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Joined: Feb 2013
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SS,

Some of what you are experiencing with your H sounds similar to my sitch. My H makes a lot of promises to do things and then he never does them. If I have the nerve to bring it up later, then he gets very upset with me and complains about all the roadblocks in his life.

Like you, I find my H's indirect and abstract "communication" style very hard to understand. He clearly is miserable but takes little to no action towards reconciling or even making himself happy.

I am still on a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally, where somedays I am very detached and sometimes I backslide.

Keep up the good work.


M: 44
H: 49
4 children from previous R (3 @ home, 1 in college)
M: 4
S: 12/12
H wants to come home: 2/13
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Sometimes the ability to do things helps us realize what amazing people we can be. Don't know about you SS, but when I do something I never thought of doing or didn't think I was capable of doing I feel really really good. I feel strong and most importantly I feel that I can do this....whatever your this may be!

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Thanks Bug, CV and Ruby. smile I really do feel so much better.
H is not doing so good. He has been calling/ messaging me quite a bit the last two days. He is really down, his in so much financial debt. Majority of it is all new in the last few months. He is having a lot of problems with his job and he feels homeless. I thought he was living at his GD's but apparently he is still living with his Mum. He said it doesn't feel like home. It's been almost three weeks since he last had the kids. He has cried several times on the phone to me in the past two days. Says he doesn't know what he is doing.
He came over again tonight to see them because apparently, he is working 7 days for the next month. Strange thing was, I went out the front, so he could spend time with them, he followed, then they followed.
I went out the back, same thing. Came inside same thing, we ended up all just sitting out the front. He was only here maybe 20 mins/ half an hour.

He hasent changed much really, here he is in so much financial trouble but yet he was showing me all this stuff he brought on eBay! Hmm only cheap things but they all add up. I didn't say anything.

Another strange thing is his memory! I was talking yesterday about D9 having a appointment today, she may end up needing surgery. It's nothing major and she may not even need it but he was crying asking me to call him after the appointment today, so I called,...
Me: Hey, how are you?
H: Good, how are you?
Me: I'm good. Just had D9's appointment,.
H: What appointment?
Me: Her appointment I told you about yesterday.
H: Appointment for what?
Me: her appointment for ..., you asked me to call after she was out.
H: oh yeah,... How did she go?

That's just kinda freaky, I used to put that down to him just not listening to me but he was crying about it yesterday. I think he is depressed pretty badly.

The strange thing is, he hasent pulled me back on to his roller coaster!!! I've got no expectations what so ever. I really wouldn't be surprised if he is back to not talking to me by tomorrow. I know done will say that I am letting him eat his cake but I can't not be there for him, if he needs me. I know I can't help him and I'm not trying to, just being a friend when he needs one, that's all.

It feels so good to be able to talk to him/ be there for him without being down about it.

I really do think I am right where I am supposed to be. I can see now why this had to happen. I'm actually starting to like being single. I like me a whole lot more these days and I love not rushing around all the time. I love feeling free.

I didn't really feel anything for him but I still don't think I really look at him these days. I care about him a lot. I do love him but not in the same way.

I do hope he can sort himself out. It does hurt, knowing how badly he hurts but I know, this is all a result of his own choices in life and I really don't know if he had even learnt any lesions.

I know I have learnt many lesions and continue to do so. It's not about him or me anymore, it about our children.


M: 29, H: 31
D: 9
S: 8
T: 13 Y
M: 9 Y
ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012
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Worrying does not empty tomorrow
of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
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Okay so now I'm confused and I don't know what to do next. As I mentioned above, H is not doing good at all. He is calling me several times a day crying and stuff, he is a mess. So he called crying again today and he asked to come and talk to me because he didn't know who else he could talk to.

Well I had no expectations what so ever,... Maybe I should have ,.... I was NOT expecting him to ask me for relationship advice!!!
Apparently his GF is sick and depressed, possibly bipolar. So she broke up with him today via text message but says they will still be best friends until she is better, that she is seeing a physocoligist. Blah, blah, blah.

He was telling me how much he cares about her and how badly he wanted it to work out. Umm yeah,...
I told him I can't give him relationship advice. We talked about his job and financial troubles ect. He cried several times and I cried once too.

He said a few times that he just thinks he is still trying to work out what he wants.

I'm a little sad and a little confused but I don't know what to do next.
I want to be there for him but I need to think of me first.


M: 29, H: 31
D: 9
S: 8
T: 13 Y
M: 9 Y
ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012
~~~~
Worrying does not empty tomorrow
of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
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Yikes. You should not be in that position. It's not good for you, in anyway, to let him cry on your shoulder about his GF. Wow.

If he has an IC, tell him that you aren't the best person to help him through this kind of difficulty. You care, but you are not a professional. If he doesn't have an IC, give him a phone number for one to call.

It's not as heartless as it sounds. You have to have boundaries and it is beyond the pale to expect you to be his emotional support system right now. But also, sometimes you are not the best person to help, you are doing more good by encouraging him to get better help.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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^^^ What she said. Wow! You're a better woman than I am. I would have gone off on him.


Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13
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Originally Posted By: Soul.Searching
Okay so now I'm confused and I don't know what to do next.


This:

Quote:
I told him I can't give him relationship advice.


Bravo!!! That was exactly the right thing to tell him IMO.

Quote:
He said a few times that he just thinks he is still trying to work out what he wants.


Tell him you understand, and that he needs to take time and space to figure things out for himself. Tell him you're doing the same, trying to figure out what you want.

Quote:
I want to be there for him but I need to think of me first.


Normally you want to be there if the WAS is reaching out, but I don't think that extends to being a sympathetic ear when they want to cry over OP!!!! Seriously, your H needs a good slap across the face, LOL! I'd love to shake him and say "what in the world are you thinking??" Going to your W to whine about the OW breaking up with you is one of the craziest things I've read on these forums wink


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Nah, not so crazy lol!! I get texts when H's GF has gone a bit strange. Nothing for advice, but I always know something's up lol!! I am usually non-committal and don't even reply to them smile

SS- my H constantly forgets things too...like the next day!! Sounds like your H needs help that you can't give. I told my H that I would say it once only and that he needed professional help and possibly anti depressants because no one feels that way all the time.


Single is good, breathing room is good smile

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"Let it be, let it be"
Thanks everone.
Advina. I did set a boundary about talking about her,., which I had to reinforce tonight. ( ill post about that in a bit.) he is not seeing a IC but is actually considering it,.. Something he has always been dead against.

CV, six months ago, I probably would have,.. This situation really has changed me. I don't want to be an angry, bitter person because of this.

AS, I can't put my finger on exactly what it is but your posts always help so much.


Ruby,.. I think it's crazy,.. I think we just get so used to the crazy that it doesn't seem so crazy anymore lol,.. Does that make sense?


Okay, so I had both H and a friend constantly texting me while I was trying to type the last post, so some of this one is about last night too.

Actually, I think it was the night before last that he was so upset about his financial situation one minute and then showing me all his new purchases on EBay and telling me what he is getting next.

Then last night he was complaining about his job. He got caught doing a few things at work and there were consequences to his actions.
He was telling me how his bosses have just been trying to push him and push him, until he breaks and it worked. He really sees it as them against him and not concerquences to his actions.
I'm can't remember if I already posted this or not but apparently H and his sister came to the conclusion that H was happy with his job because he didn't want to come home to me and now he is unhappy with it because he wants to be home. Nice, huh?

Had a strange experience today,.,
So today after shopping, I was sitting in my parked car, in the car park, trying to work out what to do. I didn't know if I should contact his sister or Mum and tell them about the constant crying ect.,, All of a sudden a song popped in to my head out of no where... "Wispered words of wisdom Let it be, let it be"
Sounds strange but that is what I decided to do and drove off feeling a lot more peaceful.
Seriously, not more than three hours later, I got a text from a good friend who I talk to a lot via text but she lives in the next state, so I don't see very often.
It was a picture of a tattoo she got months ago and kept forgetting to tell me about. The tattoo was three words,... "Let it be" I found that totally trippy, it's like it was a sign. That really is what I need to do "Let it be"
I will be there for him, except concerning OW,.. However I will not interfere in any way, including talking to his family.

So anyway, he called tonight and was here but I was out. I took the kids to a local duck pond to ride their bikes. H met us there. We walked around a few times, then sat on logs while the kids rode their bikes. He was just on his phone for ages, then he said "So I finally got to talk to her today" yeah,... Turns out he was talking about his GF. Turns out she hasent talked to him in days,..
Yeah, right around the time he started calling me crying.
I'm so glad I didn't talk to his family because I now believe, that this whole depressed, crying stuff was about OW, he just didn't want to tell me, until she broke up with him via text!!

Told me how she loves him and they will be best friends until she sorts herself out.
I once again told him but maybe a bit more clearly this time.
I told him, I will still be here for him concerning anything else but his relationship is out of bounds. I told him how I was a mess, how it's only been in the last month that I am okay and I'm not going there. I told him it still hurts to hear these things. It hurts to hear that he wanted to work so many hours, just because he didn't want to come home to me but now he is not with me, he doesn't want to be at work. I told him I thought it was pretty messed up that he was talking to his wife about his girlfriend.

I threw him some truth darts last night about a lot if the good things he forgot about.

Something else occurred to me as well. He keeps coming over to see the kids but yet seems to follow me around. He hasent had the kids overnight for nearly three weeks now due to work, I offered to go home and let him spend some time with them and then he could drop them off, he declined.
It occurred to me, that he just can't for whatever reason, be alone with the kids. He had them alone one weekend and dropped them back really early in the morning, instead of the night. He brought them back and just hung around here.

He also asked why I thought to take the kids there, I have taken the kids there since they were little, he said he knew but he thought I only took the kids there to feed the ducks, not ride. I told him I have taken them there for both. He looked sad and said this is the first time he had been there with them. I told him that's why I used to get frustrated when he was never home.
Thinking back now though, I do remember him coming there maybe twice with us. Oh well.

So basically H is taking up too much of my thoughts again now. It's not up to me to analyse H, or to try to "fix" him or his problems. I can be a listening ear, with exception of OW talk but I need to leave it at that. Plain and simple.
This is all pretty darn messed up.



Wow, thanks to anyone who actually made it through this novel of a post. I appreciate it.


M: 29, H: 31
D: 9
S: 8
T: 13 Y
M: 9 Y
ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012
~~~~
Worrying does not empty tomorrow
of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
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Is it just me or do you think you might just be making yourself too available for him?


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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