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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander


Good! Keep it that way for now. If he ever expresses interest in returning then the more serious convos can take place.



He still lives with us. Has not left....still deciding whether he will or not. but I will take "returning" to mean return to our marriage...or committing to our marriage, so I get it.

You must live close to your W. to be able to do 50/50 custody. I work from home and H works full time, so I am the SAHM..I would want this to continue...kids with me, he visits. ugh hate the thought of it.

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You have plenty of time. My friend had cancer treatments that left her infertile...she had a donor egg baby at age 42. That baby was 100% hers, she was worried, but it all disappeared the minute she met him. Her body grew him, he was hers. Get this--my other friend tried for 9 years to have a 2nd baby...many miscarriages--finally got pregnant at 48!!! Healthy little girl. There is definitely hope, and you have time. Check out fertilityfriend.com for inspirational stories. I was very lucky to have conceived my first son at 38 and my second at 41 with no intervention, but I am a researcher so I wanted to be prepared for the worst case scenario. I am 47 with an 8 year old and a 5 year old.

Sorry your infertility caused you so much pain...all I can say is the joy of children in your life far outweighs the "joy" of pregnancy. Easy for me to say, and I understand the biological desire to have a baby...but it's sort of like the wedding vs. the marriage. Ha. Better to focus more attention on the marriage than the wedding. Oh if I could only hop in a time machine and go backwards, how I would do things differently!! never mind--onward and upward!! where there is life, there is hope. great things are just around the corner, I know it.

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Originally Posted By: E2Dad
I honestly never would have given "pro marriage" or "pro-self" counselors a second thought if it weren't for this situation. I wonder how many people actually change counselors for another that is a better fit for their thoughts and feelings.


I went to 5 MC's myself before inviting W to come along, and then switched again after one session with that MC because I didn't feel she "got" where W was coming from (which would have just discouraged W from coming again).

The MC I ended up with said that 90% of the time MC is too late to help. He said the majority of the time, one spouse is coming to work, and the other is coming to help the other person find peace, convince the other person it's over, establish that there is something wrong with the other person, or establish that it's all the other person's fault. In those scenarios he said it almost worthless.

The other dynamic is described in "Love Must Be Tough" where the WAS typically holds their cards close the vest -- the LBS doesn't know what they are thinking or feeling or why, while the LBS typically pours all their thoughts and feelings out leaving the WAS with nothing to wonder about. MC can exacerbate this as it can cut the legs out from under "act as if".

I'm not a big MC fan, but when I went, I went alone before each session and strategized with the MC on where I wanted to go, what to focus on, and what to stay away from. I wanted no surprises -- if the MC wanted to go somewhere I wanted him to discuss it with me first.

That said, he *still* surprised me a couple times and said things that W latched onto as reasons for her not to work on the marriage and not to consider making any changes.

There is no scorecard to evaluate how good an MC is -- the majority of the time they don't know what happens to the couples they worked with, and they don't follow up to monitor outcomes. There is no statistical evidence to suggest that it helps at all, unlike Retrovaille which does monitor outcomes.

All that said, in *your* situation if you think it will help and/or make you feel better, then you should do it until you have a good reason not to. The minute you feel your counselor is not going where you want you should change.

I got mine to agree to read all the background in an e-mail for free and clarify questions before our first session so I didn't have to spend money to recount everything from the beginning.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Originally Posted By: TigWinkle
You have plenty of time. My friend had cancer treatments that left her infertile...she had a donor egg baby at age 42. That baby was 100% hers, she was worried, but it all disappeared the minute she met him. Her body grew him, he was hers.

Oh my god this story made me cry. Of course it was hers.. What was I worried about all this time?!?

Originally Posted By: TigWinkle
Sorry your infertility caused you so much pain...all I can say is the joy of children in your life far outweighs the "joy" of pregnancy. Easy for me to say, and I understand the biological desire to have a baby...but it's sort of like the wedding vs. the marriage. Ha. Better to focus more attention on the marriage than the wedding. Oh if I could only hop in a time machine and go backwards, how I would do things differently!! never mind--onward and upward!! where there is life, there is hope. great things are just around the corner, I know it.

Iím so glad I commented on your thread. I just wanted to share my insights since your H and mine seemed to share similar traits.. but I didnít know Iíd get such a valuable insights on infertility. You are so right about wedding vs marriage. We, girls tend to get caught with the wedding or pregnancy excitement and forget whatís really important. Iíve always wanted a happy family with my H and I thought we were on our way without realizing I had all my priorities completely messed up. How could we have a happy family if I couldnít even make my H happy. Thank you, TigWinkle. Youíve done something to my head today.. in a good way smile


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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I'm wishing the best for you stilllookingup. focus on making yourself happy! never mind your H. That's his job to make himself happy. surround yourself with positive people. it REALLY helps become more positive yourself. And good luck to you! smile

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Accuray,
such good information. thanks.

I feel there is a lot of truth to what you are saying. It is hard for me to open up too much in counseling because then it would be letting on how upset I really am...that's okay by me...but is it 100% honest?

I think H began this thinking it was ALL my fault...then admitted most of everything was probably his fault but it didn't matter...he didn't WANT to be married to me, didn't WANT anything from me, could NOT forgive me. yet he wants counseling, he wants to improve, he wants to be honest and build trust with me. Probably more as a coparent than a husband, but that is a start. He is a very very conflicted person. He is suffering a lot from facing his problems.

I think he may be going to counseling to be able to say "See, I tried--and I don't feel any different"...yet this is not hardcore counseling. I feel like we need something tougher, more to the point. We could ramble on with this therapy for years. Most of our sessions turn into sessions on H's issues and problems...and I sit there and listen. Therapist said H has so many issues it's like triage. Must take care of him first. I am half way up the mountain and H has to "catch up" with me. It may take some time...

I LOVE the idea of the email catching s therapist up to speed. If that becomes necessary I will definitely do it.

Please tell me about Retrovaille. Would you recommend it? I read up a little on it but the Catholic thing would scare away H I think.

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Well things have taken a turn for the worse. I should learn to trust my intuition. For the past two days he has been acting really weird. Still friendly but somehow more detached from the boys.

Tonight H confessed that he had a physical affair with someone. About 6 weeks ago. He refuses to tell me any of the details, but he said he can never be in an honest and trustworthy relationship with me. He showed no remorse. He left for a hotel and I am glad. Numb.

He told me that he went to see our therapist today at 3pm. I knew he seemed really weird when he got home. He told me I deserved better.

We had plans tomorrow with another family--they were coming over for dinner, and the boys were looking forward to it. Tonight H even prepared the pork loin right before he left. He isn't going to work tomorrow so he can go apartment hunting. We have our appointment with the therapist on Saturday and perhaps we will talk about how to tell the boys and when to tell them

I am going to talk to my friend who is coming tomorrow and still have them come. I don't want my husband here tomorrow. But I don't want the boys to be worried about him. I guess I could say he had to work late. And tell them on Saturday after the counseling.

I told him there was no hope for reconciliation and I feel that in my heart I do not want him any more. Yet even so I still want our family to be together. I am so confused. I feel sick...

If ANYone has any advice...ANY ideas. ANY words of wisdom...please. This all happened 20 minutes ago...

What on earth are we going to tell the boys?

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So sorry, it does hurt a lot but you will get through it. Cry, scream, yell, curse whatever you need to do. Then tomorrow is a new day.

Think through your options but don't try to make any decisions right now. Give it time to settle in.

Do you have a friend who can be with you for awhile tonight?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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Oh I am so sorry.. I agree with labug. We can't make clear decisions when we are so hurt and upset. I know no words are gonna ease your pain right now but we are here for you. Hopefully there's someone who can come comfort you tonight...


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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Thank you both. I am numb but I am fine. My 8 year old came downstairs wondering where Daddy went and I felt I needed to tell him the truth. Of course nothing about the affair. just that daddy went to a hotel because he is very sad. My son was very very upset and said is Daddy ever coming back? Will I ever see him again? How could he do this to his brother who is only 5? (as if being 8 is so much better). My life is going to be sad from now on...He cried and I told him that I wanted to do everything I could to keep our family together, but Daddy made his decision. My heart broke, his heart broke, he cried himself to sleep. I texted my husband to come back and talk to his son, I didn't want to do it on my own, but he ignored me. Coward. So I did the best I could. Told him Daddy loved him and his brother very much, that we would see him tomorrow, that we would be sad for a while, but I promise we will be FINE. He asked if we could take a trip to Philadelphia. Funny kid. I said sure.

I talked to a friend tonight...and that is it. I will be fine. I am numb. I can think in abstract terms that this man (H) is despicable, he is a real jerk...but it doesn't hurt me. I actually feel sorry for him. oh dear God help me...

Oh by the way--I was telling him that he stands to lose it all--that he is selfish, and emotionally broken. And H got on his high horse and said "I am not the one pointing the finger at YOU and criticizing YOU"....I was speechless and told him--wow--you are just so incredibly honorable. I appreciate your healthy communication skills.

good grief. he found a way to criticize ME!

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