I want him to be happy

[lionhrt]

Hi stilllooking up. Thanks for popping over to my stich.

'Those who dig deepest may at first find some unpleasant surprises'

Boy is this true! I have a pad full of them and things still pop into my head. Nothing particularly nasty, but situations/behaviours that you look back on and think urghh!

FWIW W did make some things up as well and in my sitch the knack was to find the truths or the elements of truth in what she said. But when I dig deeper I discover more and more about myself that I need to change!

Re S my W was also very clear we were done. I would not read too much into whether it is a trial or permanent. A WAS may say it is a trial to spare you the hurt, may say they are done to hurt you more or they may actually mean it...IDK, but point is it distracts you. Would you behave differently in your work here if you thought it was a trial or permanent? If he tells you then fine but IMO I would not push for this discussion.

'but what if you posses completely opposite traits and have to live with me 24-7?'

For the record your sitch struck me in that me and my W had a similar dynamic. W was the organised one, very particular in what she liked, critical of others etc etc and I was the more laid back one (too laid back). So we are opposites in the same sitch! So when you say your H tuned in I bet he did as I did for all these years and tuned out as 25yrs says! He let you get on with it for an easy life?

....but W came to resent this in the end as she shouldered too much of the burden at home.

Just some food for thought and sorry I could'nt be more help.

Good luck

[stilllookingup]

I applaud your bravery in looking within. I really do. My only two observations are that saying you "always liked criticizing things and people" - honey, it IS not a desirable trait. It's called being "critical." Honestly, no one likes it. Do you like being around other people who constantly or "always" put others down?

I should have clarified it better. I agree with you 100% that is is NOT a desirable trait when it’s voiced often. However the reason why I said why I think it wasn’t a bad trait of mine was because that’s why I am good at handing finances, making good decisions at work etc. Essentially being critical is one of the traits that makes me who I am. I also believe being critical is the reason why I can look at myself deeper and analyzes good and bad. Having said that, it is NOT a desirable trait for others to handle and I can say I never held back. English is my second language and I had and still have an identity crisis living here. When I first came here, I was a quiet one because of the language barrier. I quickly learned that to make it in this country I had to be more assertive because everyone else was. I come from a culture where we would do what the next person does. We don’t like doing anything different. Coming from the culture, I had to make a serious adjustment to how I would behave and think. And apparently I had the wrong idea of being assertive. I thought if I voiced every opinion and criticism I would be perceived as an opinionated person. Fortunately though after awakening, I have been refraining from voicing my criticism whenever I catch myself. Of course I slip here and there but the most important thing is that now I am aware of how my being critical has affected my relationships with others.

As for being "very organized" and that being a good trait, it is if you like that!! AND OR don't expect others to meet your standards in THEIR lives...
Striking balance is important. Allowing others to be themselves is important. But the extremes of either can be seen as negatives.

This is going to be my lifetime challenge. Apparently and unconsciously I expect others to meet my standards. That’s why I get irritated and force them to do my way. I don’t understand when something so simple isn’t organized. But the funny thing is I’m so organized people who’ve seen our home say it looks like it’s right out of a magazine and yet I have a pile of unsorted papers in the corner of my desk, a pile of things I have to put up on ebay but haven’t and a bunch of expired groupon. You see, It’s just like my marriage. I told my H this too but I had priorities all messed up. I should have put him first before organizing, financing, house or baby. In my mind I thought I was organizing life events well. Get married, Organize house, Get finances together, Buy a house, decorate the house beautifully, fix it up beautifully, organize closets, get a surgery for infertility, get a baby and then, THEN focus on “us” Boy was I wrong.

Being like this affected the way I interacted with him greatly. I always liked everything planned. I would ask him to call his mother to ask about date and time for a party. If he didn’t within few hours I was irritated. After his breakdown in July I was game. I initiated a date night every Friday followed by sex. I mean every Friday night I initiated. I noticed he looked sadder and sadder and I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I was too mechanical. Finally I understand after BD… he didn’t just want more sex, he wanted to feel loved. I love him from the bottom of my heart but I didn’t know how to show him. I thought having scheduled sex would show him I cared about him.

you mean b/c he tuned OUT? I don't get your wording. You mean he didn't want to fight it out with you b/c he was conflict avoidant with you, or he didn't feel he'd get anywhere or what? If there was no compromise & it was all done your way, then, isn't it easier to see what really happened? What do you think?

English is my second language so bear with me when I don’t make sense sometimes You are right, I should have said he tuned out.

Again, since DB-ing I’ve learned to let go and go with flow more but like I said I have a LONG way to go still.
Thank you 25yearsmlc, your comments makes me think even deeper and deeper and that’s what I need to do right now

[stilllookingup]

For the record your sitch struck me in that me and my W had a similar dynamic. W was the organised one, very particular in what she liked, critical of others etc etc and I was the more laid back one (too laid back). So we are opposites in the same sitch! So when you say your H tuned in I bet he did as I did for all these years and tuned out as 25yrs says! He let you get on with it for an easy life? ....but W came to resent this in the end as she shouldered too much of the burden at home.

wow so she couldn’t take it anymore and wanted D.. That really proves neither way wins. If we don’t have a balanced dynamic in our m, it doesn’t last. My H actually pointed out about that when we sat down after BD 4 months ago. I could not agree with him more. It was always my way.

Thank you for your comment. Don’t worry about not being much of a help. Any comment is a help

[stilllookingup]

Journaling -

Right after his last email (my 1st post in this thread) in late January, he went to see an apartment and filling out an application. Then early Feb, his grandpa he (everyone) loves dearly went unconscious we were asked to come up to see him. My H who received the news from his mom called me at work and I could tell right away he was crying. I calmed and comforted him the best I could over the phone and we all went to see him later that day together. This grandpa is really extraordinary. No one can remember the last time he was angry. He was always laughing and joking and he’s just the most likable old guy I’ve ever known. His wife on the other hand is completely opposite. We can only remember her being mad at him but the dynamic worked for them. In fact it worked for them so well that they had been married over 60 years. Although it hurt seeing him in the state, it was more painful to see her by his side completely confused and sad. She kept walking to the bedroom where he was sleeping just to tell him “I love you, please open eyes one more time” It absolutely broke my heart. It broke everyone’s hearts. Few days later beloved grandpa passed away very peacefully.

Since this day my fear of touching my H and being affectionate to him was gone. (I’ve been so scared of even touching him since BD) His grandpa reminded me again how precious a life is. I can’t remember how many times I hugged him since this day til today. Whatever the situation we are in, I do not want to regret not letting him know that I love and care about him so much. Instead of not being able to tell him I love him, I hug him every morning now before he goes to work. Call me delusional but I feel somewhat closer to him. He hugs me back every time I hug him. It might not mean anything on his end but at least I feel closer and that’s all I can cherish right now. I know he’s still planning on leaving soon but the weird tension we had before is fading. I hope to carry this atmosphere until he leaves.

Rest peacefully, grandpa. Give us both strengths to get through this.

[stilllookingup]

I know 180 is all about being counter-intuitive but what if my issue before DB was being counter-intuitive? Now I think about it more and more, that was one of my biggest flaws.

My problem is I think too much. I have a problem enjoying things the way they are. I'm definitely one of those people who acts after I think. Since when I was little I cared awfully a lot about how other people perceived me. Maybe because my older brother was a trouble maker and my mom would always tell me that she was counting on me?

If I see a TV commercial I think about the story behind it really deep and my H used to make fun of me. "Man the things that go through your mind!" Because I think too much I often told my H "You know honey I admire a sponteneous person but I've realized that's somebody I'll never be" If you've ever watched the TV show, Friends, I am just like Monica. I just can't seem to do something out of order because I'm so organized and planned.

While my H definitely appreciates some of my organizing trait (I know this because he answered so on a questionarrie in the couple's group class) I don't think he liked my ever-unsponteneous side.

Like my best friends have told me, I need to loosen up. I need to lighten up. Ha! No wonder people love me when I drink and get silly.

[azguy]

Hi Still,

Thank you for sharing your story. I can see how this situation is causing you to really look hard at your own actions, and how they contributed to the separation. I admire your ability to empathize with your H, and refusal to blame him, while still acknowledging the issues he is grappling with.

I am going through a similar situation, although my (now) exW has been gone longer. I find myself with almost eerily similar thoughts to yours and other LBS on these forums. I guess the encouraging part of that is, if our and the WAS feelings and thoughts are so predictable, perhaps the process of reconnecting via PMA and GAL, etc. really applies to your (and my) situation, and will gradually lead to positive change.

Hang in there. I'm rooting for you.

[stilllookingup]

Hi azguy, Thank you for posting. I've said this before and I'll say this again but if this whole thing hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been able to find myself and do all the thinking and GAL. So for that I really want to thank my H. Don't get me wrong. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I know some of my friends don't understand why I'm being patient. Well newsflash - they haven't been in our m. I decide our m is worth fighting for.

I've taken a quick look at your thread just now. I gotta go do my volunteer duty in a bit but I'm looking forward to reading more about your situation when I come back.

[sweetbabyred]

Still, I agree with you. I never would have asked for this to happen, but I've learned to move out of my comfort zone and become a better person. I still wish it hadn't happened, but I'm going to end up better because of it.

[hotwheelsaust]

StillLookingUp, love that quote:
"I've said this before and I'll say this again but if this whole thing hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been able to find myself and do all the thinking and GAL. So for that I really want to thank my H. Don't get me wrong. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I know some of my friends don't understand why I'm being patient. Well newsflash - they haven't been in our m. I decide our m is worth fighting for."
Kinda where I am now.

[stilllookingup]

Still, I agree with you. I never would have asked for this to happen, but I've learned to move out of my comfort zone and become a better person. I still wish it hadn't happened, but I'm going to end up better because of it.

I'm right there with you! I am, actually let me re-phrase that.. I was a very impatient, easily irritable person before this. Every little thing annoyed me and voiced it every time. I'm not a saint, so I still find some things annoying but I don't voice it and more importantly when I do come across something annoying, I've learned to be able to think "nah, whatever. There are more important things to care about" And that's HUGE for me.