage. On the flip side of that slide, and struggle to find a better balance with me again, I found a love that I can never replace, never duplicate, and a richness of a family that grew with every passing year. Something so unexplainably amazing, that I wanted to watch grow in the ears to come, it was something that I never wanted to end.
[I know that it is very difficult to think of anything but getting back together. Does it happen, yes, it happens. Does it happen with the state you are in now, rarely. Look at it like this - reconciliation’s do happen but healthy ones usually happen when both people have disconnected from the unhealthy previous relationship, have grown, and have been disconnected enough to honestly feel how it is to be alone and without their former partner.] I couldn’t agree more with this point about being a healthy me for any possibilities of a chance to get that second chance. And I’m happy to say, I’m well on my way! I have so many things going well in my life currently. My GAL plan is unfolding in so many positive ways that I am amazed at how great things are going. But it doesn’t change the fact that I miss my wife and family each and every day.
That being said…..it sort of brings me back to the beginning of my quest….with all her anger and pain in or with our past relationship….with her disconnecting as she has and dissolving any and all contact with her and the children….there really isn’t anything left for me to do, but continuing to work on me, my life, and furthering the enrichment of my soul and relationship skills.
I hear it all the time, and see it here off and on, as long as you have hope you always have a chance….but its hard to form a plan without a sign from the intended that something is either working or it isn’t.
I am learning and practicing patience….I am learning and practicing so many new skills…..I am learning to be more introspection, living a authentic life, and really can say I have learned from all of the mistakes I have made…..I am becoming the man I wanted to be from the very beginning, and I can only hope that someday she turns around to take notice and gives me that one chance to start to show her how much I have changed and all that I have learned.
I wanted to know from others what their ideas were/are on a situation such as mine, and how to proceed with positive results.?

[Pmac21]

JJ, I really love your thread! Like you, I had a WAW and like you, I want her back with all my heart. Unfortunately I did everything wrong once I found out about her affair & MLC. I begged for her, displayed all the wrong needy traits, etc. We were married 13 years and I truly did not see it coming. Our M was not perfect, but whose is, right? What I didn't realize until it was too late was the gripes she had about the marriage were really big deals to her.

The classic WAW is someone who appears to just leave without much warning (or have an affair, then leave). Our sitches are a little different because mine had an affair and it doesn't look like yours did (but do you really know for sure).

The point is that there was enough bothering our exes that they felt leaving the marriage was better than trying to repair it. I'm like you, I was in it until death do us part. And, I would have done anything to fix it.

I agree that it blows when we still want to reconcile but our exes have moved on. Look, I have read way too many stories on this site and others about being patient, praying, getting our lives back on track, and reconciliations still happen months of years after the D is final. I am going to keep praying for divine intervention, but I'm going to live the life that God would want me to live until it occurs.

I'm struggling with detachment at the moment but I am as hopeful as ever that real progress is right around the corner for me. I am so inspired by how you are doing. I hope to get there soon. One of the biggest issues for me was that a couple of weeks before I found out about her affair, I took a one year severance package from my high paying job. Unbelievably, I haven't found work over a year later in this economy.

Part of me thinks that she no longer sees me as the wealthy, confident man I always was. Getting my career back on track is a top priority and will need a little luck & help from God.

I look forward to encouraging you as you attempt to reconcile with your ex. Bert if luck.

[Pmac21]

JJ, in all that, I forgot to give you my advice. I would stay the course you are on. What is the current contact w/ your ex? I realize that you have to be very careful as to not come across as pursuing, but I would think that there would need to be some mild contact so she can notice all your new changes.

Do you have a plan at this point? And have you read through the MLC boards here? I wonder if your ex was going through something. Hormones can go bonkers around 40 as well.

[JJAC2005]

Thanks for the time to share a word...
I think the key underlying themes I am learning are patience patience and more patience, with a whole lot of 180's, But the best lesson is that by GAL is you not only feel better overall, you look better overall and whether the ex notices enough down the road, only time will tell.
I am a little discouraged at the fact that there isn't any contact, or reason to be contact from her perspectives ....and I did just find out that she does in fact have a new B.F.
That being said, staying the course is seeming a little less likely to produce a new star at any new beginnings.
I do know that she still has a lot to work though...as do I
Im just not at all interested in seeing anyone because I still am in love with my ex.
I would welcome any more feedback on plans to a successful reunion

[Pmac21]

JJ, btw, I'm right with you on not wanting a new relationship. Although my ex played the field quite a bit before settling in w/ her current BF, I'm just different, I guess. Even though the chances if any reconciliation appear to be remote at best, taking my time feels right to me too. Keep us posted.

[JJAC2005]

I wanted to see/know if you had any statistics on remarrying your ex spouse?
I read somewhere that the statistics for divorce are (approx.) 52% for the 1st, 64%for the 2nd, and 73% for 3rd marriages….but the odds for a successful reunification with your former spouse shot up to a 74% chance of success, based on both partners doing their own work, changes and healing prospectively, as well as having a strong love bond to reconnect with.
Do you have any ideas, thoughts and or resources for this type of reconciliation?

Well, this weekend was filled with all sorts of interesting coincidences…
I had a faith filled weekend retreat….scheduled as a “Christ Renews” weekend, which was overflowing with personal testimony on how God and faith brought people thru various difficulties.
I have been exploring joining the Catholic Church since early January, and during this lent season it has been a particularly meaningful event for me.
There is a lot of correlation between the reconciliation with God, and within our relationships…. particularly my past marriage.
I see the need for forgiveness to be extended, asked for, internalized and utilized in every aspect of my ex’s actions over the past several months with any of my genuine efforts to maintain any sort of civility between us, and my efforts to maintain a relationship with my step-children.
It is almost as if God is playing a hand in any of my reconnecting efforts currently…he is either letting me know that…(1) I’m not in a place solid enough for reconnecting with my ex yet….(2) My ex is not in a place that she needs to be to reconnect with yet….or… (3) The entire reunion isn’t meant to be?
We all search for the answer…we all long to hear what we want to hear…and when it come to the unknown factors that be, we baulk at giving up control……and for any of you that are in a similar boat as I am….I have one little piece if advice for you in the form of a prayer.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Sometimes word really hit the mark!
Amen.

[JJAC2005]

OK fellow DB's
Admittedly, the situation I am in has its own unique set of problems and solutions....but I would enjoy actually reading some more success stories from those that came to DB site and were already divorced, and managed to piece things back together.
From what I gather, I am in a statistically small group....
Perhaps this is due to the fact that it hasn't had a lot of research done on it or that it really hasn't had much attention as a desired topic of discussion. I find that there are way more people out there that are of the mind set, that if it didn't work the first time let it go, and move on from it....why take the chance of getting burned by the same person again?
Anyway, my mindset is one of hope....hope that the love that once knew will someday rise again and deliver an amazingly richer life for both my wife and I.
I realize "hope" is all I really have at this point, which is one of the reasons I am looking for more stories and research on this topic. So, if anyone can drop me a few threads, or directions, or even if you want to comment with some advice or encouragement. I welcome it...and thank you for it!