25 I would like to personally thank you for taking time out to help so many people out on this forum. I want to let you know that even though I don't post in my thread much anymore that you have been a TREMENDOUS help.
I read many of your posts and I must say that I have learned a lot from you and you are helping me grow into a better person and I'm sure a lot of others can say the same.
I understand that you are going to be in my area soon? Again thank you for all that you do and if anyone else wants to chime in please feel free to do so.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
WOW guys, thank you. That's very kind of you to say.
Lately I realize there are 2 main approaches I take here. Not all are equally valued...
One is for the brand new person who is here, reeling. They are filled with terror and pain, & often they are paralyzed and desparate. I saw my younger sister that way. She pretty much "lost it" for a long time. And even here, we've had a few suicides...so yes, it's a gut wrenching experience.
I worry that they will blow it in their situations, but even more so, I worry they won't "make it" in life. First things first. It's like triage.
So for them, it's time to just help them get through the day, take care of their kids, and know that IN TIME, they'll be better. IT's true. If you want to call it "coddling", so be it. At times, we need that.
But for others, the not so new, I take a more direct approach and it CAN be too much for people who want to wallow some more. Don't get me wrong, I wallowed too.
When I look back on things, I realize how very much I wallowed. And where I went wrong, is mostly apparent to me now.
Frankly, what happened was "not fair" & it was "not right," and it deeply offended my sense of what life and the world are "supposed" to be like. I had worked hard in school, at my work, did most of the child raising, home care, put h through med school, etc. So when HE got antsy, it floored me with the "injustice" of it all.
But what TO DO about that? How much analysis of THEM is helpful?
Back then, I spent way too much time NOT adapting to what was, and asking "WHY????" countless times. OMG, how I regret that.
That's why I spend time with people who seem stuck on blaming the WAS or acting as if they're "nuts in crazyland", and or, asking "WHY it is happening?" all the time...and time spent wondering which label to attach to their spouse...another great time waster. I spent a TON of time reading about MLCs...
but the reality was my h, at that time, believed his happiness lay 3000 miles away from us. Who really cares why? Who cares if it was an MLC or the culmination of a pattern of increasingly selfish behavior OR a fluke event OR an actual belief that "we" could live more happily on the tundra OR his obession with money or whatever....who cares? He wanted to leave and live in a place I hated and I was not his priority and neither was time with our children...then...
I don't know that I "caused" that, but I definitely did not help things when he began to want to leave. And I didn't handle his other life concerns well enough either, b/c frankly, I thought they were "selfish". So did the first 3 mc's we saw. At the time the mc's told us that my h was "acting single" and or being "Selfish", I felt vindicated.
Only later did I realize that although it meant I was "right"...there was nothing to DO with that lovely word that used to mean so much. I mean, so what if I'm "right", if he's still going?
So yeah, GAL is huge. We hammer it for a reason, as in, it works.
A spiritual route is crucial & I'm lucky to find comfort in my faith, and having a PLAN for your future without your spouse, but w/you being happy, is mandatory. Not b/c I think it's over for people here...but
I happen to think those things ^^^ are the path one should take, NO MATTER WHAT THE WAS IS DOING... I think the WAS is far more likely to return IF you GAL, become less predictable, do the 180s for long enough, lose the anger/scorecard, keep the road home paved & smooth, are happy w/yourself and upbeat about your future, and learn how to forgive (which is not necessarily something you need to even tell your WAS...)
b/c forgiveness really is for you, and it really does set YOU free.
My anger, my belief that forgiving my h would somehow increase the chance of being hurt again,(like it would "teach" him to mistreat me") or that my h did not 'deserve' forgiveness,
all reflected on my poor understanding of what forgiveness is.
And that problem w/not forgiving, my anger, consumed ME. MY LIFE was hurt by my not forgiving, (not h's).
I was STUCK in my anger and only by letting go of it, could I be happy again.
AND
If your WAS never comes home, your recovery from that blow, and your healing, and your new, better life, will come much faster by doing the above.
So my 2nd approach now, (not w/the truly "NEW newbies) but the latter, more direct approach, is for everyone to look in the mirror and do THEIR work...
it's faster, frankly. When I came to believe that I'd be happy with or without my h, ( & that it would more likely be without), it radiates from within.
And that gets the WAS attention often. But it IS a paradox, b/c you can only do this if you really believe you're fine on your own and you mean it. THEN they wake up. For me, that wasn't an immediate "Oh good" response. I had come to see the upside of a new way of living, b/c I made the best of it. I had to.
I refuse to be unhappy in my life. I've never believed we're here to suffer and just get through it. Pain is part of life, and I do get that. But our goal should always be making the best of what we do have and to remember how many blessings we do have AND that happiness is our responsibility, our "job", not someone else's and we cannot blame others for our sadness, ultimately. (Meaning, at some point in life, regardless of past childhood or past marital problems, we are living the life we create.)
I appreciate your comments folks. I really really do. And I've met some of you in person and it's always a good experience. Very cool.
THANK YOU for your words! It means a lot to me.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I remember when you told me (way back when) that the reason H hadn't returned was cuz he was a-I hadn't changed and he believed that our relationship would be the same or b-he was worried that he wasn't ready to be in the relationship (fear of failure).
Well I realized that it was B! And I took your advice and worked on MYSELF because I couldn't make him feel more secure about my changes than I was already doing. And that's when I started working harder on detaching.
It took me more than the time I expected but I finally got the point where I was happy and if he decided to live his life with someone else, I would STILL be happy!
My life is not contingent on HIM! It's all ME!! I make myself happy!
Thank you 25!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
25 - I also wanted to say thanks for posting and being so knowledgeable. I read every post of yours I see and it always makes me think about something I'm doing (or not doing). Your own 'thanks guys' thread above has so many nuggets of great info in it I've added it to my watched list so I can reread it later.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I think the WAS is far more likely to return IF you GAL, become less predictable, do the 180s for long enough, lose the anger/scorecard, keep the road home paved & smooth, are happy w/yourself and upbeat about your future, and learn how to forgive (which is not necessarily something you need to even tell your WAS...)
This is pretty much what DB is in a nutshell. Some are hard to do for many of us (lose the scorecard, forgive, etc...) and some are confusing (keeping the road paved) but when all combined it does give the best chance for our M's to be saved.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
25, let me add my kudos to the list, you have a remarkable ability to cut to the core of the issues and you do it in a way that is specific to each person you write to. You don't just repeat the same info over and over again, you give precise input/ feedback that suits each person's unique situation. It annoys me when people gloss over your posts or don't reply at all, maybe they do it because they feel stung by the comments, I'm not sure. But you offer valuable insight and I'm glad that you don't let those individuals deter you from your continuing mission to help others
Wow... 25, what a great, great post above and such a shining example of why this thread is here. You are such a beacon of hope to ALL of us, not just those who end up reconciling.. because your words are about living and learning to love the life that each of us has been given, no matter what happens with our S.
Your enthusiasm for living is contagious. Thank you.
I have been thinking and dreaming all weekend about skydiving... and adventures.. and trips.. and living my life. Thank you.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
