Such a hard hard day today. The little one asked for a family meeting to talk about Daddy leaving. It ended up with lots of feelings shared, lots of tears, lots of anger, and fears...so overwhelming, so sad. We all cried.
I had a heartfelt conversation with H about him living across the street from us. Begged him to please consider that it would be too much for the boys to handle if they found out. They ask me several times a day (and ask him too )where are you staying daddy? Begged him to please consider moving to a hotel...but he said he is "in a relationship" and has decided that takes priority. The OW wants him to stay, though she acknowledges it must be hard for the boys. Her own S8 knows that H is his mommy's new BF---which must be confusing since H is his best friends' daddy. Messed up for that kid too.
I feel like I am allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. I said that H could see the boys every day if he wanted. But I don't think this is healthy for me or them. Very intense moods after he leaves. Today I had to say it was too emotional for him to come over. H understood. H talks to me about OW as if we are now platonic friends, and it is hard to hear. I am trying to get out have fun keep life moving (and it helps) but it is still new and raw and hard.
I need boundaries. I feel like H and I are not on the same page in putting the boys' best interests first by living across the street. It hurts me and is just insensitive. Cruel really. Enough is enough. Lying to the boys, H still sneaking around, it feels horrible.
I don't know what to do. Keep the visitation to a more "normal" schedule--once during the week and over the weekends...or keep an open door. I feel the open door policy lets him have everything he wants (see the boys)and flaunt it at me across the street. Having boundaries will help me heal, and give the boys time to just "be", and settle into a new routine.
I am strong and have been as upbeat and positive as possible until now. but now feel worn out run down and incapable of talking to him anymore about this. I have appealed to him several times...and I know that I have done a lot of enabling in the past and continue to be the bridge between him and the boys, to facilitate their relationship. he has no real idea what to do with them or how they feel, doesn't even really ask about them. I don't feel like I want to spill out all of their emotions and tell them how horrible tonight was--it was something they shared with ME, they trust me. if he wants to know how they feel, he should ask THEM. yet I know they won't tell him. But if he knows how sad they are, maybe something in him with change? I doubt it. SO SO SO confused. what should I do. I don't like being around him, but I can endure it for the boys. I really don't think it's great right now for them to see him every day, maybe confusing? and their emotions are all over the place afterwards. It's eary. And I just can NOT stand him living across the street. that is the worst part of all for me. and if the boys find out, well then we really do have problems.
I feel the open door policy lets him have everything he wants (see the boys)and flaunt it at me across the street. Having boundaries will help me heal, and give the boys time to just "be", and settle into a new routine
Your boys need to have their Dad in their life, no matter how you feel about him. Separate your R with H from their R with their D, don't use them to get back at H. He's not flaunting his new R, he's just not very bright right now.
Maybe a schedule will work best for you, sit down with H and work it out.
No longer be in charge of his R with his sons. Move out of that role completely unless he asks specific questions. He's an adult male, he can figure it out. But remember if it's not the R you would like them to have, that's OK. Don't try to fix it. The more you try to control their R, the more you H might believe that it's all your fault that he can't have a R with his sons.
Stay out of it.
And I do wish you luck. ((( )))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I agree with Labug. It is tricky with the kids. Mine are so so young, they don't get it at all. But, I know for me, a schedule is helping. It doesn't have to be permanant, but I needed some space to work through my own emotions and it is just too hard for me to be around H too much.
I have nothing to say about his living situation. It's hurtful and crazy, but it is what he has decided to do. He's a jerk, but you can't stop him. I would, however, ask him nicely to stop talking about OW with you. I had to do that when my H was with OW and would try to tell me how awful she felt. Well, not awful enought to stop sleeping with my H... I calmly said, "Look, I really can't hear about her anymore. It's very hurtful."
Good luck!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Thank you for your input. I realize that in trying to protect my S from the knowledge that H is across the street with the OW, I am also protecting my H from the repercussions of his actions. I do not want to and will not keep the boys from their father ever. I think it will have to be on a more limited basis, with me very detached. I will not share what happened last night, except in general terms if he asks. I believe my next step is to say that if he continues to live across the street, it is time for him to tell the neighbors and the boys so that we can just get the pain of them knowing over with. Their 8 year old friend knows. Though H says this boy (OW son) is discreet and mature, let's face it, he is a child, and he will eventually tell the boys. I was hoping that the boys could build their R with their father back up and learn about the affair later...preferably 10 years down the road...when they might be able to understand it and process it better. But I feel like might as well be now. We can put it in simple terms, at least the truth will be out. We have two appts this week with different therapists and I am making another one who specializes in children. I will see what they think and then proceed from there.
That your sons have been told nothing does not mean they truly know nothing. The OW's son is your S8 best friend? Have they seen each other at all since your H moved in? I suspect he may know something, but it isn't necessarily concrete.
IMO both of you should sit the boys down and explain what is happening. Their lack of infomation makes all that is going on in their heads that much bigger and scarier. They have nothing to hold onto because they have nothing to deal with. How do you cope with anxiety that has no definition? It is free floating and creates all kinds of monsters. This is what my D's have shared with me in the last 6 years.
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and continue to be the bridge between him and the boys, to facilitate their relationship. he has no real idea what to do with them or how they feel, doesn't even really ask about them.
I am still dealing with this and the truth is at some point he has to care enough to ask the boys and deal with them directly.
In my case (by all appearances)my H was not able to even really hear what I had to say regarding D's. He met with youngest D and her C for the 1st time last week...over 5 years after he moved out. I think he hears some of what I say now and I think he tries to connect.
I do think you have to set boundaries for yourself as far as how often you see him and a regular schedule for the boys will help them to know what to expect. It will help you to detach too.
Something to consider and I do not mean this in a finger pointing way, is how the boys will cope with him living with and raising someone else's son and not them. A good children's C can help you and the boy's with this. I can tell you they may be angry and jealous and wonder why they aren't good enough and don't mean enough for him to be there with them. He will not hear you if you point this outto him, I can almost guarantee that.
Your H's rationalization that OW's son is mature and discreet is interesting. The boy is 8, why is he being charged with caring more about his friends feelings that your H cares about his sons?? Really?
I understand that your sons trusted you enough to share their feelings. If the two of you talk with the boys they will be hurt, but it may lessen the confusion. Think of yourself and whether you would prefer to deal with facts or vagaries.
I will also tell you that relationships are forged in the fire of the bad days.
thank you thank you for your words of support and wisdom. I cling to them, believe me. I definitely don't want to tell the boys on my own. I don't want it to seem like an ultimatum to my H, but I must draw the line. He doesn't move out by Saturday then we tell them Sunday. (after consulting with therapists with the best way to do so). And if he DOES go...I will keep my mouth shut (I will no longer be lying if he's someplace else) and H must not go to OW house. H can see her all he wants at his place. S can not have contact with OW for a very long time (H agrees to this). There is no contact with OW S8...and I can control this as he does not go to their school anymore. They will eventually know, but perhaps delaying it will help. Perhaps not.
True about the anxiety from the lack of knowing where Daddy is. A LOT of anxiety. Both boys sleep with me most nights and S8 locks us in the room. He is very frightened. I reassure them that I can take care of them and they can go to their rooms safely, but right now I accept they need this. I will not reject them or push them away in their time of need.
The fact that H is expecting OW S to keep a secret is disgusting to me. That poor kid. He doesn't deserve this. I worry about him, too.
H is at the psychoanalyst as I type. I wonder if he will last 5 minutes there. Will be interesting, I went last week and it was intense. To his credit he continues to at least search for a way to make this better. He can't do it on his own, but he is willing to seek professional help. There is hope yet.
Thank you suckerpunch. You get the 2x4 and I'll tell you were to find him He is a lost soul, I feel horrible for him (I AM CRAZY!) but I do...I feel so bad for everything he has lost and will continue to lose. for what? A woman who claimed to be MY FRIEND! She is definitely the type who plotted and schemed to get him. He is at fault for SURE. But she preyed upon him when he was vulnerable and remember he has no friends. She is flirty with all men, but he is the only one who fell for this compassion. She very likely has a personality disorder which makes things all the more complicated.
It helps to have some control. some kind of "plan". I can't live like this pulling all the curtains closed and scurrying the boys in and out of the house. Why should WE be living like fugitives too?
I can't live like this pulling all the curtains closed and scurrying the boys in and out of the house. Why should WE be living like fugitives too?
You shouldn't have to. Don't you think this different behavior on your part is telling the boys something? Kids are so much smarter than we usually give them credit for.
Because you are altering your behavior (closed curtains and kids scurrying)I would seriously consider giving your H a timeline to sit and talk with the boys together and not an extended one. You should not have to live like a captive because of his behavior.
I know you are trying to protect your boys. What message do you think you are sending them though?
He is a lost soul, I feel horrible for him (I AM CRAZY!) but I do...I feel so bad for everything he has lost and will continue to lose. for what? A woman who claimed to be MY FRIEND! She is definitely the type who plotted and schemed to get him. He is at fault for SURE. But she preyed upon him when he was vulnerable and remember he has no friends. She is flirty with all men, but he is the only one who fell for this compassion. She very likely has a personality disorder which makes things all the more complicated.