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A Message from Michele
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Re: The end of a marriage [Re: kml] #2325095
02/25/13 03:32 PM
02/25/13 03:32 PM
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Rachael55 Offline OP
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Yes. I want him to come home a little earlier from work and I especially want him to watch finances which he is willing but there's some reluctance. He agreed to keep track if his spending for a month then said two weeks. I'm going to insist. But he doesn't like being told what to do which is a problem. Our relationship has always been kind of competitive. I don't know why but he always likes to challenge me when I say things.

Re: The end of a marriage [Re: Rachael55] #2325104
02/25/13 03:50 PM
02/25/13 03:50 PM
Joined: Feb 2006
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oldtimer Offline
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What are your boundaries?


Best,
Oldtimer
Re: The end of a marriage [Re: oldtimer] #2325118
02/25/13 04:28 PM
02/25/13 04:28 PM
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Rachael55 Offline OP
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I need help on that. I asked him to decrease spending. Want him to come home earlier. He agreed to come home by 7 ,3 nites a week when he is not working but I am going to ask him to leave a half hour earlier in am. He has to work 9 hours a day and drives about 45 min to work. I want manners like please , thank you, excuse me. Which he balked at in the past but agrees to now. He ageed that I will do bills because I'm on time. I told him no contact whatsoever with ow. But I said that before. Want him to help around house more. Spend Sundays together as a family or just us. He wants to go out to dinner every weekend I said fine but not always expensive restaurants. Take out is good too. I want more affection as well. Got any advice? He tends to balk if he thinks he's being bossed.

Re: The end of a marriage [Re: Rachael55] #2325119
02/25/13 04:30 PM
02/25/13 04:30 PM
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Rachael55 Offline OP
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He agreed to come home by 7 when he is not working out at the gym is what I meant to say.

Re: The end of a marriage [Re: Rachael55] #2325138
02/25/13 05:12 PM
02/25/13 05:12 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,849
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kml Online
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My advice is to get him to go see a (good) marriage counselor with you. He needs to hear some of this from a third party. If he's not willing to go, he's not sincere.

Re: The end of a marriage [Re: kml] #2325139
02/25/13 05:14 PM
02/25/13 05:14 PM
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Rachael55 Offline OP
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Thanks. He agreed to see a therapist. Guess we'll go from there. He still wants to negotiate when I ask for some things. That' stubborn stuff bugs me.

Re: The end of a marriage [Re: Rachael55] #2325225
02/25/13 07:58 PM
02/25/13 07:58 PM
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Rachael55 Offline OP
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My h says he'll do anything to save the marriage but its not quite so. He's always had control issues with me and the kids. I mentioned I hated an ugly old bookcase in living room and he agreed to get rid of it if I got wall to wall carpet which I hate. I have hardwood which needs refimishing. It's things like that even now. Why if he's so sorry, keep trying to dicker with me?

Re: The end of a marriage [Re: Rachael55] #2325230
02/25/13 08:07 PM
02/25/13 08:07 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,885
Southern Maryland
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Why does he continue to do this to you? It's called control, being manipulative and also being a bully. It's gone on in your family for a long time and he's not going to change unless the dynamics of how you deal w/him change. There are times when he's gaslighting you to make you think you are the crazy one...you are not. Stand up for what you think is right and do not waiver from your morals and opinions.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: The end of a marriage [Re: job] #2325309
02/26/13 12:24 AM
02/26/13 12:24 AM
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Rachael55 Offline OP
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My sister gave me some advice. Said to talk to him differently tonight. Talk about the issues we have in a different way. So for instance the book case. Suggest in a pleasant way that I was thinking if h likes it so much how about putting it downstairs and how about we work on it together this weekend? Maybe get take out and start decluttering. She said you could tell h to think about it. If he's negative I can say ok I see and just keep track of his willingness to do anything. This will be telling. I thought it was a good idea. If he keeps knocking everything I guess he's not serious.

Re: The end of a marriage [Re: Rachael55] #2325431
02/26/13 01:04 PM
02/26/13 01:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,885
Southern Maryland
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I think your sister has a great idea. Try talking to him in a different manner. Make suggestions as to how to arrange things in the home, i.e., bookcase. This will allow him to make some decisions (and you will have gotten what you wanted in a roundabout way).

Hang in there!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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