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A Message from Michele
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Re: The end of a marriage [Re: oldtimer] #2323379
02/19/13 02:50 AM
02/19/13 02:50 AM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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AJM Offline
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AJM  Offline
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Rachael, I certainly wasn't suggesting being a doormat either. And KML, I'm not saying she should be option B. I've been there. I know better smile

What I'm suggesting is for Rachael. And only for Rachael. She is not done. As such, setting the boundaries and taking the approach to list out what she will and will NOT accept, can be helpful.

I can see lying is one thing she won't accept. I applaud that and agree. But what else?

Having that clear structure can be helpful when emotions are involved. It's worth it to write it down, Rachael. Even if you don't reconcile things with your H. This suggestion was about you and only YOU. Rather, my agreement with the suggestion is only about you. I can't speak for others, but I saw it that way from OT as well.

Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Re: The end of a marriage [Re: oldtimer] #2323414
02/19/13 12:30 PM
02/19/13 12:30 PM
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 271
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Rachael55 Offline OP
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Rachael55  Offline OP
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Posts: 271
I had a very long talk with h last night. He wrote down changes he would make . Thing is he still insists that what I said was his phone in his pocket, was his wallet. His wallet is fat the phone isn't. He makes me question myself. I snooped and found out he is taking all cash out of investments as of today. Also a text from an unknown to meet h at a restaurant on thurs. he insists yet again it's over but I don't believe it. I'm tortured by this. What do I do?

Re: The end of a marriage [Re: Rachael55] #2323572
02/20/13 12:37 AM
02/20/13 12:37 AM
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 271
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Rachael55 Offline OP
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Rachael55  Offline OP
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Posts: 271
Decided to have him served to protect assets. Gotta do it at home or his work place.

Re: The end of a marriage [Re: Rachael55] #2323590
02/20/13 02:19 AM
02/20/13 02:19 AM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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AJM Offline
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AJM  Offline
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I would suggest his home. There is no need to cause a scene.

As for the rest, what did you tell him? Did you tell him you need to be able to trust him? Did you make that list?

I envy you being able to talk to your H. That's a very helpful thing even if you need him to earn your trust.

Hang in there. And think about what it is that's important to you. It'll be useful later either with H or with somebody else. With H if you have to continue to deal with him no matter what happens to the relationship. And you will likely have to deal with him as the years go on.

Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Re: The end of a marriage [Re: AJM] #2323716
02/20/13 04:45 PM
02/20/13 04:45 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,881
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kml Offline
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Rachael - you did the right thing to protect your assets. You are not paranoid or crazy - you know what you've found. He's been gaslighting you.

Does this mean he's not conflicted and hoping to reconcile (while still eating his cake?) - who knows. Right now you just need to protect yourself financially - if he's really a man who can't live without you, he'll step up to the plate when he sees what he's losing. Otherwise - well, you deserve a man who takes better care of you.

Re: The end of a marriage [Re: kml] #2323727
02/20/13 05:00 PM
02/20/13 05:00 PM
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 4,478
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oldtimer Offline
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Rachel,

AJM is correct, this is all about YOU, what is best for you.

By all means, don't doubt yourself. Adults don't get texts from unknown numbers inviting them to dinner. You are not crazy. Even if you have a detail wrong here or there, you have a realistic perspective on a situation that he is lying to you about.

I agree that you are doing well to protect your financial position. I think that keeping business matters purely business is the best thing at this point, no matter how things end up. Too many people try to manage the other person's feelings by sacrificing their financial stability. Doesn't really work out well.

H's denial about stuff is just about him not being able to face his own stuff than about you, probably even moreso. That doesn't mean it is OK. It just means that likely he can't even be honest with himself.

If I were in your position, I would require:

(1) Clear no contact communication that I personally witnessed.
(2) A clear commitment from H to get help: maybe see a counselor who you are sure is clear on his sexual behavior, or go to ten 12-step program of some sort (clearly he is out of control)

In the meantime, try any sort of co-dependents group. Al-anon, S-anon, Codependents anonymous, etc... The feelings of going crazy are perfectly normal. But you aren't crazy.


Best,
Oldtimer
Re: The end of a marriage [Re: oldtimer] #2323758
02/20/13 06:22 PM
02/20/13 06:22 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 4,060
Canada
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BeingMe Offline
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BeingMe  Offline
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Posts: 4,060
Canada
I agree with everyone ... protect yourself financially. Have those assets frozen if need be. At least, they'll still be assets dually owned. This is an emergency, as far as I can tell. If he's hiding financial stuff from you, and you've found out one detail, imagine what else he's hiding.

You are NOT crazy ... your H is, but he thinks he's sane. That's the sad part.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." Peace Pilgrim
Re: The end of a marriage [Re: BeingMe] #2323853
02/20/13 09:25 PM
02/20/13 09:25 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,891
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,891
Southern Maryland
Rachael,
Your h has been gaslighting you. Stay the course that you've set sail for and protect your assets.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: The end of a marriage [Re: job] #2323873
02/20/13 10:20 PM
02/20/13 10:20 PM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
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BklynMom Offline
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BklynMom  Offline
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Posts: 1,987
Alanon really help me see that I wasnt the crazy one. It truly help me in ways these boards could not.

It also provide me a network of local friends and confidants outside my regular group that I was not comfortable sharing my problems with.

It took me months and months to see the gaslighting in my life. Protect yourself financially but also take care of your own mental health through C, Alanon, these boards etc.

We love you and you are not crazy


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

Re: The end of a marriage [Re: BklynMom] #2323895
02/20/13 11:23 PM
02/20/13 11:23 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,881
K
kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,881
Yeah - even though there were no addiction problems involved in my divorce on either side, my friend gave me the Alanon book The Courage to Change, which was quite helpful.

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