The end of a marriage

[job]

Rachael,
You've told him how you feel, now you will need to step back. Try not to allow him to engage you in any more discussions about the situation. He knows that what he did was very wrong and yes, he's trying to deflect the guilt and blame on to you. No one made him have an ea or pa w/the ow. He did that all by himself. He took the easy route out of trying to work on his issues. Had he been a stronger person w/a good moral compass, he would have tried to work things out w/you and a MC.

If he comes at you again for more discussion, just tell him you do not wish to discuss it any further. Your h knows what buttons to push to get you to react. You are the only one that is mature enough to control your actions.

[oldtimer]

Rachael,

If you were DONE, you'd not be posting as you are. Given you aren't DONE, why close the door on your M?

This is the deal. H had an affair. No reason to resist reality there.

Are you willing to try to heal the M? If so, do it.

-- STOP expecting H to mind read.
-- STOP wanting H to magically change the past. He has not treated you to date as you would like. THAT is never going to change. Perhaps though, there is space for a healthy R in the future.

How about an email:

"H, I can make no promises, but I am open to seeing if we can heal our marriage. Here are some non-negotiables for me:

1
2
3

Here are some things I would like:

1
2
3

Please send similar lists to me. If we try this, we are in it together. We both have faults, we both have pain, we both have shame, we both need to heal. If we heal individually and together, then perhaps we have a chance after all."

[Rachael55]

Dear old timer
One month ago he told ow he wants her not me. He was looking for apts. he is still lying to me. My non negotiable is lying. I don't trust him. He is doing nothing to back up what he says. He is always gone. When he is here he watches tv. Doesn't interact much. All of a sudden he wants to work on it because what? She dumped him? How many times do I go through this? It's the same thing as before. I wasn't happy before all this. Cuz I felt unimportant, not respected. I believe he can't stop contacting her. I don't want to live this way.

[oldtimer]

Of course you don't want to live that way. But nor are you DONE. So what does it hurt about trying to find a way to make things work well for YOU. Trying doesn't mean you settle for an unsatisfactory outcome.

[AJM]

Rachael, I can see you are angry and hurt. But I think it's good advice from OT to write those lists and post them. OT is right, you are not done.

AJ

[kml]

I disagree. Rachael's husband has a secret cell phone on which he is still contacting OW, is telling OW he wants her, is looking at apartments - sure, he MIGHT snap to his senses once he realizes his W is not waiting around any longer to be plan B, but that wouldn't be enough. He's got a long road ahead of him to prove his good intentions at this point - and a separation might be just what it takes.

[kml]

Also, he's still LYING about all of it.

He's not showing any good faith effort.

[Rachael55]

My husband has been cold and disrespectful for a long time. I know I will get burned again. I warned him that if he spoke to ow again I was done. This is the 3rd time. The minute he feels secure, or mad at me he will run right back to her. She has become his confidant. I am sticking to what I said for a change. No more door mat.

[Golfgirl1]

I didn't go back to my maiden name, either. It didn't feel right and everyone knows me professionally by my married name. However, I've been contemplating the name Kairos as it means..the right or opportune moment. I like that. Who knows?

[oldtimer]

Rachael,

I'm certainly not suggesting that you be a door mat! Rather, have an open mind and be direct. Clearly articulate some requirements and some desires, ask him to be the same, and have an open mind to see what happens.

The idea is to work on boundaries to see where they get you.