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#2325564 02/26/13 07:56 PM
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I just posted the following after an update on my Piecing thread. I want to share it here on Newcomers though because it may help. When we first come here, we generally focus on how bad we were during our M, and how perfect our S is. Obviously no one is perfect, and no one is completely bad. Problems in a M occur as a result of the actions of TWO people. Never just one.

I don't want anyone here to take this as me saying that I regret DBing. I do NOT. I don't regret it at all. It is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I just have had a chance to look back, in hindsight, and see the forest from the trees, so to speak.

From my piecing thread...

...I have been doing a lot of thinking about the past couple of years. Things look much different in hindsight than they do when you are in the mist of them. I have many thoughts that I want to share with everyone here. Especially those that are just beginning this process.

I hope to come back and expand on this more, but the bottom line is that what I went through during my S is a once in a lifetime deal for me. While I am happier than I can put into words that I have a second chance to make my M work, I don't believe that I would go through what I did again. I see now that I was not the sole cause of the breakdown in our M. I put W on a pedestal during my sitch, and I think that I really minimized her flaws. I love her to death, but she is not perfect and she is difficult to get along with at times. I TOTALLY put those things out of my mind during my S.

I'm NOT recanting anything that I came to acknowledge about myself, nor the problems taht I caused. I'm just saying that I see how things came to be the way that they were. There is no question that W and I would slip back into that misery if both of us were not committed to NOT having that happen. And it is WORK. It really, really is. No matter how much change you make, no matter how much self discovery you do, it is work. I'm glad that I went through it, I'm glad that I made that choice, and I'm happy that I have that second chance. But I wouldn't do it again. It was too hard and too painful. And I was too hard on myself.

Just some thoughts that I have looking back.

Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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Wow thanks for sharing this and congratulations.

I only hope one day I get another opportunity with my W - it just doesn't even seem possible or likely at the moment though.


W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs
8 year old Son
ILYBINILWY - Dec 12
W moved out - Jan 2013
OM - Jan 2013
I file for D - May 2013
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Thank you Denver for sharing that, it is helpful to hear your perspective now. I wish you much happiness. smile


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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Wow Denver, thanks for the drop in!

Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
I see now that I was not the sole cause of the breakdown in our M. I put W on a pedestal during my sitch, and I think that I really minimized her flaws. I love her to death, but she is not perfect and she is difficult to get along with at times. I TOTALLY put those things out of my mind during my S.


But don't we kinda have to do this if we want to save the M, since we are the only one working on it and our spouse is not interested AT ALL? (well, maybe not the pedestal so much, but definitely the putting their flaws out of our minds thing)

Do you see your marriage surviving if you DIDN'T do as you posted above?


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Still following your piecing threads but good to see you over here helping out. What you say is very important and something I get called out on daily.

Couple things that have been recently told to me.

You can only be responsible for 100% of 50% of the things wrong with your marriage.

Dealing with/going through the bad times, makes the good times even better


Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are

Turn your trials into your testimonies

Don't believe everything you think

Expectations are resentments waiting to happen
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Thanks for your insight!!!

This is actually sonething my councilor and I spoke about last night. While I take full responcibility for my actions, H has 50% in this too. I am changing the things within myself that I see as problems. Many match with his complaints, some things are simply not my responcibility. I will not take that on. I don't say this in an angry way, it's simply the truth. H is very angry. He blames me for his A one minute, himself the next.

I say this so that I hold my head high and set boundaries when my H is being hurtful. If I tried to take on all the blame, my guilt would allow me to accept the abuse with my tail between my legs. We are separated. It's a good thing. Space! The only way this M will work Is for the both of us to work hard. Bit i dont want my old M. I have no idea how long I'll stand, but I'm standing here now. I


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
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Denver, I've made similar comments in threads regarding my own sitch. It's interesting that while the WAS rewrites history to where they remember nothing but the bad in the M, the LBS does the opposite- we rewrite history to remember nothing but the good about the WAS. I've read many sitches in piecing where the WAS returns and suddenly the LBS has to struggle with things that they completely suppressed while trying to draw the WAS back- mainly the WAS's faults. Few marriages fall apart because one spouse did everything right while the other did everything wrong. Most fall apart because both spouses quit working on the R. DB'ing rightly focuses us on correcting what we were doing wrong in the M, but we have to set aside what our spouse did wrong and if reconciling happens then all those issues come bubbling back up again. In DB'ing we bring ourselves much closer to being a perfect spouse, but if the WAS comes back, guess what, they weren't DBing at all while they were gone, LOL!

Anyway, yours is great input from someone in piecing!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Great thread idea, Denver. I think one of the common mistakes that LBSs make is that they take on the ENTIRE BURDEN of trying to "fix" everything, and operate from a basic assumption that they MUST have been a horse-*$%t spouse for their spouse to do this to them.

While it's true that in probably 75-85% of the cases there were significant contributions on the part of the LBS which made conditions ripe for their spouse's affair, there are a good 15-25% of the time where it was really a GOOD marriage. So that's point #1.

Point #2 is I often see LBS (especially men, since we are naturally "fixers"!) scurry around and immediately try to address all of their wayward wives' complaints. The problem of this (and it's a big one) is that it's often a b.s. "list" that they're working on, as a spouse caught up in an affair will often (always?) "re-write marital history" to justify their current behavior. I don't agree with much of the MLC folks, but I do like their concept of "work on those items that 'sting'" -- those complaints that your spouse gives you that YOU know are legitimately things that you need to work on . . . things that pre-dated their affair (if there is infidelity involved in your sitch).

Something you and I both share is this realization that we put our wives on pedestals before -- the whole "princess" thing. It was actually my WIFE that told me that THIS WASN'T HEALTHY, and that I needed to see her for who she was, flaws and all!!!

Anyway, great thread.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Thank you for the insight, Denver.

I'm only 4 months into S, but I do see that most of the time with DB I feel like I need to overlook any of his flaws. I might come here to vent about them but would never say anything to him. But I have thought about if he comes back, would he make any changes? Or would I be back to complaining about priorities, etc?

Thanks for sharing

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Thanks for sharing Denver (and others). To me, it seems like a natural cycle. We try and try to get our S's back on board, we work on ourselves and tackle our demons, and eventually, we get to a point where we see our S and say "Hey, I still want this M to work...but you're going to have to make some changes too."

For me, I've known all along that W was going to have to severe communication with OM completely before I would be in it for the long haul, but I've been sitting around waiting for her to want to work on the M before forcing the issue. Lately, I've been really thinking of just drawing a hardline and stop screwing with her until she decides one way or the other. We're only a few months from D at this point, and she's been content to keep me in limbo up til now.


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
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