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Originally Posted By: TigWinkle
So if I am assuming that H is leaving then I should contact a lawyer to make sure that I am prepared and that I get the best outcome for me and the boys?
I am not going to say, "yes go" or "no don't go". I will say it hurts nothing to go for an initial consultation. You aren't going to file anything. You aren't going to start any process. All you will be doing is gaining some knowledge incase things actually do move towards D. A lot of time the initial consultation is free of charge. The decision to go is totally dependant on your choice. If you decide to go, do UNLIKE I did. Do not tell H or any soul that you have seen a lawyer. That information is only for your benefit.

Originally Posted By: TigWinkle
How can I go to therapy every week and wholeheartedly work on our marriage--and I do believe H is committed to improving aspects of himself, and our relationship...yet also see a divorce lawyer?
Think of a lawyer visit as a business transaction, because that is literally what it is. He is going to provide you with numbers and routes to take for certain situations. You don't have to be emotionally vested. You will just be sharing facts and figures.

Originally Posted By: TigWinkle
It is hard for me to draw him into me if I am accepting that he is leaving. It is hard for me to be supportive of him if I know he is about to break our little boys' hearts.
Nobody said this was going to be easy. How much work are you willing to put in?

Originally Posted By: TigWinkle
I am having a hard time in limbo. Do I act as if we are going to be fine in the end (after tons of work of course)...or do I plan for him to leave?
You act as if you are going to be fine either way. You are trying to convey that while you want this marriage, you are not going to wait around. You will move on with your life, with him or without him.

Originally Posted By: TigWinkle
I have not asked recently whether or when he is leaving. I guess I don't want to interrupt his decision making process... want to be patient and let the therapy evolve...I also don't want to know the answer. I don't think he knows the answer either.
Don't ask. Don't even bring it up. The less it is discussed, the less he will think about it. When he wants to leave, you will know.


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^^^Good info from SuckerPunch!

Originally Posted By: TigWinkle

So if I am assuming that H is leaving then I should contact a lawyer to make sure that I am prepared and that I get the best outcome for me and the boys?


Just to clarify what I meant, I'm talking about mental preparation specifically. I'm just saying that maybe if you tell yourself that your H will be leaving at some point, then it'll make it easier for you to detach while he's still at home. Because that's what you need to do now- detach and give him space and time. It's your choice though, if you think it would put you in a worse mental place then don't do it.

I see a lot of parallels between your sitch and mine. We went to MC, we were getting along great, we were doing things together, it seemed like things were turning around. But W's mind was made up. She said things like your H is saying, this in particular: "says he doesn't want to send mixed messages, or raise my hopes...wants to be honest" My W said this throughout, right up until she walked out the door. Don't underestimate just how "done" your H is.

Quote:
How can I go to therapy every week and wholeheartedly work on our marriage


Don't put much hope into MC. I went back and read your OP and I just don't think your H will benefit from MC. The WAS never does get anything out of MC, they just hear what they want to hear. MC can be a great benefit to couples that are starting to have trouble, or to couples that are starting to reconcile. It's pretty much worthless to couples that are on the brink of S though.

Quote:
It is hard for me to draw him into me if I am accepting that he is leaving.


What do you mean by "draw him into" you? That sounds a lot like pursuit and now is not the time for that, it'll just drive him away.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Don't put much hope into MC. I went back and read your OP and I just don't think your H will benefit from MC. The WAS never does get anything out of MC, they just hear what they want to hear. MC can be a great benefit to couples that are starting to have trouble, or to couples that are starting to reconcile. It's pretty much worthless to couples that are on the brink of S though.


Agree. We went to 6 weeks of group session and we saw couples dropping one after another there were only 3 couples including us left at the second to last session and we were proud. All along my H seemed like he was benefiting from the sessions so much because he'd actively do exercises in class and shared his feelings. I remember at the last session we attended he marked a question Yes on "I'm done with all the negativity between us" and I questioned. He then revealed that he was still not happy. I was shocked. Here I was thinking we were getting so much from these sessions, and there he was telling me he was still not happy. Few days later D was dropped and we never made it to the last class. I really think those classes would have been FANTASTIC if we had gone when he started pulling away...

So I agree with AS. I'd be really careful about that. As your H may seem as private as my H is. All he really may need is time and space... and maybe leaving to think things through.


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2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
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W's mind was made up. She said things like your H is saying, this in particular: "says he doesn't want to send mixed messages, or raise my hopes...wants to be honest" My W said this throughout, right up until she walked out the door. Don't underestimate just how "done" your H is.[/quote] My wife said this almost EXACTLY!



quote=AnotherStander]What do you mean by "draw him into" you? That sounds a lot like pursuit and now is not the time for that, it'll just drive him away.[/quote] Totally agree. Your time for pulling him in has past....now DBing is your path


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I also feel that MC is not helpful at this stage of the game. Before our FIRST sessions my W thought perhaps we could get something out of it, but she was reluctant. After the SECOND session, she was DONE...she moved out that night. I accredit a little of that to the counselor being "pro feelings and wishes" rather than being pro-marriage. Either way, my W was not in a place to hear anything other than what was going on inside of her own head.


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Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
I accredit a little of that to the counselor being "pro feelings and wishes" rather than being pro-marriage. Either way, my W was not in a place to hear anything other than what was going on inside of her own head.


My situation exactly. My W and I both agreed to see a MC, and then an IC separately. Mine is pro-marriage and family while the first thing out of my W's IC was "no relationship lasts forever, so honor your feelings"..... I was hung up on that for a while, but unfortunately my W wrapped herself in that and never looked back. I have no control over that, nor do I have any desire to try to make my W "see the light" about her IC. I think that would be very counterproductive!! I tried pushing the MC thing for a while after my W said she no longer wanted to try, but in the end it's better left alone unless she brings it up.


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Thank you thank you for your post suckerpunch. (like your username btw)

My husband HAS filed for divorce. it will be almost 2 months ago. I believe he did it after a LOT of thought...but at the same time impusively. He did not think that I would want to or be able to change. HE suggested the MC. I told him I would not sign it, and H said he would not pursue it "for now".

I would NOT tell H about the lawyer. No way.

I am willing to put in A LOT of work. You wouldn't believe the things that I can shrug off and not take personally...wish I had learned that years ago.

I will be fine, I know I will be fine in the end. In fact I would probably be happier with someone completely different than H. But I committed to him, we have a family together, and I will not break my vows. It will be something H does. I am not unhappy in my marriage--(was--but not anymore). Wouldn't say I was jumping for joy either, but content. I love my husband, faults and all. I feel for him deeply. I honestly do not think he will be "fine" away from us. He doesn't have the emotional strength or tools. This makes me very, very sad.

I will call the lawyer in the next couple of days...as a business consultation. To be prepared...

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Thanks AnotherStander, again for your thoughts.

I was referring to what Accuray said to me about "drawing him in"

Originally Posted By: Accuray
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I wouldn't bring it up. Eventually he may see it, but even if he does it's unlikely he'll admit it. You bringing it up just pushes him away and you want to focus on things that draw him closer.

Accuray


That I don't bring up him leaving...I guess I should prepare for the possibility of him leaving.

If I told you things were so harmonious..we laugh, talk, he chooses to spend time with me, the boys. He isn't needing "space". We have a big enough house that we could easily NEVER see each other. Yet out of habit? I don't know why--we sit companionably every night chatting, watching tv...whatever. He has plenty of opportunities to go out, or just ignore me after the boys are in bed. He doesn't have to kiss me goodbye in the morning or goodnight or hello. Mind you nothing passionate, but he chooses to do this.

Why? Keep me hopeful? Keep me from getting in his face? Maybe. I dont' read too much into it, but I am not throwing myself at him.

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stilllookingup--do you have children?

I think it gets confusing and complicated when kids are involved. If H leaves he leaves not just me, but his home, his sons, his life. He stands to lose a lot. I think he hesitates because he sees the big picture. I don't think he's staying because of ME. But I will never agree to a platonic marriage. For now, that is what we have...that is fine.

Maybe I am too optimistic? I still have hope.

I guess I need patience.

thanks for your insight.

I wonder if MC is helping. H says it is. He seems very earnest in wanting to go. Two sessions ago the therapist asked if we wanted to make another appointment.

H said right away YES! And at the same time I said "What's the point?" H looked at me like "really?" and then I agreed to come back.

so hard so hard so hard....

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E2Dad I wish our counselor was more pro-marriage. I think he is overwhelmed with all the problems H has. But we both like him and it seems useful. Whether it works for the long run..who knows...

How do you find a pro-marriage counselor?

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