I want him to be happy

[AnotherStander]

Since I started DB-ing early Nov, I haven’t told/showed my H my feelings AT ALL and I don’t know if I’m doing this right.

I haven’t simply because I did not want to smother him with my emotions and wanted him to have his time and space.

You're doing it right. It is important to share feelings in a healthy marriage, but in a broken marriage the LBS needs to conceal their emotions while trying to get the WAS to open up about theirs. The LBS needs to act "as if" everything is fine and always display a PMA.

Of course I don’t want to tell him that I will be waiting but I wonder if I should let him know that this (D or S) is not what I want but I’m supporting your decisions (moving out) because I know it’s taking a toll on both of us.

I kept wondering this same exact thing, after months of DB'ing and not talking about the R I was concerned that W might misinterpret that as meaning I wasn't interested in the R anymore. So I did mention it to her, but it didn't make a difference. She was still confused, didn't know what she wanted, blah blah blah. So it's up to you, but I imagine he still knows.

Because I try to look content at home I often wonder if he’s thinking if I’ve moved on or if I want to move on with my life w/o him.

Actually most of the old timers here will tell you that the WAS needs to think they might lose the LBS before they'll seriously reconsider what they're doing. So even if he does think that, it's not a bad thing for him to think.

[stilllookingup]

Since I started DB-ing early Nov, I haven’t told/showed my H my feelings AT ALL and I don’t know if I’m doing this right.
I haven’t simply because I did not want to smother him with my emotions and wanted him to have his time and space.

You're doing it right. It is important to share feelings in a healthy marriage, but in a broken marriage the LBS needs to conceal their emotions while trying to get the WAS to open up about theirs. The LBS needs to act "as if" everything is fine and always display a PMA.

Thank you AS always for your inputs! I keep forgetting we are broken .. maybe because we interact with each other like nothing is going on except the nighttime. Somebody said before as much as his true feelings hurt, at least he’s being completely honest about his feelings to me about needing distance and needing to leave. I should respect that.

[stilllookingup]

Journaling -

Even though we don't send each other funny texts or pictures like we used to, the text I send my H almost every night is to ask if we have ingredients that I'd like to use for dinner. I keep forgetting what I have in the fridge and text him from a market. Last night I asked him to check if we had pasta sauce in the pantry. He usually replies to me after checking so it'd usually take 3-5 min to reply back. This time he replied in a sec and said he just parked but he could tell me without going inside if we had enough pasta sauce. That put a huge smile on my face. - Just the other night we were joking about how much pasta sauce we had and we wouldn't need any for a while.

After that I started crying in my car.
I miss us so badly.

[stilllookingup]

I’m having a hard time with my friends that care about me.
I’m supporting my H moving out and we are kind of working as a team about this. When I say that to my friends they don’t seem to understand why I’m being so nice to him about it.

Honestly I don’t have any reason to be mean especially when he seems to really care about me. If he was moving in with OW and taking our kids (referring to 2 cats we have) away from me against my will or something, yes I might have been little meaner.

I get they think I’m being a doormat but I don’t believe I am because he is not asking for anything unreasonable that I can’t bear but I do it anyway. I almost feel I shoudn’t tell them I’m just being patient and hopefully he’ll consider R with me in the future.

[stilllookingup]

My H went to look at an apartment Sat morning. When he came back I asked how it was and he shared a lot of details. Old me before DB-ing would have been so quiet from the sadness and would have NEVER asked him how it was etc, so sadly this was my absolute 180. I'm showing him that I support his decision even though I don't like it at all. Like AS, it's hard for me to detach still because he's still at home and we are friendly while he somewhat remains distant.

Sun morning after I came back from a volunteer work, I made a pretty yummy breakfast for us. He enjoyed it a lot and took a time to tell me how great it was. I'm pretty domesticated and I enjoy all the housework incl ironing his shirts. In my culture being domesticated as a wife is very important we even have a saying husbands will always come home as long as you make yummy dinner every night. (even if they have an affair!) It might be a silly saying but I always believed it. He always came straight home on weekdays. I only hope he'll remember my cooking when he leaves and misses it. That's my goal at this moment.

As for separation details - my few friends that I share what's going on seems to greatly care if we discussed this will be a temporary or permanent before D. I'm counting on what my H said about distance reinforcing with me his feelings and clinging to a hope for R in the future, but I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to ask him now "So honey, would I consider this as a trial separation or what?" To me, that's pressure. To me, it shouldn't matter if it's trial or not but the important thing here is to just let him free however it is without asking for a "title" of this separation... but what do you guys think?

I'm just going to take it as a good sign that he didn't mention D anywhere in his last email a week ago. It must be still in his head but he didn't mention it like in his first email 3 months ago "I intend to file for D" I mean he wasn't even interested in "trial separation" at that time.

I've started squatting in the morning and evening. I'm pretty fit and my friends even give me side eyes when I say I need to tone my body. (They think I'm being modest.) But they don't know that I hide my flaws really well. I've always had a chubby bottom that may be appreciated here more but not in my country. I've carried the scar all my adulthood about how my good boy friends of mine would tease me about my chubby legs (not like bullying, but heavy teasing) growing up and I guess it was somewhat "ok" for boys to tease girls like that. When I was at my chubbiest in high school, a young couple at my age was walking behind me near a train station, the girl walked close up to my back, lifted her leg a little bit and asked her bf "Which leg is chubbier? I'm still ok right?" And the bf yelled at her back "Of course, your leg is much skinnier!" That incident haunted me and it still does. You would never guess that I have a complex like that if you just met me. The complex about my legs contributed to how insecure I am about my body image and confidence. I always felt not in a mood for sex after dinner because it made me feel fat. My H loved me, loved my body no matter what. My insecurity made me say no to sex quite often that resulted hurting him so very much.

So, although I don't need to lose weight like my friends say but I know I WANT to tone my legs so I can be so confident and rock mini skirts and dresses that I never did in my 20's.

[Tallula]

My H went to look at an apartment Sat morning. When he came back I asked how it was and he shared a lot of details. Old me before DB-ing would have been so quiet from the sadness and would have NEVER asked him how it was etc, so sadly this was my absolute 180. I'm showing him that I support his decision even though I don't like it at all. Like AS, it's hard for me to detach still because he's still at home and we are friendly while he somewhat remains distant.

[/color]Like AS, I feel great hope in my ability to really detach and focus on me now that H is gone. I'm 3 days into my S. Good for you!! I helped my H with move and finding this place. I just don't talk about it with my friends. They all think its nuts.

Sun morning after I came back from a volunteer work, I made a pretty yummy breakfast for us. He enjoyed it a lot and took a time to tell me how great it was. I'm pretty domesticated and I enjoy all the housework incl ironing his shirts. In my culture being domesticated as a wife is very important we even have a saying husbands will always come home as long as you make yummy dinner every night. (even if they have an affair!) It might be a silly saying but I always believed it. He always came straight home on weekdays. I only hope he'll remember my cooking when he leaves and misses it. That's my goal at this moment.

As for separation details - my few friends that I share what's going on seems to greatly care if we discussed this will be a temporary or permanent before D. I'm counting on what my H said about distance reinforcing with me his feelings and clinging to a hope for R in the future, but I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to ask him now "So honey, would I consider this as a trial separation or what?" To me, that's pressure. To me, it shouldn't matter if it's trial or not but the important thing here is to just let him free however it is without asking for a "title" of this separation... but what do you guys think?

[color:#FF0000] I wouldn't ask. You know that drill, depends on the moment you ask him what his answer will be. I almost asked my H again, even though he constantly says "well, I don't want to have to buy this, cause when I move back we'll have 2." It's like we want a guarentee. We'll never have one. You know that. Just try to live in the now and limit what things you discuss with your well meaning friends. They don't get it. It would be pressure.

I'm just going to take it as a good sign that he didn't mention D anywhere in his last email a week ago. It must be still in his head but he didn't mention it like in his first email 3 months ago "I intend to file for D" I mean he wasn't even interested in "trial separation" at that time.

I've started squatting in the morning and evening. I'm pretty fit and my friends even give me side eyes when I say I need to tone my body. (They think I'm being modest.) But they don't know that I hide my flaws really well. I've always had a chubby bottom that may be appreciated here more but not in my country. I've carried the scar all my adulthood about how my good boy friends of mine would tease me about my chubby legs (not like bullying, but heavy teasing) growing up and I guess it was somewhat "ok" for boys to tease girls like that. When I was at my chubbiest in high school, a young couple at my age was walking behind me near a train station, the girl walked close up to my back, lifted her leg a little bit and asked her bf "Which leg is chubbier? I'm still ok right?" And the bf yelled at her back "Of course, your leg is much skinnier!" That incident haunted me and it still does. You would never guess that I have a complex like that if you just met me. The complex about my legs contributed to how insecure I am about my body image and confidence. I always felt not in a mood for sex after dinner because it made me feel fat. My H loved me, loved my body no matter what. My insecurity made me say no to sex quite often that resulted hurting him so very much.

[/color] Oh I could go on and on about body issues...and I'm a personal trainer. Ha. Ok, don't laugh. My IC had me start telling myself in the mirrow each day how I'm beautiful just the way I am. After 2 1/2 months...I really believe it. Try it.

So, although I don't need to lose weight like my friends say but I know I WANT to tone my legs so I can be so confident and rock mini skirts and dresses that I never did in my 20's.

[color:#FF0000]Go for it!! Start up a new class, start running, weight lifting. A great book for starting a weight training program is The New Rules of Weight Lifting for Woman. Couch to 5k is awesome. I love ZukaLight. She use to be on the bodyrock tv (free internet interval workouts). I'm a firm believer in HIIT workouts for toning and building muscle.

I'm new in my S, its hard in some ways, but better in others.

[stilllookingup]

I wouldn't ask. You know that drill, depends on the moment you ask him what his answer will be. I almost asked my H again, even though he constantly says "well, I don't want to have to buy this, cause when I move back we'll have 2." It's like we want a guarentee. We'll never have one. You know that. Just try to live in the now and limit what things you discuss with your well meaning friends. They don't get it. It would be pressure.

How much do you tell your meaning friends about your stich? I need support especially from my best friend. She says she doesn’t want him hanging (She wants him to make all the decisions now) because it’ll hurt me more if he doesn’t. I’m actually thinking of having a heart-to-heart talk with my best friend because it actually stresses me out more than my R with my H to think I don’t have her support. I know she does whatever I decide but I can tell from her words and her expressions that she thinks I’m not over him even though he’s leaving. Um I am not and I will never be done with this M until it’s the end. Him leaving to me isn’t the end and apparently she doesn’t seem to see that way. She herself almost walked out on her H due to his alcohol problem last Spring, but decided to stay after he quit. She told me “I know you’d think it’s stupid but I’ve decided to stay” I said “Why would I think it’s stupid? I think it’s great” I was the only one out of her friends that told her to separate first and don’t file D while her other friends told her “It’s over, he’s not quitting, move on” It’s so wrong that we both think we wouldn’t be supportive of each other’s decisions/feelings. I think it’s time we talked.

Go for it!! Start up a new class, start running, weight lifting. A great book for starting a weight training program is The New Rules of Weight Lifting for Woman. Couch to 5k is awesome. I love ZukaLight. She use to be on the bodyrock tv (free internet interval workouts). I'm a firm believer in HIIT workouts for toning and building muscle.

Thanks for all the recommendations, I’ll definitely look into it.

[stilllookingup]

Just a quick journaling –

I understand now more than ever why I have to work hard on 180 until my H moves out. I realized just tiny backslides from 180 would put me in a bad position.

One of my 180 I’ve been doing is to shop for grocery or any household stuff all alone. We used to go to g shopping together all the time. I hate shopping alone to begin with so I kind of made a routine for us to go shopping together all the time. Even when we come back from shopping, I kind of let him load most of the stuff into the house and put them away. I felt I did my part of coming up with menus and cooking every day I didn’t have to do loading part. Ever since DB-ing I go grocery shopping on the way back from work, unload all the stuff into the house, put them away and start cooking without asking for help. Interestingly enough, now I don’t even have to ask for help because when he seems me with all the bags he offers to help and I gladly accept it. It feels so much nicer that way. But just a couple of nights ago I came back with all the bags and I guess I just wanted him to interact with me so I asked him to go back to my car to help me with the rest of the bags. He didn’t look upset or anything but it just had a weird vibe. It was almost like we were right back @square 1.

I do this tiny backsliding often recently. When he was helping me with cooking one night I suggested that he used a different spoon than the one he was using. I know he does not want to be treated like a kid and my old habit just snoops back in if I don’t be careful.

No more backsliding so he’ll only have good impressions of new me when he moves out..

[stilllookingup]

It's so weird how well we get along at home. It almost makes me feel that he's changed his mind about leaving - but no he's filling out an application for the apartment he went to see Sat.

We watch the preview of the next season's Walking Dead and realized it was coming back this weekend. I'm sure we both thought "Will we be here to watch it together?" The unit he's filling an application for is available now so he could move out this weekend.

I don't even know if I should stay home to watch him leave or be out of the house... If I'd do 180 on that, I would stay home and see him off with a smile. It would be hard as hexx but I might have to do that.

[AnotherStander]

How much do you tell your meaning friends about your stich?

Only discuss it with friends that have no connection to your H. I've seen this happen over and over again here, people talk to their BFF "who won't tell a soul" and next thing they know they get an extremely angry call from their WAS who is pissed about being read the riot act by said friend. The WAS ALWAYS blames it on the LBS, they ALWAYS accuse of them of trying to rally people to their "cause". It's a huge backslide every time. So discuss it here, or discuss it with people you know have zero connection to your H. DO NOT discuss it with mutual friends or family. When talking to mutual friends or family, just say things like "we're both taking this time to learn more about ourselves and what we want."

It's so weird how well we get along at home. It almost makes me feel that he's changed his mind about leaving - but no he's filling out an application for the apartment he went to see Sat.

Don't read anything into it. My W was the same way, we got along great, better than before BD in fact. Even the sex was better. I often thought she had changed her mind. But she left anyway. What's going on internally is what is driving them. What you see on the outside is something totally different.

We watch the preview of the next season's Walking Dead

I LOVE that show! One of my guilty pleasures