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Originally Posted By: Breakdown
Do you want to stay married or no? If you do, that's one decision I wouldn't support. You can still be respectful, but I wouldn't be helping him find a place, or move, or D unless that's what you want. Ideally, you want to stay in the same house as long as possible so he can start to see the new you and you want to postpone D as long as possible so he has time to work thru his own issues.

I do! I do want to stay married, but at the same time I can see how it's taking a toll on him I thought it would help him to start seeing me in a positive way if he doesn't have to stay here. I think spending what it seems like a normal couple's time (eating dinner/watching tv together etc) but not sleeping in the same room is getting too much for him. In my mind though if he came back to MBR I would be all over him but I'm guessing he doesn't come back because he's not open to R or too shy (oh god I hope it's the latter but probably not)

In our relationships, I was always the one who initiated the first move. I asked him on our first date and I asked him to meet me after 4 months of break-up that eventually led us to marriage. That's why I feel like I should either help him move out or initiate LM if he were to stay longer... I'm very confused.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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Originally Posted By: stilllookingup
He said it’s taking a toll on him by living like this, he felt distancing himself would help reinforce with me his feelings that he knows he’s doing the best thing for him and he’ll move out pretty soon.

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Sometimes separation is needed for the real healing to begin.


AS - Thank you for your input and more books for me to read! I read your threads recently and they are just so inspirational. I think both you and Breakdown are onto something. I don't think I should energetically encourage him to move out but my H seems kind of like your wife that his thinking time won't start until he moves out. He seems cold, distant and mostly sad.. that I don't think he can really think as long as he's here. AS - I saw in your post that your wife was cold and distant when you guys were under the same roof but you also said you'd spend a lot time with her and kids. How was it like? Did you do your own thing with or wo kids on the weekends?

He had a birthday recently and while I usually pick a card that says I love you and stuff but I chose a card that said wherever the year takes ahead hope it's happy.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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oh! He called me "honey" today! He never called me by my first name since we've been married and before D dropped, but now he hasn't called me honey at all after D dropped.

Sigh.. I never knew a year ago being called honey would bring me this much joy. Oh I miss him so much.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted By: stilllookingup
I read your threads recently and they are just so inspirational.


Thank you so much! There will be a happy ending regardless, I hope that it's reconciliation but if it isn't I will still continue on with a great life!

Quote:
I don't think I should energetically encourage him to move out but my H seems kind of like your wife that his thinking time won't start until he moves out.


It's really hard for a WAS to get the space they need if they stay at home. There are a lot of threads on here where the WAS has stayed at home and the relationship has been in a miserable limbo for years.

Quote:
AS - I saw in your post that your wife was cold and distant when you guys were under the same roof but you also said you'd spend a lot time with her and kids. How was it like?


I knew from the moment of BD that W planned on moving out, so I made the decision not to detach until she moved out. While she was at home I would instead concentrate on my 180's. One of her complaints was that I was cold and distant during the M (she was towards me as well, but 180's are not about her) so I wanted to show her how things could be with a warm and loving me. It wasn't acting, BD really did transform me into a much more caring, warm and loving person. Anyway, I stuck with those 180's until she moved out and at that point I detached to give her the time and space she wanted.

Quote:
Did you do your own thing with or wo kids on the weekends?


While she was still here we continued to do everything together. After she moved out we've continued to do some things together (things like S10's basketball games and D16's drill team performances) but also do things on our own with the kids on our respective weeks.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
BD really did transform me into a much more caring, warm and loving person. Anyway, I stuck with those 180's until she moved out and at that point I detached to give her the time and space she wanted.

I know what you mean. I can't believe how calmer person I am today. I mean I always had to be right to be happy. When I got my way I felt accomplished but was I happy? Honestly I don't know. Despite the situation I can definitely say I am happier with myself. I've learned to let things go, be patient (very patient) and be more loving.

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
It's really hard for a WAS to get the space they need if they stay at home. There are a lot of threads on here where the WAS has stayed at home and the relationship has been in a miserable limbo for years.

That's my fear. I don't think he has a clear plan as to how and when to move out. I probably have more ideas for him at this point (how we do finances and how he should furnish etc) Of course I'm not going to help him with that but I'm just saying. I wonder if I should show him how we'd handle finances etc once he finds an apt so he can focus on finding an apartment... or am I helping him too much in my mind.. I like planning things! I can't help it wink


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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Feeling down today. The more I read his email he sent me last week the more I'm convinced he is done and wants to move out. The hardest part is he doesn't look/act like it at home. My perception of "done with somebody" would be he/she would not even want to see each other, talk each other or have dinner together..

If anyone has time to read my posts, please share your thoughts on LM. The literal 180 on that matter would be me initiating it but my H sleeps in a separate bedroom and I take the sign as "Don't even seduce me"

I've been doing good as far as improving myself - but once a day or so I have these moments when I feel really down. I was acting happy all morning and as soon as he went out now, I broke down on the floor.

I need strength.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
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Originally Posted By: stilllookingup

I wonder if I should show him how we'd handle finances etc once he finds an apt so he can focus on finding an apartment... or am I helping him too much in my mind.. I like planning things! I can't help it wink


I'm the same way. When W decided to move out I did a spreadsheet for myself to figure out if I could even afford my house or not. I also did a spreadsheet of W's expenses. I did go over it with her to show her how tight things were going to get and suggested she might want to tighten her belt on extras because of it (and told her I was going to have to do the same). I don't see any harm in you figuring out the finances and sharing it with him, just don't expect him to change his mind if things are going to be tight, because the WAS is convinced they'll figure out how to make it work even if you show them they can't.

Quote:
Feeling down today. The more I read his email he sent me last week the more I'm convinced he is done and wants to move out.


Just remember, that's how he feels right NOW. He may very well change his mind later, so don't be discouraged by that.

Quote:
The hardest part is he doesn't look/act like it at home. My perception of "done with somebody" would be he/she would not even want to see each other, talk each other or have dinner together..


My W was the same way before she moved out. We still did stuff together, got along great (better than before BD in fact) and were even ML. But she still moved out. So just enjoy it while he's there, but don't have any expectations that it means he's changing his mind, because he probably isn't yet.

Quote:
If anyone has time to read my posts, please share your thoughts on LM. The literal 180 on that matter would be me initiating it but my H sleeps in a separate bedroom and I take the sign as "Don't even seduce me"


I wouldn't push for it, it sounds like he doesn't want that right now. Let him initiate it if he chooses to, but otherwise let it go.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Journaling -

Last night's emotional breakdown was tough. I'm sure all the LBS (even WAS) must have their breakdown like that often.. I wonder how they deal with that. I just walked around the house not knowing how to cope with the sadness. Broke down on the floor and just cried for good 10 min or so. Before, when something like that happened I'd call my good friends but I'm really trying to refrain from it because I know what they are gonna say. "Get out, you deserve better" and that really affects my patience.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 260
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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
My W was the same way before she moved out. We still did stuff together, got along great (better than before BD in fact) and were even ML. But she still moved out. So just enjoy it while he's there, but don't have any expectations that it means he's changing his mind, because he probably isn't yet.


Us too. We get along great, like you said better than before BD because I'm much calmer and loving. I constantly have to remind myself to not have any expectations. I think because he's stayed until now I was beginning to think he may have changed his mind. Boy I was wrong.

You are so right about how WAS won’t be convinced about our positive changes in just a couple of months. I feel like these changes have now become my nature he can trust them. However I can’t say I don’t ever slip back to old habits. The way I interact with my friends I’m totally comfortable with is very similar to how I interacted with my H. My sense of humor was (is) mix of sarcasm and anger, and people found it funny when I was irritable with my H. My H and I would insult(tease) each other on fb (as jokes) and people loved it. I loved it too that we share such a quirky sense of humor and he seemed to enjoy it too.

What I didn’t know was that while the dynamic we created worked great as friends but didn’t work for our M. We’ve lost romantic feelings for each other and therefore our sex life suffered. I was always looking for “romance” and I didn’t understand why he couldn’t be romantic with me.

Going back to what I was saying: I should always remind myself to be kind and loving while maintaining my sense of humor; otherwise I’m just a mean person lol.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 260
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QUESTION, please share your thoughts...

Since I started DB-ing early Nov, I haven’t told/showed my H my feelings AT ALL and I don’t know if I’m doing this right.

I haven’t simply because I did not want to smother him with my emotions and wanted him to have his time and space.
When we sat down after D dropped, I poured out my feelings and said I now understand this and that. (I didn’t beg him to stay ) He didn’t say much and said “You talk like everything is going to be ok and I really don’t know” That moment, I knew I wasn’t giving him space for him to do the thinking on his own and my telling him my feelings was confusing him even more. Mind you at this time he wasn’t even interested in trial separation. It seemed like D was the only way to get out.

I was re-reading his email he sent me last week and I can’t help but to wonder if he knows my feelings for him and this marriage haven’t changed even a little bit? Of course I don’t want to tell him that I will be waiting but I wonder if I should let him know that this (D or S) is not what I want but I’m supporting your decisions (moving out) because I know it’s taking a toll on both of us. He didn’t mention D and only talked about moving out this time but I know I shouldn’t have expectations that he will consider R.

Because I try to look content at home I often wonder if he’s thinking if I’ve moved on or if I want to move on with my life w/o him.

I ask this because when we broke up before getting married, we were almost NC for 4 months. After 2 months in I said something like I’d be in your area but I wouldn’t want to see you (I only said that because I didn’t want him to think I was expecting something. I was still deeply in love with him.) Another 2 months passed and I was really going to be in his area but was not planning on letting him know. I ended up just mentioning it and he just wished me to have a safe flight. I was bummed and said “oh so you don’t wanna see me?” and he said “I thought you didn’t want to see me. Never mind then! When will you be here?!?” If I hadn’t said the last word, I still don’t know if we had ever gotten married.

Any thoughts?!?

Thank you


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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