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Originally Posted By: Grace_O
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I can't live like this pulling all the curtains closed and scurrying the boys in and out of the house. Why should WE be living like fugitives too?


You shouldn't have to. Don't you think this different behavior on your part is telling the boys something? Kids are so much smarter than we usually give them credit for.

Because you are altering your behavior (closed curtains and kids scurrying)I would seriously consider giving your H a timeline to sit and talk with the boys together and not an extended one. You should not have to live like a captive because of his behavior.

I know you are trying to protect your boys. What message do you think you are sending them though?

HUGS


I agree. I would discuss this with the C on how to tell them, but it will be SO much worse for them to hear it from someone else. This isn't an OW detached from the family...it's across the street. In a perfect world, the kids don't need to know, but this is going to blow up in both your faces. Your boys need to know they can trust you. Hopefully, he will move somewhere else. Wow. I'm willing to use the 2 x 4 too...

You are doing extremely well in a crazy sitch.


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
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You guys are awesome.

So far the curtains closed have been explained with the snow and cold...and nightly "movie nights". They aren't been necessarily hurried up inside as it's cold...but if the weather becomes nicer than this will be an issue. H is on his way here now. He said that he and the OW will be looking for a new place to live together. Wow. that was fast. I talked to my neighbor's sister-in-law who is a divorce attorney. Said there are ways to protect the children from this behavior and from spending time with her. I need to see a lawyer tomorrow. Today he took me off his FB as "married to"...but made this visible to everyone except me. I can see on FB that I am still married to H. and H to me...but everyone else sees that I am not. Divorce lawyer said is demonstrating sociopathic behavior. He went to psychoanalyst today and said it was useless but will go again with me on Thurs. I will seek their advice on how to tell the children most appropriately.

I don't know how to proceed in terms of contacting his mother. I want to reach out and say that she will always be welcome and be able to see the boys--before she hears anything from him about how I am trying to poison the boys against him. But I also don't want her to know....

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wow just when things couldn't get any worse! He says that they are moving in together! she said she feels illegitimate and wants to tell his whole family. I said I am afraid she is illegitimate since 10 days ago he was living here and he is STILL MARRIED. she is the adulteress and unfortunately will have to wait to become an honest woman.

He does not want to tell the boys. But I think it's coming this weekend after consulting with the professionals.

I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow.

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Didn't H's dad do this same thing? Sweet lord, I feel for you.

Just big hugs!


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
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Tig,

I really think his family should be dealt with by him. You can always contact her after she knows. She may contact you.

Remember that blood is thicker than water and depending on her, the relationship can goes sideways.

She will be able to see the boys through him.

I understand that he thinks you are poisoning the boys. As long as you are not speaking negatively about him, don't worry what others think.

I think part of the WAS's script is to blame their kids hurt and anger on the LBS. They can't seem to see that their own actions may have created these feelings as the kids independently see what is happening.

Over time your ability to take the high road will be seen.

HUGS

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YES! H's father left H's mother for the lady across the street and moved in with her, leaving the 3 of them (H, H's sister and H's mother) behind. Then H's mother dropped off the two kids (ages 4 and 2) on the doorstep across the street and gave up custody to them. That is where the story does NOT repeat itself.

H does not have good R with either his mother or father. I said to H tonight, sort of thinking out loud--I want your mom to know that she will always be welcome in this home with me and the boys--will you be telling her soon? and he told me that he would rather I TELL HER. I said I wasn't planning on telling her, but just wanted her to know.

I said I could not have contact with the OW and for the forseeable future neither would our sons. He agreed to this. So if his mom came to visit, the only way he would see the boys is with H alone...or me.

Thanks for the hugs. I can't believe this is going on...

today I said--H, you must feel euphoric, finally free--but please keep in mind that things are still very raw here. And H looked sad and said, I am not euphoric...

can't figure that out.

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I would never EVER speak badly about H or prevent them from seeing one another EVER. We have the rest of the week set up--swimming lessons, hanging out, dinner here, board games, ice skating. We have a full and fun schedule for the boys. They are reluctant to connect with H, and that is to be expected. It will take some time.

I will never stoop to any level that would disgrace me. I think some pretty revengeful things though...but NEVER do anything> I would not give her the pleasure.

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Oh and when I said moving in together (they are already living across the street), what I meant is she is putting her house on the market and they are moving to another town together. Good grief. I just cannot comprehend this. Why all the rush? It's been 10 days!!

OW has told her S8 to keep this a secret from her parents (his grandparents). Says he parents will freak out when they find out what is going on. (They like me) I feel bad for her little boy. This is not a secret that an 8-year-old should be keeping. I don't want my sons exposed to that sick type of parenting.

ANYONE else but her. I do hope this R does not last. Therapist said it will topple like a house of cards. I am praying every day that it does just that.

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It's nice that he would rather you tell his Mom. I think he is avoiding responsibility for his actions.

My H did not have a good R with his Mom either and as far as I know he never did tell her (she has passed). I didn't either.

D's didn't have a close R with her (saw her maybe 5 times in their lives)and she did little to contact us. Either way, I would not have been the one to tell her.

The only member of his family I did tell was one of his brother's that was calling the house to get ahold of him. Then it was a simple "he doesn't live here anymore, you should contact him on his cell".

Your integrity will serve you well. I have always taught D's that integrity is the one thing in this would that can never be taken from you....you have to give it away.

Hang in there.

HUGS

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Grace you are right. Integrity can't be taken away from you--you have to give it away. I will be quoting your grandma for sure. I have not said a single mean word about the OW to H. Again, wouldn't give either one the pleasure.

I think there is something seriously wrong with me because I would still take him back under certain (probably impossible) conditions. Seems laughable given that he is ready to get a new place with her and I am off to the lawyer today. But I would definitely consider it. I do not want a divorce! But I do want to make sure the boys have a financially and emotionally secure life. So off I go to set that up.

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