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I am so sorry for your current situation.

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I know his relationship with the boys is HIS responsibility, but I so desperately want them to have a great relationship. Beginning to realize it is not my job to orchestrate their relationship and they will probably end up being disillusioned.


You're right, it isn't your job to fix their relationship. Your job is to not damage it. In my case I was a facilitator to the R between my D's and their Dad. I didn't want to be in that role, but like you, I want them to have a great R.

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I hope I can find someone who will not mince words and tell him exactly what the repercussions for our boys will be if they discover he is lying, had an affair, and moved in across the street.


Why are you the one finding someone? If he is willing to get counseling, even if it's to deal with leaving, I would think he would be an active participant in finding.

There is a wide range of opinions about the damage or lack thereof that this causes kids. There are some good longitudinal studies that have been published. Again, what you find depends on what you're looking for.

Hang in there.

HUGS

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Labug, you are so right. I have been careful with my words so as to not offend him. I don't intend to do this for much longer. I do not want him getting mad because if he does he might change his mind about the divorce settlement. I am worried my boys and I will lose our home if decides to be less generous than he says he will be. Then again, I don't trust him...

I do have that book, got it a day before he left, so haven't read it yet...

thank you...it means a LOT.

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Thank you Grace.

The reason why I am making the appointment (H offered) is that I wanted to choose someone that would be GOOD. He would just pick the first person he found on the internet and call it done. There is too much at stake for that kind of thing. My friend is a psychotherapist and has a network of professionals to pull from. She found me a great guy--expensive--we will see how that works out--who will hopefully get him the help he needs/we need. H said yes he would make appt for him and then another one for us to talk about coparenting.

I told the therapist that I had found the session thought-provoking...but that my H wouldn't last 5 minutes in this intensely emotional environment. T said well I would have a different approach for him. You are strong, so I talk to you this way. I wouldn't talk to him this way. I didn't know my strength showed. Was glad to have it recognized. He also said--where is your anger? GOOD question. I am mostly sad. Not angry. Numb still...but beginning to take it all in. Horrific. Boys said they feel "fine" like daddy is at work. He was so absent in their lives I guess the impact isn't as big as I thought it might be. Still crying and angry...but maybe they will be better than I thought.

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It took me quite awhile to be angry and esp angry for me. It was easier for me to be angry for my D's.

I hope your boys have an easier time of it than anyone thinks they will.

Having said that, I can tell you that still waters run deep. I have one D that still does not really talk about it and there is alot more than meets the eye with her.

Another D really acted out. I've heard it said that where there is anger/rage in a family, there is always a kid that will act it out. Can't speak for others (obviously), but this D is that one in my family. I use the present tense, but I can also say that she is sooo much better now than she was. Counseling was literally a life saver.

Nice that the C sees your strength. A good reminder for you in moments that you may not feel so strong that it is there.

HUGS

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thank you Grace, your words mean a lot to me. It makes me sad that the kids seem so "fine". I know the tears come quickly and dramatically...for "un-related" things--a bump on the toe, a mistake on the homework, the injustice of having to go to the supermarket with me now that there is no other adult in the house. Luckily no rage in the home, though I suppose I am the one who would have more of a temper, I wouldn't call it rage.

Feeling sad today and I got really mad after thinking of what the therapist said--how I have been doing more than my share for the whole marriage--and I have received nothing from him in return. Nothing at all. Mad that he has no common decency to at least not flaunt the affair in my face by living across the street. The neighbors will all be out shoveling snow tomorrow (tons of it)...and he will hopefully stay inside and not show his face. It is too soon for my boys to know that. He says he plans on moving out soon, apartment hunting. Let's hope so.

I will be talking to counselor Monday morning--she called today but S5 was able to hear the conversation on bluetooth in the car so I couldn't talk. There is a "Rainbows" program in town for children suffering from loss or changed family...we'll do that too.

If it weren't for ths kids I would be curled up in fetal position under the covers. I am not even joking. I gave those boys life, but now they are giving me a reason to live, giving me a life. What would I do without them and their potty talk to cheer me up?

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HI, Tig,
I agree that the kids are what keep me going every day too! I would love to stay in bed all day crying and avoiding life, but it's for them I get up every day and go through the routine of life and I search for the small moments of joy that they give me!

COmpletely understand what you are going through!


M- 18 T-21
S-14,11 & 10
BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA)
H moved out 11-3-2012
10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life.
11-25-13 Jointly filed.
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I have a 13 yr old that is like a hand grenade, ready to go off at any time.


M43, W37
D5, D11, D13
DB 12/11/2012
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Quote:
If it weren't for ths kids I would be curled up in fetal position under the covers. I am not even joking. I gave those boys life, but now they are giving me a reason to live, giving me a life.


I remember feeling this way too.

I have my D's 24/7. While this was really lucky for me, I've never been convinced it was best for their relationship with their Dad. Still, you can't second guess this kind of thing.
They are amazing young women and I am so proud of them.

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What would I do without them and their potty talk to cheer me up?


LOL

I hope you have a food weekend.

HUGS

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Thank you GTO it helps knowing I am not the only one...I am being MORE than Fair. He is here right now helping S8 with a school project. (my idea) I had to laugh earlier when the OW was cleaning off her car and shoveling out her driveway across the street while H was doing my driveway and car at the same time--took him 2 hours.

I want to rip his face off right now but here he is in my house with the boys. I am being MORE than fair, more than classy, acting with dignity and grace. This is what I call self-control. I am amazing.

Today we are off to couples counseling to learn how to "coparent". What the heck. Then we're going to psychotherapy on Thursday for the same thing to decide which we like better. At least he is dedicated to the kids (he says).

Yes...no matter what, I end up with the good life. My kids bring more joy to me, it would be impossible without them.

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