Separated, in different states....

[Cadet]

I thought I posted to you earlier today but must have forgotten to hit submit.

Yes you did post earlier today on the other thread linked above.

Lampstand lets stick with this thread for now.

You are physically separated but not divorced, are you legally separated?
I don't think so.

A lot of pursuing and distancing, codependence and control in all of these posts.

I think you need to realize that Actions speak louder than words.

Your actions are the thing that need to be measured, not your words.
If I was your husband do you thing that I would trust anything you say?
How can we work on that?

I would try to slow all this down, it did not get like this overnight and you will not solve it with one thing either.

You need small obtainable goals.
That work towards rebuilding your marriage.

You will be starting over for a new marriage but first the two of you need to commit to that, lets just take baby steps and see what happens.

[labug]

Thanks Cadet, glad one of is paying attention.

[Lampstand]

No legal separation even though I suggested it out of hurt feelings more than a real desire. I told him last night I don't want that. He agreed.

I don't think my actions have been consistent with my words at all. I've justified that because he's done the same thing. I've lived the motto "Monkey see, monkey do." He lied so I lied. He cheated so I cheated. Doesn't make it right. But it's what I did.

I'm still a bit angry that he had me arrested for domestic violence because he was angry that I broke his laptop. He lied to the police (it's in the police report so I know he did) and told them that I was threatening him. why did I break his laptop? Because I was trying to talk to him about something that was causing me a lot of anxiety (my high school reunion) and he couldn't even be bothered to take his darn eyes off the freaking computer. Much like the day I was talking to him about our R and he was looking at pictures of another woman while we were talking. I thought I had worked past those feelings of resentment but they've popped up again since he left. I am so sick and tired of trying to save this man from himself. I am so sick and tired of trying to make him into something. He wanted a career as a professional musician. So I taught myself to play guitar and we formed a band. We actually recorded 2 CDs and got some good reviews in some music magazines. I did it for him. He's never even once complimented me sincerely on my talents. Why? Because he's jealous of all the attention I get. But I sat and listened for 3 years about how such and such woman was a great talent, and that other girl singer was fabulaous......blah, blah, blah. I encouraged him in a writing career. I agreed to work while he stayed home and "wrote" a novel. Yeah, right. He was looking at porn for 8 hours and having emotional affairs. I forgave all that. I spent MY MONEY to send him to rehab. He came home from rehab hating me and his mom totally turned on me for wanting to help him. She's the one that keeps enabling him whenever our M hits the rocks. Yet H is mad at me that I'm not close friends with his mother.

How come all this time he's been unemployed he isn't writing that book? But he complains that my demands for attention from him are interfering with his dream of being a writer. It's BS.

Then on Dec 23 I laid down a new ultimatum, one I thought I could live with. He agreed but once again, didn't keep his word and he ran off to his parents that night while I was at church.

So anyone who says I've been mean to him can kiss my grits. You have no idea what I've put up with to keep this M going. Do you know what it is like to listen to your spouse cry to you "Why didn't so and so love me the way I loved her?" To read his "novel" and it's filled with the names of all his exes but your name is nowhere. To be in a band that seems to be taking off but he's depressed because the other band with that girl he was obsessed with kicked him out 15 years ago? Of how he doesn't understand why his buddy in high school got all the chicks and he didn't. Or watching him get angry because we go to a restaurant and the 20-something douchebags are hanging out with "hot chicks" instead of him. WTF? Hello, you are almost 50 and have a wife sitting next to you. Nothing I did for this man even measured on his radar. And now I found out that even though he knows he dropped the ball in our M he's more upset about his health and the ADULT daughter who really doesn't need him because she's got her head screwed on straighter than him. Our M seems to be the last priority for him and he pretty much said so. He actually said his health is throwing up roadblocks to him addressing his issues. What???? He sprained his shoulder 3 weeks ago and he has pink eye. What does that have to do with dealing with your emotional baggage? Sounds like an excuse to me.

Part of me thinks the only reason he contacted me last night was because he was lonely and wanted sympathy for his eye infection. I could be wrong though.

Why do I want to save the M? Because I don't want to fail. Because I don't want to be without a partner. I married him in the church and cannot marry someone else so I'm stuck with him. My religious beliefs require me to stay married to him. That's not going to change no matter what book or counseling I get. Doesn't mean we can live together though.

So maybe I really don't want him to come back. Maybe I am just feeling some sense of duty. I don't know--my feelings keep changing. One minute I want him back and the next minute I don't.

I just know that I want my life to be different and I believe I can affect those changes myself.

[Lampstand]

On a positive note my spiritual life has really grown in the past few weeks.

[PEI]

Lampstand ... had a big post typed out and lost it, will get back to you in the next few days (just wanted you to know others are reading and following) ...

... in the meantime, find Beattie's book on no longer being Co-dependant...

[cat04]

Lampstand,

Wecome to the best worst place to be during a situation like this...

Lampstand ... had a big post typed out and lost it

Well it must be something in the water because mine also went "poof" about thirty seconds ago...


So I am going to leave this until the morning...

Pei,

What happened to work and patience?

Cat

[2chiquitos]

oh wow! ok so that post gives a lot of ideas on where you can work on yourself. This is a 2x4 that is meant to help you not hurt you.

DB is about how YOU can change to be a better partner. Be it for you current H or a future partner or to be a better person in any type of a relationship.

Your H dropping the ball on the marriage is an opportunity for you to reflect on yourself and be a better YOU!
Some things I read in your post are:
anger management
resentment
boundaries
self pity

anger management. when talking about the DV issue, you blame him for doing xyz. YOU broke the laptop. YOU decided to REACT. You need to accept that this was YOUR fault. Disregard the lies he told the police. The truth is YOU reacted out of anger when you could've been more mature and communicated your needs.

resentment. You have a case of the "he he's." He did this, he did that. I did this for him, etc. You need to let go of the resentment. How do you do that? well ask yourself, "How did you contribute to this resentment?" That's why you're really upset. Not because of what he did but what YOU didn't do! You didn't set boundaries. Which leads me to...

boundaries. Did you communicate to him how much it bothered you that he would bring up other women and how much he wanted them or was jealous other people could hook up with them? If you did, did you repeat your boundary? If he continued, did you get up and walk away or ask him (in a polite way) that you'd rather end the conversation? This again, is more about you then him.

self pity. This is my favorite! I grew up feeling so comfortable feeling sorry for myself. Poor me, I did this and got this response instead! Since DBing I no longer feel comfortable feeling sorry for myself. Of course not! You know why? Because I realized that I choose to hold on to resentment. I also choose to let them go. I choose my boundaries and I need to express them so they don't become resentments.

Sorry it was so long. I'm gonna cut it short and say that you are a wonderful person inside and out. Be sure to tell yourself "I love you" in the mirror everyday. 5times a day! And everyday write down what you're grateful for!

Take care of Lampstand!

[uRworthy]

Ok, deep breaths, Lampstand.

First things first. I applaud you looking inside and trying to figure things out.

You want to come from a place of calm and strength when you are ready to try to save your marriage. And I think a whole lot has to happen before you get there.

Here's the thing. You are angry and confused and sad. And while you are those things, it really is best for you to put the fixing or saving of your marriage aside until you are in a better place.

The thing about dbing is that changes need to take place. But the changes have to be real or the spouse can see right through them.

In order for the changes to become real, you need to live them each and every day. Not for a month or two.

So, you are starting to see your part in the problems of the marriage. That's good.

I think it best that you do not contact your h right now. You are going round and round in circles and that will just confuse the situation.

Continue to dig deep. You need to own your stuff. His stuff is his.

Keep going.

[Lampstand]

Thanks for all the posts. Yes, I am very angry about everything and I cannot share these feelings with anyone so I'm dumping it here.

After reading the excellent advice given I realize that I am still trying to control H even now through what I am saying to him. Trying to get him to man up and "do the right thing" by modeling it to him first (apologizing first, asking to R first) like a mother to a child. Still after all this time, I am still doing this. And I hate it.

If you wanna know what it's like go watch that scene from The Godfather where Al Martino is complaining to Don Corleone about that part that he's perfect for. He's whining like a baby and doing face palms. Godfather slaps him around. Anyway, I digress.

It's actually a good step for me to even acknowledge my anger and sadness. I've been denying it for a long time, to keep the peace. I feel like I've been walking on eggshells to keep him from running away again. Hate that about myself.

I wish to be free to be honest. To live authentically. To not care anymore what H is feeling about himself. To not feel like it's my job to build him up. I want to build myself up.

Right now I'm asking myself "Do I even want this man in my life?"

I'm glad I don't have to answer that question tonight.

[Lampstand]

oh wow! ok so that post gives a lot of ideas on where you can work on yourself. This is a 2x4 that is meant to help you not hurt you.

DB is about how YOU can change to be a better partner. Be it for you current H or a future partner or to be a better person in any type of a relationship.

Your H dropping the ball on the marriage is an opportunity for you to reflect on yourself and be a better YOU!
Some things I read in your post are:
anger management
resentment
boundaries
self pity

anger management. when talking about the DV issue, you blame him for doing xyz. YOU broke the laptop. YOU decided to REACT. You need to accept that this was YOUR fault. Disregard the lies he told the police. The truth is YOU reacted out of anger when you could've been more mature and communicated your needs.

resentment. You have a case of the "he he's." He did this, he did that. I did this for him, etc. You need to let go of the resentment. How do you do that? well ask yourself, "How did you contribute to this resentment?" That's why you're really upset. Not because of what he did but what YOU didn't do! You didn't set boundaries. Which leads me to...

boundaries. Did you communicate to him how much it bothered you that he would bring up other women and how much he wanted them or was jealous other people could hook up with them? If you did, did you repeat your boundary? If he continued, did you get up and walk away or ask him (in a polite way) that you'd rather end the conversation? This again, is more about you then him.

self pity. This is my favorite! I grew up feeling so comfortable feeling sorry for myself. Poor me, I did this and got this response instead! Since DBing I no longer feel comfortable feeling sorry for myself. Of course not! You know why? Because I realized that I choose to hold on to resentment. I also choose to let them go. I choose my boundaries and I need to express them so they don't become resentments.

Sorry it was so long. I'm gonna cut it short and say that you are a wonderful person inside and out. Be sure to tell yourself "I love you" in the mirror everyday. 5times a day! And everyday write down what you're grateful for!

Take care of Lampstand!

To answer in one sentence: no, I never set boundaries for his behavior around me. I let it happen and then I got resentful about his mistreatment. I would passive-aggressively get revenge. I'm probably still doing it.