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AnotherStander you always say such thought-provoking things. Thank you.

I do not take his actions personally in that I don't think he MEANS to harm me. I think he lies/cheats to fill a hole in himself that has NOTHING to do with me. He is not a vindictive person, but he is deeply conflicted. I feel pity for him, and a lot of compassion

YET on the other side, he has PROMISED (in therapy on Saturday and in a conversation on Sunday) that there will be no more lies, and there are no more bombs to drop. That very same day when he said he was going to my mom's, he lied. So that is his decision but I am disillustioned and hurt about the broken promise.

My main focus is how to help my kids. And his interference and poor parenting/communication skills doesn't help me at all. I need to shut out his lies from my world and focus on the kids and me.

I can forgive him. I think that is what I mean about I don't take this personally. I feel emotions of betrayal and exasperation but I am not flipping out and debilitated by emotions. I am tired of forgiving him for the same thing over and over again.

I pray my kids don't end up like him.

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thank you smile

when I ask him about his lies, he answers the same way.
"that is not a question that I am prepared to answer". The conversation is very boring because I ask different questions and he responds exactly the same way to every question.

The therapist said that is putting up boundaries. He says this way he isn't lying, he's just not telling me the truth. Hmmmm. seems sort of similar to me.


What I don't understand is WHY LIE? He has filed for divorce, he has left the house--why on earth does he have to lie anymore? He's gone! what can I do to him anymore? He is FREE!

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Tallula. That's a deal on the punches. I can't help but feel sorry for them, all broken down and helpless. ugh. It is hard for me to not want to help--because helping my H will in turn help my sons' R with H. But I am only capable of being in charge of MY R with our Sons...and H is in charge of HIS R with our sons. I need to learn to let him make his mistakes even if it hurts our sons. that [censored].

I have set some boundaries.

1. he gave me the keys to the house
2. he doesn't show up without invitation or prior arrangement
3. he is a guest here
4. the boys will see him regularly, if they want me there, I will be there, if not that is okay too. It has been only a matter of days now. Still so raw. In time I am sure this will change.
5. I will no longer contact him unless it is of a business nature (mail, the boys schedule, etc.) and even then I will try to avoid that.
6. I will not share the struggles of the boys nor give him tips on how to handle their emotions. He will need to figure that out on his own.

silver lining. I have lost almost 10 pounds in the past week. I feel like most of it probably was me losing my mind.

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TIg,
I think you've established some clear boundaries for yourself.

One suggestion about your boys & not sharing their struggles w your H. I think you should share these w him. NOt to throw their struggles in his face but b/c he should be aware and he might in turn share more w you regarding them when they are w him.

I agree he should figure out how to handle them on his own.

Less contact will help you detach, I believe.

Try not to lose any more weight--your boys need you to first take care of you to take care of them. (I learned this the hard way as I lost a quick 17 lbs & was already in my weight range when I started).

Take care!


M- 18 T-21
S-14,11 & 10
BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA)
H moved out 11-3-2012
10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life.
11-25-13 Jointly filed.
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Ah I have a little weight to lose, so no worries. It is very unusual for me not to enjoy food. I can't eat and when I do it tastes horrible.

I have up until now been sharing their struggles. But he doesn't ask or seem concerned about them. It's only been 4 days. They haven't left me on their own with him yet. To be honest he would have very little to say about the boys. He communicates on a very basic level. The boys were "fine" kind of thing.

Today was a not horrible day, really. Sad and empty but I get a better life. We are in our home, I have the boys, and I have a clear head. Sad and struggling, but I have support and a vision for myself. He is a mess.

Today I was cheerful when he called to talk to the boys. I asked about a bill that had arrived. I wasn't angry and I think that surprised him (about last night's lies). I asked him if he had given any more thought to staying at my mom's since that is where I told the boys where he was. In reality he is across the street and I pray that the boys do not figure this out. That he is with another little boy (their friend) and not them.

I will take your advice and write to him a little about the boys today. As a gesture of good will. Even though all of the news is sad.

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Originally Posted By: TigWinkle
Tallula. That's a deal on the punches. I can't help but feel sorry for them, all broken down and helpless. ugh. It is hard for me to not want to help--because helping my H will in turn help my sons' R with H. But I am only capable of being in charge of MY R with our Sons...and H is in charge of HIS R with our sons. I need to learn to let him make his mistakes even if it hurts our sons. that [censored].

I have set some boundaries.

1. he gave me the keys to the house
2. he doesn't show up without invitation or prior arrangement
3. he is a guest here
4. the boys will see him regularly, if they want me there, I will be there, if not that is okay too. It has been only a matter of days now. Still so raw. In time I am sure this will change.
5. I will no longer contact him unless it is of a business nature (mail, the boys schedule, etc.) and even then I will try to avoid that.
6. I will not share the struggles of the boys nor give him tips on how to handle their emotions. He will need to figure that out on his own.

silver lining. I have lost almost 10 pounds in the past week. I feel like most of it probably was me losing my mind.


It's pretty pitiful. Great boundaries! As much as it [censored] that my kids are so little, it is nice that they really don't get what is going on.

I agree with the others about sharing your kids struggles, it's what is going on. It's the truth.

You are doing great. Hang in there.


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
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I had an extended chat online with H about the boys. I said he did not ask about them and I would be glad to share how they are doing if he was interested. I shared what the counselor had said, and a few insights, all pretty sad. He was silent (no response) for long periods in between so I said that I didn't think I could do this without reciprocation. He needed to participate in the conversation or I would feel uncomfortable continuing, so I said good night.

That is my new boundary. I made it clear that I was willing to share with him. I made it clear that he had to actively participate/ask questions. I will no longer come forward to "help" him with his conversation skills. He is so ineffective it is like I am enabling him by taking the lead all the time while he sits passively. I don't like that feeling. I will give him whatever information he asks for, but I will not be as forthcoming as I was tonight. I resent that I ran around all day seeing and contacting therapists and groups for my sons and he just wants to know if he should show up to the sessions or what he should do. I told him he should find his own counselor to help him with his conversation skills. Why on earth do I still have to do all of the work and he piggybacks along on it. He should take charge. I am cleaning up his mess.

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You're swinging a pretty heavy hammer and that's OK but it may not get you the response you need.

People who avoid conflict, avoid conflict, so you may need to find a different way of expressing your needs and the needs of your sons. You didn't say how you stated these things but it sounds like ultimatums, which are dead ends.

I have been very frustrated with these types of things and my H. Remember minus the affair, he's much like your H. Now when I really need something from him, I say it very clearly without blame or shame, just what I need.

Don't expect him to suddenly be someone he's not but clearly asking for what you need in as few words as possible without judgment may make your life easier.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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I definitely am not making anything sound like an ultimatum at all. In fact this is the type of thing I would say

"H, I am struggling with trying to say this in a way that you understand that I am coming from a point of concern for the children, and not trying to influence your decision to serve my own needs. Please believe I am sincere when I am saying that this situation (fill in the blank) makes it difficult for the boys because of (fill in the blank). It might be easier if you find a better way to go about doing this and here are some examples of what might go wrong, which I hope to avoid. Are there any considerations you might want to talk about before you think about a decision? Okay, then I hope to hear from you later to hear your thoughts."

gentle, friendly, and his response is calm, he says "you make some very good points, I will certainly take them into consideration and get back to you this afternoon".

as for the chat last night, after a 10 minute pause after I wrote something about the kids with no response from him....my exact words were something along the lines of...I am finding it difficult to communicate with you over chat on the internet because of the delays in your responses. Maybe next time this should be on the telephone. Good Night!

I am trying VERY hard to be friendly, calm, and talk only about the children and necessary topics.

I REALLY want him to come home, despite it all. I don't think it's a good idea, and I have told him that I don't want him to come home only to leave again...but I think I have emphasized how much it would help the boys if he were home. I haven't told him that I want him home. I miss him a lot. I don't know whether to say this to him or not. I don't want him to feel bad, but I haven't said it to him yet. Maybe he thinks I want him home only for the kids. Not true. But it is my main focus now.

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Well all the truth is out. The OW is our neighbor across the street, a "friend" of mine and her son and our sons are best friends. My H said they are in the "beginning stages of a relationship" which is why he has been staying there. I think it is incredibly inconsiderate to do this because the boys will see him across the street living with another little boy, not them.

Coincidentally (?) H's father did this too. He had an affair with the woman across the street and left H's mother for her, moving in across the street. History repeating itself?

For the record, she is not a very stable person. A hoarder, friendly, bubbly, but with very low self esteem. She has plenty of money. We have been friends for 5+ years. She recently divorced her alcoholic husband (within the last 6-8 weeks. About the same time of the affair with my H if what H is saying is true. I feel incredibly betrayed by her.

At the moment H is planning on giving me more than my legally fair share in the D. My attorney recommends that I accept that before he changes his mind.

I don't know what to say. At this point I have remained calm, no tears, no anger...told my sister...I hate all the drama and the surprise and shock that people express. Hate that. But I am in the middle of this horrific experience...

I don't think there is any hope. Here I am asking him to consider going to Retrouvaille and he is already on to the next woman.

What next? I know, get a life, detach, and keep moving forward.

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