I want him to be happy

[25yearsmlc]

as for what to tell well meaning friends

I said "we're facing a tough marital challenge right now, thanks for asking". If they pry,

then you have to decide if and what to share. Do NOT bring up OPs unless you think your friend won't give you their 'Decree" of what to do.

Always say "FYI, I'm trying to save my m and I DID play a part in where we are so bashing him isn't helpful" and remember to vent HERE, not to others.

They'll recall the worst things you tell them and you WILL have to hear their feedback. It makes it harder to keep the road home, paved & smooth.

You're smart to do your best 180s while you still are around him. Give him good memories to live with when he's gone,

do not fuel his reasons for leaving. You want to undermine his reasons for going, not confirm them. Make sense? That might mean being Mother Teresa for a few weeks, but it's good training and it's worth it.

Good luck.

[stilllookingup]

Only discuss it with friends that have no connection to your H...DO NOT discuss it with mutual friends or family. When talking to mutual friends or family, just say things like "we're both taking this time to learn more about ourselves and what we want."

Hmm I've been talking to my best friend and best friend at work and my H know them but I wouldn't call them our "mutual" best friends so they don't have any contact, I'm good there.
I haven't asked any family member or his friends to "help" him change his mind. I just want them to be there for him because that's what he needs. Both my MIL and my H admit that they have issues with asking people for help or talking about problems. To this day I don't think my H called his parents to talk about his feelings about our M issue. He still has big scars from his parents divorcing when he was little, from his step dad's sudden death, from his grandpa's sudden death, feeling of abandonment from his dad and they were not addressed or healed because he hid them deep inside for a long time. I still believe they are not healed.

In my H's first email to me 3 months ago, he said he regretted that he couldn't communicate his hurt feelings with me (about our relationship) so we wouldn't be where we were.

I couldn't believe it. You regret...? But I'm still here. It was his way of dealing with big scars. It's too painful so let's just put a bandage on it and forget it.

When I told my meaningful friends about it, they all said the same thing. We all hurt, we all have scars from life that can't heal, but we deal with it and move on. I couldn't have agreed with them more BUT I didn't have the rough childhood my H had so if either one of us has to step up and show him we CAN heal big scars, it has to be me. I have to be patient until his scar from our M heals.

We watch the preview of the next season's Walking Dead

I LOVE that show! One of my guilty pleasures

Ours too! I cried like a little baby when Rick talked to xxx on the phone in prison.

[stilllookingup]

As for separation details - my few friends that I share what's going on seems to greatly care if we discussed this will be a temporary or permanent before D. I'm counting on what my H said about distance reinforcing with me his feelings and clinging to a hope for R in the future, but I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to ask him now "So honey, would I consider this as a trial separation or what?" To me, that's pressure. To me, it shouldn't matter if it's trial or not but the important thing here is to just let him free however it is without asking for a "title" of this separation... but what do you guys think?

AnotherStander, did your w and you discuss what would the meaning of your separation was gonna be before she left? I know in your early posts your W was completely DONE but she still changed her mind after she moved out.

[Tallula]

It's so weird how well we get along at home. It almost makes me feel that he's changed his mind about leaving - but no he's filling out an application for the apartment he went to see Sat.

We watch the preview of the next season's Walking Dead and realized it was coming back this weekend. I'm sure we both thought "Will we be here to watch it together?" The unit he's filling an application for is available now so he could move out this weekend.

I don't even know if I should stay home to watch him leave or be out of the house... If I'd do 180 on that, I would stay home and see him off with a smile. It would be hard as hexx but I might have to do that.

H has been gone since friday, last night was the first night I watched one of our shows without him. It felt good and bad all at the same time. He isn't here and he just ordered cable at his place, so I watched it. He got a 6 month cable deal. That also hurt. Ahh. I just keep telling myself that it won't hurt so bad eventually.

[stilllookingup]

as for what to tell well meaning friends
They'll recall the worst things you tell them and you WILL have to hear their feedback. It makes it harder to keep the road home, paved & smooth.

You're smart to do your best 180s while you still are around him. Give him good memories to live with when he's gone,

do not fuel his reasons for leaving. You want to undermine his reasons for going, not confirm them. Make sense? That might mean being Mother Teresa for a few weeks, but it's good training and it's worth it.

Good luck.

Woo Hoo! I finally got an advice from 25yearsmlc!
Not that I meant to resist bashing my H to my friends, but I really didn't have bad things to say about him to them since this thing started, so I'm good there. I just repeatedly told them I know what he went through in this M and while I was certainly not the only one to blame for our problems, I had a lot to do with it because I was a stone-headed. They don't say bad things about him either but they just see me hurt and still see me try to restore M, they are frustrated for sure. They just always go back to "I just want to shake him! He should know how much you are trying"

But I think he's trying. I really do. It's very slow but he is. I have always been like the bunny in the bunny and turtle race. I should be the turtle for once.

[stilllookingup]

He got a 6 month cable deal. That also hurt. Ahh. I just keep telling myself that it won't hurt so bad eventually.

It's better than a whole year deal!
I'm sure when I hear what kind of cable deals he get, I'd be crashed depending on the length. My mind is already wondering if the rate he was quoted for monthly basis rate, 6 months or 12 months!!!

[AnotherStander]

I haven't asked any family member or his friends to "help" him change his mind.

Be very careful, because they will take it upon themselves to try and "fix" things. Like I said before, I've read many stories about how some relative promised not to say a word only to turn around and tell every other relative and then the WAS.

I just want them to be there for him because that's what he needs.

Actually what he needs is time and space, not just from you but from relatives and mutual friends too. I specifically told my relatives not to talk to my W about our marriage, I told them by all means talk to her about anything else but not that. The WAS does not want ANY pressure, not from the LBS, not from friends and not from relatives. Basically they want everyone to act like nothing is going on, because they already feel shame over it and anyone saying something to them just makes them feel worse and they want to lash out. And inevitably the target is the LBS.

I didn't have the rough childhood my H had so if either one of us has to step up and show him we CAN heal big scars, it has to be me.

Just remember, you can't fix him. Like 25 said, all you can do is keep the way home paved and smooth.

Ours too! I cried like a little baby when Rick talked to xxx on the phone in prison.

Ha! Yeah, sad and creepy at the same time

AnotherStander, did your w and you discuss what would the meaning of your separation was gonna be before she left?

We were in MC at the time and the C suggested a trial S. At first W agreed to that, she had a friend in a HUGE house whose H had just left, so I suggested she stay with her a while. After a few days she said that she would feel like a "hobo" if she did that and that if we were going to do S then it needed to be permanent. So when she did leave it was with the full belief that it was for good.

[stilllookingup]

I haven't asked any family member or his friends to "help" him change his mind.

Be very careful, because they will take it upon themselves to try and "fix" things. Like I said before, I've read many stories about how some relative promised not to say a word only to turn around and tell every other relative and then the WAS. .

Thanks AS. I'll have to be extra careful. I'm fortunate enough that my in-laws love me so if the majority of his dad side family learns about what's going on with us the women of the family might say something pressuring to him. Thankfully though, because my H waited to tell him about his moving out until holidays were over no family member except his parents and mine (not here) had to know. We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas at grandparents’ house etc, and I know 100% sure they have no idea. I know because they kept asking about when we were having babies sigh..

I just want them to be there for him because that's what he needs. I didn't have the rough childhood my H had so if either one of us has to step up and show him we CAN heal big scars, it has to be me.

Actually what he needs is time and space, not just from you but from relatives and mutual friends too. I specifically told my relatives not to talk to my W about our marriage, I told them by all means talk to her about anything else but not that. The WAS does not want ANY pressure, not from the LBS, not from friends and not from relatives. Basically they want everyone to act like nothing is going on, because they already feel shame over it and anyone saying something to them just makes them feel worse and they want to lash out. And inevitably the target is the LBS.

Just remember, you can't fix him. Like 25 said, all you can do is keep the way home paved and smooth.

This is a very great advice, Thanks AS & 25. Apparently I have to often remind myself I can’t fix him even though my feelings and thoughts I pour out here shows that I still want to fix his problems. I didn’t and don’t understand why my H doesn’t reach out to his parents and talk about his feelings or vice versa, but I guess it’s a good thing then. I have a close relationship with my mom and she calls and texts me to check up on me and the status. Even though she tells me to be patient, she’s the most impatient person I’ve known and I know she wants things to go much quicker. When D bomb was dropped I took a trip back home and spent an entire week with her and man I was irritated the whole time! She just wants to do things now now now, and I realized big time this is EXACTLY what I had been doing to my H. I remember he would often mention how similar my mom and I were. All I was thinking last year was babies. I was rushed by my condition, my age, my Dr and my mom.

Now she knows that I’m taking this extra slowly but I know she’s frustrated. Just how I have to remind myself this will take time, I have to remind her every time I talk to her that it will take longer than she thinks and I’m ok with it. Thank god she’s in a different country. If she was here she might have been the one that ruins this all by rushing me and him!

[stilllookingup]

I’m thinking deeply today…

Few things I can say about me is that I’m very organized, I am very particular about what I like and I’ve always liked criticizing things and people. I don’t think they are particularly bad traits of mine but what if you posses completely opposite traits and have to live with me 24-7?

I often remember an incident that happened to me when I was in high school. My friends and I were talking about something and I must have suggested something. My friend then said “Just because you think that’s the best way, that’s not the only way” or something like that. I don’t remember how I reacted to that but it stayed in my head to this day obviously because I saw truth in it.

If I were to characterize my H, he would be very laid-back, patient and take people who they are. People thought and still think we are very harmonized because we are so different.. but I think we were harmonized because he tuned into my traits for many years.

DB-ing is definitely transforming me to become a better person, more harmonized with anger, frustration, sadness, things I don’t like… but man I still have a long way to go.

Just a reality check

[25yearsmlc]

I’m thinking deeply today…

Few things I can say about me is that I’m very organized, I am very particular about what I like and I’ve always liked criticizing things and people. I don’t think they are particularly bad traits of mine but what if you posses completely opposite traits and have to live with me 24-7?

I applaud your bravery in looking within. I really do.

My only two observations are that saying you "always liked criticizing things and people" - honey, it IS not a desirable trait.

It's called being "critical." Honestly, no one likes it. Do you like being around other people who constantly or "always" put others down?

As for being "very organized" and that being a good trait, it is if you like that!! AND OR don't expect others to meet your standards in THEIR lives...

IF you are an OCD person OR someone who criticizes those who are different --than no, it's not. Others might describe themselves as more spontaneous and easy going than you, so to THEM, being "very organized" can be seen as rigid, controlling, obessive compulsive, etc.

Striking balance is important. Allowing others to be themselves is important. But the extremes of either can be seen as negatives.


I often remember an incident that happened to me when I was in high school. My friends and I were talking about something and I must have suggested something. My friend then said “Just because you think that’s the best way, that’s not the only way” or something like that. I don’t remember how I reacted to that but it stayed in my head to this day obviously because I saw truth in it.


that's good insight about an incident to ponder...

If I were to characterize my H, he would be very laid-back, patient and take people who they are. People thought and still think we are very harmonized because we are so different.. but I think we were harmonized because he tuned into my traits for many years.

you mean b/c he tuned OUT? I don't get your wording. You mean he didn't want to fight it out with you b/c he was conflict avoidant with you, or he didn't feel he'd get anywhere or what?

If there was no compromise & it was all done your way, then, isn't it easier to see what really happened? What do you think?

DB-ing is definitely transforming me to become a better person, more harmonized with anger, frustration, sadness, things I don’t like… but man I still have a long way to go.

Just a reality check

Join the club of the flawed humans here!

Those who dig deepest may at first find some unpleasant surprises, but we grow the fastest and the most too...

if we stay with it. If we don't cut & run and begin the "blame game" b/c we're too ashamed by what we find, to face it.

Stay brave and you'll find that down deep, under whatever baggage you have (and we all have some --- til we deal with it)

can be handled.