You are getting some great advice I just thought I'd add a couple random thoughts.
I love the fact that you are making the conscious decision to look great and act confidently whenever you leave the house. Go get 'em cougar; be the hottest, brightest TW you can be.
Their affair WILL implode. It simply will. Affairs area fantasy world and the fantasy evaporates when faced with the real world. Then challenge will be deciding what you want to have happen once it does. (that may not be as straight forward as you think)
Do the 5k! Just do it!. Join a running or exercise group that meets regularly, cross fit, yoga, whatever. The regularity of the group will provide you with some cameraderie (sp) the endorphins act as an anti depressant, and the physicality will give you confidence. Also have your kids run the 5k with you. Our 10 year ran one last fall and he was by no means the youngest.
One final thought. As I was reading your posts, I had this image of a really active, focused Mom, there for her kids, rockin' it at PTO, play group, bunko, etc.
Is there a possibility that you devoted yourself so much to being a Mommy that you forgot to be a wife? I ask because that's in part what happened in my world. My wife became Mom to everyone, including me, assuming that if I was taken care I was happy. I really didn't need to be taken care of.
Tig, I really appreciate your words of affirmation! That's my thing. I really love learning and have always had a kind of hobby in psychology and relationships. That is why I thought I was so good at understanding and dealing with my H! That is why I thought my marriage was so well chosen and solid! I was so ignorant. But I'm open to learning and I really laid myself bare after the bomb and have been working hard ever since. Many of the ideas that formed the foundations of my life were not as right or healthy as I thought. I'm still learning, and practicing every single minute of every day. And I have a really amazingly great IC.
But I'm just sharing with you stuff I have been told that helped me be productive in my grief, because there are similarities in us. I'm so glad you find it useful.
There are two things I studied that I recommend again and again. Pia Mellody's cd set called "Boundaries" which seems like it wouldn't be for us and then it really is. It's very remedial information that will fill in some gaps about why you think it's ok to suppress your own needs, and what would happen if you didn't. And Sven Wahlroos's Family Communication, which is just plain interesting, but also shows how you can get shut down or even give up trying to communicate what you need to your own spouse. That one you may not even get as much out of but if you ever can get your hands on the cd set it would be worth a listen. I actually didn't really get how it applied to me until the second listen.
Tig, this is a terrible awful thing. There is NO excuse for your h and your friend. But there it is. It can happen and you suffer or it can happen and you grow, your pick.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thank you l'infidele for your thoughts which I can't tell you how much I appreciate...really.
I am going to do that 5K. My S8 did it last year with H (when he was 7) and it went great. I bet my S5 could run/walk it with me, too. There is a fun run of 1 mile, too.
How are you so sure the affair will implode? I would really like to believe this is true. I know my H is very dysfunctional in relationships and so is OW. Yet he stayed married to me for 10+years and she was married for probably 15. I am praying you are right simply because contact with the OW and my children is absolutely unacceptable and I am going to seek legal action to keep it that way. (seriously)
I tried very hard in both positive and negative ways to have the connected, happy marriage I wanted. I definitely made many many mistakes. But the more therapy and couples psychotherapy and counseling we have had, the more I realize that H has serious problems with emotional relationships and there was never really a hope to reach him the way I needed to. He admits this is true and acknowledges he has no idea how to connect with his own sons in an meaningful way. I am not trying to point the finger at him and claim I am all-innocent--I am not--but yes--I threw myself into my Mommy life when I realized my marriage wasn't giving me anything despite what I did or didn't do. I should have sought counseling--BIG mistake--years ago...but since H seemed happy and we were always harmonious and agreeable--it didn't seem urgent. Big big big mistake. And even now I think that counseling earlier might not have helped anyway.
but still I want my old life back, it was fun and comfortable and safe, and this new life is NOT. at least not yet.
thank you for the recommendations, adinva, I will look them up.
thank you for the compassion. this really is a HORRIFIC thing that is happening to our family. As I mentioned earlier, H chose to go away on a weekend vacation with the OW. The boys won't see him, and there were tears today and lots of anger from S8. Hugs and punching pillows helped, but it's just so infuriating how H chose OW over our sons this weekend. They really feel insecure and need to see him. I hate having to just sit back and let it happen but that is what I will have to do from now on.
1) You absolutely DO NOT have to sit and let it happen. That's the whole benefit of DB! You should be out doing something positive with yourself....movie night with friends at your house, cooking, working out, day trips. Expand your life. Here's one "challenge" for you to try if you want. Tomorrow ask one or two friends over and cook dinner together. Preferably try to grill outside. (OK, that last part might be just for a tweak on his nose for no good reason but you get the point)
2) I'm so sorry to say this, but your old life is gone forever, really, it just is. Everything has changed. The good news is that you have a whole new life ahead of you! It will be a great life, so fulfilling and meaningful. I can tell this just by your posts. Your husband may be part of it...and he'd be a fool not to be. But he may not be. You need to get going on creating your new life and not wait for him....... you may well discover that he is swept along in with it.
3) How do I know the affair will implode? I had an affair...I have some experience.
a)History shows that the odds are simply against it
b)Affairs are a relationship completely devoid of reality. That's why they are so appealing at first. You are only together for the positive parts of the relationship. Once the affair faces the real world, toilet seats left up, dirty laundry, nose picking, farting, uncapped toothpaste, unpaid bills....both parties realize "hey this relationship is the same as my old one, just a little different" then its like "well if its the same why am I here?"
c)Taking an affair relationship into the real world is like starting out on a transoceanic journey with a half sunk ship.
You know how hard a relationship is to keep healthy, vital and growing, right?
Now imagine starting a new one founded on deception and lies, with the burden of money woes, balancing children's needs, potential step children's needs, ex-spouses, lost friendships, lost family, new extended potential family members, new friends, work, cars, houses.....all while never having done anything to resolve your own inner turmoils that got you there in the first place and no shared history to fall back on. holy sh*t I just scared myself again.
Now having said all that affairs are like heroin, no really its addictive. At some point the addict has to accept that its the heroin causing the problem and CHOOSE to do the hard work it takes to get clean. That can take a long time and the fall could be very far. Just like an addict, you can't force him to choose to get clean and he may never. That's why you have to take care of you and keep the road back clear, but with appropriate boundaries.
hey labug--I was trying to find a thread about you to find out more information about your situation. are you making progressing on getting your H back home? what is working for you?
threw myself into my Mommy life when I realized my marriage wasn't giving me anything despite what I did or didn't do.
Just a follow up thought on this (Sorry its disjointed from my earlier reply)
One of the things I have observed over the years is that Mother child relationships become absolutely at the center of the mother's life (absolutely makes sense)
And then when the marriage faces trouble it becomes the absolute center of the universe and in the event of a divorce it can have the gravity of a black hole, pulling every single other relationship in(including the mother's relationship with herself)
Then there are all sorts of issues the Mom faces when her relationship with her children transitions from Momma, to Mommy, to Mother as it must.
I guess that's just a way of saying make sure to GAL for all the facets of who you are and ALL your life relationships.
Had some myself the other night, it was the right decision!