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That's why you must go out and GAL. As hard as it is, it's something you have to do to start reclaiming yourself. Start of small. Go out for a walk around the neighborhood one day, then go a little farther the next. Then do something you've always wanted to do but couldn't or didn't. Little at a time.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
The best healing is the one that starts slow and doesn't use a quick fix band-aid.


Thank you, I don't think I have been really trying. I've been trying the quick fix method and it hurts more than the actual situation. I went to counseling yesterday and figured out something major. I can't fix what's broken I can only work on me. It's time to let go.


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Sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it is. Good that you realized you can only work on you. No matter how sad you are, or how angry you are, your H's behavior won't change. But if you change your own behavior, you might actually trigger a change in him.
((((((((((())))))))))))

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Originally Posted By: tori2012
Sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it is.


Yes and the back and forth is killer. One min, I feel like I can do this and the next I don't. It's frustrating

Originally Posted By: tori2012

Good that you realized you can only work on you. No matter how sad you are, or how angry you are, your H's behavior won't change.


Yes, I think what hurts the most is the false hope that I got from our meeting/date. We even got intimate which makes things worse for me emotionally. I've placed so much value on him and our marriage that I now feel like a failure. I don't mean to have these pitty parties but they happen and I'm ashamed of them all of the way. I keep going back and forth of how this is a good and how I have a life ahead of me, to feeling worthless and dumped. I look at the life that we built together and it's all gone. I am the one that has to start over and that [censored] or it feels like at least.

Originally Posted By: tori2012

But if you change your own behavior, you might actually trigger a change in him.
((((((((((())))))))))))


I guess I'm not sure where to start. I've gone dark, come back, gone dark, and come back. I'm really confused about the process. I keep thinking out of sight out of mind, at least that's what a mutual friend suggested. That as long as I distance myself it will get easier for him to let it go. His (the friend's)advise is so different from what's here... I think at the end of the day I don't want to be a loser and it is obvious that I have lost a lot.

I started reading your post and my H is at the same place. You were a good wife, I want a fresh start, etc. We have no kids which makes everything seem "easier" in his eyes, but it's not at least not for me. Your story of how you have gotten through is so inspiring. I want to be strong enough to move through this and move on. I don't see it. How did you get there?


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HB5, my journey has been a long one--3 YEARS. And I still feel very sad and worthless once in a while. Some pointers for you:
1. when I say, change your behavior, I don't mean going dark, etc, but changing what you think drove him away. I'm sure you have a good idea of what it is. If not, think about it.
2. Your feelings will change daily (sometimes by the hour.) This is normal. Just allow the feeling and meditate, pray, call someone, or watch a movie till the feeling passes.
3. You're allowed to have a pity party. What you're going through is HARD. But the key is to throw the party and then pick yourself back up, and get back to your path of positivism and love (for you and for your H.)
4. Have you really decided you want to move on? It doesn't seem like it. I think you want to save your M. It's ok to work on yourself and have a happy life while working to save your M. If this is what you mean by moving on, then it's a good thing.
5. I also misinterpreted my H's affection/time he spent w me. he basically sought me for comfort and dropped me when he didn't need me anymore. I had a feeling he was going to go through the D, but I still gave it my all, bc I wanted to feel I did everything I could.
6. Do you pray? Pray for him tonight. Send him love. When you see him, treat him lovingly and convey you ACCEPT where he's at. Don't try to fight the sitch or his feelings.

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Hi,

I haven't posted in quite some time. My divorce was finalized and I have healed for the most part. Got a life and moving forward.. Our divorce didn't end well and all ties were severed unless there was a question or two via email. I managed to move forward by changing my name back to my maiden and started dating (which was/is bumpy). I was reconnected with a high school sweetheart, our friendship is long distance but I enjoy our talks and visits... yet I find myself drifting off thinking about my ex.. it's been about a year now.

A couple of weeks ago his father reached out and asked me out to dinner. Where we talked he talked mostly about the ex and I listened and then he asked if I was planning on getting married soon... I thought it was odd, but blew it off. He said that he and the ex's mom are praying for a reconciliation still, I thought how odd, we're divorced how can we be reconciled. Anyhoo, fast forwarding to last week.. out of nowhere, I receive a text from the ex!! He asked to meet for lunch. I agreed but was clueless about what it was about. The lunch went well, we laughed and talked like nothing ever happened. He told me that he wasn't seeing anyone and it came as such a surprised I just changed the subject. He asked if he could take me out again and I said we'll see. I was so surprised about all of this, but realized how excited I became int he days after. How I began thinking about him more and more. We text a bit yesterday about our rival football teams.. for a good laugh but that's it. I realized that I still love him and would love to see him, but I don't know what the rules are at this point. Can someone help/guide when dealing with your ex after divorce. Everyone says that he wants me back now but I just don't see how that could be since he filed for divorce and didn't want to try and work it out (counseling, etc.)


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HB, those are VERY good signs. The number one rule in DB'ing is to give the WAS time and space. The LBS hardly ever does that until they well and truly think it's over though. Yours is a classic example, you got D'd and you assumed he was 100% done and so you went about your life and you truly left him alone. In that alone time he finally did the soul-searching he needed and he has probably realized that YOU were not the source of his unhappiness, and that getting rid of you was not the answer. If you're hearing that he wants to R, then it's probably because that's what HE is telling people. And it's probably genuine.

You ask what the rules are at this point. Well, first, do not have any expectations!! Let him drive the pace. Don't look at this as getting your old M back, look at it like you're dating someone new. You know how when you start dating someone you're a little mysterious? You're independent, have your own life, and you keep them guessing as to whether you're interested or not? THAT is how you need to be now too. Sure you have a history together, but in many ways it IS starting over again. And just like when you were dating, HE needs to earn YOUR respect and admiration. Make him work for it.

Second, remember your DB'ing! Much of DB'ing is for life. Remember to keep your GAL activities, even if you reconcile and remarry you still need to keep your own identity to keep the M healthy. Being a little codependent in marriage is normal, but being too codependent is harmful to the M.

Third, decide what your boundaries are going to be. Don't spring them on him right away, but if you start getting serious again then you'll want to let him know what they are. An example might be drinking, you mentioned in your OP that he would call and engage in drunken, angry rants. Does he have a drinking problem? A boundary might be that he needs to seek help for that if you're going to be in an R again. Another might be that if he's going to date you again, then he can't be seeing anyone else. Those are just examples, your own boundaries might be completely different.

Fourth, take it slooooooow. Don't jump right back into anything! If he pushes too hard too fast, don't be afraid to tell him you need to ease into it.

Read through threads in the Piecing forum for other tips.

Good luck and keep us posted smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thank you for the reply AnotherStander!!! That is great information. I do feel myself getting a little anxious, wondering if I turned him off in some way. Although I thought that it was 100% over and moved on, I still wish that we could be.. i'll head over to the other forum to get some tips as well. Thx again!


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I love these stories :-)

AS said it all so no further advice from here.

All the best!

F


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T: 8y - not M
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What it the hocky sticks is going on? I gave up on this man, I gave up on us. I cried every day for what seemed like eternity with not an ounce of hope left to invest in what I believed we had. Now here we are, texting back and forth like teenagers...I stop and think about the reply before I send it. I sit at the edge of my seat thinking what's next... Maybe our convo's aren't like teenagers so much, nope, they are much more guarded... on both sides. As much as I'd like to let down my guard and tell him to just say what he has to say, I enjoy seeing his guarded words cross my phone screen. I can't help but to ask myself is this real? Does he want something? All I have left is my heart and I can't just give it out like that. I'd like to really undersand what's happening. I want to believe that my prayers are being answered but do people really divorce (I mean go through it all - legally) and get back together? My ex has a lot of pride I just can't bring myself to believe that reconciliation is an option. I don't get it, what makes a man totally give up and come back? My girlfriends say keep moving forward, don't look back - his loss... but I would like to work it out..


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You can have both, keep moving forward and work it out.

I can imagine how surprising his change of heart must be but take it at face value. Enjoy what you have right now and see what unfolds.

My H and I were apart 2+ years and reconciliation started with a lot of texting.

Go slowly, see what he has to offer, see if he's right for you. wink


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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