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OMG, I am so, so sorry!

Ugh, the woman across the street. How horrible for you. A friend. Big hugs! I have no idea what to say about the D.


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
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I know. My friend. Across the street. Today S8 said--where is Daddy anyway? And no matter what my answer, it was a lie. I had to tell him probably at a friend's house. Very hard. They told me that at least I didn't leave. That would be worse. I now ask myself why on earth would I want this man...except for the fact that he is the father of my children, and I believe the person who should be my husband. What is wrong with me? This is such a difficult situation for us in our small close-knit community. Wow. what humiliation for all of us.

I know I have no control, but seriously ANYONE but HER. ANYONE ANYONE ANYONE but her. Please. At this point, that is my only wish. I don't think things could get any worse at this point...

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"My H is in an EA. He moved out 3 months ago & left behind not only me but our 3 sons-ages 13, 11 & 9. WAS's are oblivious to the destruction they have caused by their decisions."


SO TRUE!!!!


M43, W37
D5, D11, D13
DB 12/11/2012
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Your neighbor has no class. What is wrong with people?


M43, W37
D5, D11, D13
DB 12/11/2012
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thank you. yes, no class. such betrayal. and again--he is RIGHT across the street. talk about being too close for comfort. I hope the boys don't see him.

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Oh this is so hard. A week ago today we were all together, hanging out, another busy day winding down. Little did we know that it was our last day together. Wow. My husband left abruptly last Thursday after confessing an affair. On Monday he said it was our friend and across-the-street neighbor. He has been staying there ever since Sunday night, at the request of the OW. He has another place to stay for free (my mom's empty home)but he chooses to stay there.

My S8 has been asking repeatedly where daddy is staying. He obviously does not know about the affair, but my psychologist friend said that it would serve no purpose of them knowing, and it would prove potentially harmful. The idea of introducing a new woman into their lives so soon could be devastating especially if they perceived this as an attempt to replace their mother. The boys should be treated for their trauma with sensitivity and great care.

I have decided to take the high road. I told H that I wanted to adjust some of my boundaries to allow him greater access to the boys during these early days. I said we would see how it goes, because they can be very reluctant to spend time with him, say goodnight--they are very upset...and hurt...understandably. S5 says it hurts to smile anymore and S8 is opening up more about his feelings of despair--and asking where Daddy is.

I told H that I didn't like being put in the position to lie to the boys. That it could be very hurtful to know that daddy moved into their friend's home wouldn't want them to wonder--why did Daddy leave to live with another little boy? Today we saw H and S8 asked 4 times where he was staying. He lied or ignored the question each time.

I had a word with him. He agreed with everything I said, and said that he would seriously consider my request to move. I am not happy with the very real possibility that the boys see him or his car. Our houses literally face each other.

I told him that I was establishing a positive coparenting relationship with him despite having been through a LOT recently--the affair, the lies, and my total lack of trust and respect in him as a person....and now he chooses the OW over the emotional health of his children. I have even less respect for him and the "loving father" he claims to be.

This is SO HARD. I know that I should detach and stop trying to control/protect him...but when the casualty are my SONS, I do hesitate. They are dealing with enough now, and despite everything, I want their relationship with their father not to suffer any further.

I am so upset.

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TigWinkle i am so sorry you find yourself in this position. As a father myself, I cannot fathom how a father can act in a hurtful way or in a way that is against his kids best interests.

However, I have been on this forum long enough to understand that your husband most likely doesn't really understand what he is doing to them. WAS mostly think the kids are "resilient" and will "learn to live with the new setup". Of course we know that is not the case. Kids always suffer when parents separate, especially when there are lies and deceit involved.

People on the forum have reported many times that when their spouse comes around from the selfish episode they are having, they themselves cannot believe what they did and the damage it has caused. I'm dealing with a wife who is a walk away and we have a 3 year old daughter. The wife doesn't see how this will affect daughter at all. Although when the W is gone, my daughter spends most of the time saying Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. When a car drives past our house, she points and says Mommy? It is so sad.

Hand in there though. You are in a good place for good advice. Many people around here have been through these situations before. If you want to try to reconcile your marriage, and you are willing to stick through the hard times, there is no better place for advise than right here.

Hang in there! Keep posting and the veterans will be here to offer their input.


Me, H-34 now 38
W-32 now 35
T-13 now 18 years
M-6 now 9
Daughter 3 years now 7
Bomb 11/27/12 - OM
1 year in house separation
Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
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thank you. I feel horrible for your 3-year-old. These feelings of abandonment can end up haunting a child for life. I only feel slightly better when my boys say--it could be worse--Daddy could be dead and then we would never see him--or at least it was Daddy who left not Mommy.

I hope my sons never grow up to be with him.

I think I am so used to running the show and overfunctioning in the relationship that he is used to doing very little of the emotional work/child raising. His self esteem is very low (though he would beg to differ). I know his relationship with the boys is HIS responsibility, but I so desperately want them to have a great relationship. Beginning to realize it is not my job to orchestrate their relationship and they will probably end up being disillusioned.

H does not listen to me and my "brainwashing psychobabble". He says he will listen to a trained professional's opinion. I hope I can find someone who will not mince words and tell him exactly what the repercussions for our boys will be if they discover he is lying, had an affair, and moved in across the street.

He is reall off-kilter--she gifted him a massage and insists he stays because of the creature comforts--internet mainly. He can't go without internet/computer games. It sickens me that he chooses life's little luxuries over his children's emotional and psychological well-being.

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I really can't imagine how hard this is for you. I'm sorry that you and especially your boys are going through this.

Just wanted to support you in that you can't control the R of your sons and H. You can support it but you can't control it because you don't know what that is meant to be. You know what you would like it to be but that may not be what your h wants or is capable of. Let him work it out. As you said, you've done most of the emotional work in your M (I have that same line written somewhere in my threads)now it is time to turn the responsibility for his life over to him.

And have no expectations about what the father-son R will be.

Keep the focus on you.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: TigWinkle
I definitely am not making anything sound like an ultimatum at all. In fact this is the type of thing I would say

"H, I am struggling with trying to say this in a way that you understand that I am coming from a point of concern for the children, and not trying to influence your decision to serve my own needs. Please believe I am sincere when I am saying that this situation (fill in the blank) makes it difficult for the boys because of (fill in the blank). It might be easier if you find a better way to go about doing this and here are some examples of what might go wrong, which I hope to avoid. Are there any considerations you might want to talk about before you think about a decision? Okay, then I hope to hear from you later to hear your thoughts."


I used to write emails like this too. Never really saying what I needed and expecting a result. I learned here and from my IC and some other resources to ask for what is needed.

H, when you are unable to visit the boys, they tell me they're sad; they want to have a R with you. Would you be willing to give set times when you can visit and if you can't make it call and let us know.

Have you read How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It? It really opened my eyes to dynamics that had been hurting my M for years. Since your H sounds very like mine, and you and I probably have similar characteristics, you might appreciate it.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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