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It might be good if the 2 of you didn't see or talk to each other for a while.

It sounds like you're both raw, one wanting to hurt the other. No good will come of that. Just take things slowly.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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I went back to read your early posts and this:
Any conflict or problem we might have, he usually just expresses no preference, agrees with me or if he does oppose, backs down easily and with a smile. He basically does anything to avoid conflict or distress. H is the kind of guy who never gets mad, almost always seems in a pleasant mood, such a "nice guy".
describes my H perfectly. As I read on it seems that you marriage was similar to mine in many ways.

So I would definitely say, let things cool off before you try to talk.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Posts: 9,676
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And a question, why did you tell your son last night instead of waiting for H to be there?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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We have to talk today to tell our 5-year-old. After that...no chance for a while...only business related things.

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I told my son last night because he was in tears and asking repeatedly--where is daddy why did he leave? Is he coming back? I said--wait a second, I am going to call Daddy and talk to him. I called and texted H and he did not respond. I want my son to trust me so I told him the truth. daddy was sad, he wants to sleep in a hotel. When he asked if he was coming back. I said " you will see him tomorrow" and then he started crying and said--is he going to live here? and I said he doesn't want to...I cannot lie to my son. So I told him. H came today to tell him and said I'm sorry. I have been a bad husband. I am sad in the house and I will be sad if I leave. My son said--If you are going to be sad anyway, why not stay here where you are safe and we love you? My husband was silent, which was very upsetting to my son. I chimed in with words of support and encouragement..I painted H in a positive light that he certainly did not deserve.

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I know I'd be easy for me to say but is his PA a deal breaker for you? What would you if... if he wanted to work on R with you. (Obviously not now but when and if he comes to senses later)


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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Yes I told H that I would be open to doing whatever it took to put our family back together ,. but I would not initiate the reconciliation of our marriage. He knows that I still love him, and that given time and certain circumstances (like his remorse and willingness to work on the relationship). I would be open to forgiveness and willing to do the work to restore.

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It absolutely breaks my heart to read your post about your kids. That [censored] beyond belief. That is the direction that I am heading also and it tears me up inside to have to tell them. My girls are 7 and 4. Why can't they see what they are doing to the kids? I agree that probably nothing good can come from any discussions when you are both so angry and hurt. I pray for you, your H and your kids. Good luck. frown


M 37 W 36
T22
M14
D8
D4
8/2012 distanced
BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.)
W move out date: June 8th.
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Stay your course, detach, GAL, let him figure his stuff out.

Keep posting.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 100
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Thank you for the support. I am overwhelmed and sad and angry and worried. I am trying very hard to detach. I am putting up my boundaries and H called me 'controlling'. the kids are doing pretty well most of the time...it helps that H didn't spend much time with them since he was on the computer ignoring them so frequently. Other times they are very emotional. Telling our 5yrold S did not go well. H said--I don't know what to say. 8yrold S said--do you want me to tell him Daddy? And H said--no I will do it. I am leaving. S5 said--okay daddy see you later. And then H said--no I am not going to live here anymore. S5 turned to me choking back tears and said--I love you Mommy...and I realized he thought I was leaving too. I said I am staying, I am not leaving you and your brother are staying with me here. He was holding back tears so I hugged him and said let it out. H said--I wish I could record this--you are making this so much worse than it is, why does this have to be so DARK. like minimizing what the kids and I were feeling. He accused me of making things overly dramatic as he watched the 3 of us crying.

Went to the counselor today to talk about the kids (we had the appt scheduled) Therapist said that he was impressed with how I was handling things with kids and individually. was nice to hear some positive affirmation. Said that H had a lot to work on. And that he had to accept all of our emotions, the Sh*t storm that he caused, and stop insulting me.

It is so complicated because of course he wants to see the kids and the kids do not yet want to be on their own with him. they understandably feel betrayed. So I am with him too and I hate it. But it's for the kids. We had dinner tonight and tomorrow we are taking the boys to a birthday party. Then he won't see them until Weds. I need the break.

We are going forward with the divorce. I have a lawyer. So does he. I do not want a divorce. But I have to go forward. I don't feel much hope for reconciliation, he is absolutely sure that he wants the divorce, and it is in my best interests to go through with it now. It's over.

I am not sure even what to do now. I understand detach. let him figure it out. I have a very active life, independent from him...which now will be limited because I am going to be on my own with the kids.

How long does it take to feel normal again?

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