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#2317477 01/24/13 09:31 PM
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My H and I are both in our mid-30’s, been married 8 and together over 12 years that included 3 years of long distance relationship across the ocean.

Last year was tough. We started trying for a baby and found out I had issues that required a surgery. After the surgery, I rushed big time to start an inf treatment right away because of my age. I started an inf treatment using injections and my hormones must have been out of control. In the middle of the treatment in July we were arguing about something and I was accusing him of how he doesn’t emotionally support me about this recurring issue we had. He completely broke down like I’d never seen and said we are not even in a healthy relationship to be having a baby. We sat down and talked but he just looked sad and distant. I had never seen him that sad. I completely admitted to my fault (which I’d almost never done before because I’m the kind of person in this relationship I always had to be right), promised him that I’d go to IC (which I made an appt within a week and gone quite few times) etc. We made up few nights later and we had an incredible intimate night. We stopped the treatment half way through. After that, things were going smoothly… or so I thought. I thought I was doing everything right after coming to a realization (i.e. initiating sex every Friday like it’s scheduled, planning mini trips for the weekends.)

He seemed to be happier at first but I noticed the sad face from time to time and I got rejected when initiated sex few times.I knew deep in my heart he was still hurt but I chose to think everything was getting better. I thought I came to a realization why he wasn’t happy, but the truth is I didn’t. I was so focusing on making up for my past actions that every new thing I was doing seemed forced/planned. (And I'm an incredibly organized person by nature) It may have looked to his eyes I was doing all that out of guilt only. The more change & effort I was making seemed to be making him even sadder. Another biggest mistake I made during this time was that I started showing him how sad I was about not getting preg anytime soon.

Fast forwarding to late Oct, his dad decided to divorce from his 4th wife of 15 years, which we had no idea about. His news did something to my H. He dropped D on me few days after, which completely shocked me. He told me he doesn’t expect the change to come overnight but he feels like his well-being is suffered. When we sat down together again he did tell me his dad telling us the news did something to his head. I really did NOT want to hear that. So our relationship will end because your dad’s action teaches you to leave your relationship when it’s in trouble? (I didn’t say that but that’s how I felt) He also said he felt we should not have a baby that will end up just like him (His parents divorced when he was little but he still remembers being passed around in parking lots etc) – it broke my heart. The first few weeks I did everything wrong. I asked him many questions, told him my feelings and tried to light up the situation and wanted him to see the light too. He was confused, he wasn’t ready and quite frankly I think he was already given up. He told me he feels weird around me, he feels different about me. I asked if he resents me badly and he said “no” really fast. He said he’s just really sad and he thinks he’s really damaged.

Around the time he removed his ring and started sleeping in the guest room.I was desperate. I was definitely not seeing any light like I did in July. I cried like I’d never have. My family and friends were worried and some of my friends strongly suggested that I should kick him out if he really wanted BD. My family (esp my mom) however opposed against the idea the whole time. My mom wanted me to be patient little longer. I was still going to ask him to leave because it was getting just too hard. On the day I was going to ask him, I changed my mind all of a sudden and decided to not ask him to leave.

After a couple of weeks of emotional hell, I snapped out of something and really started thinking about all this and myself. I started going for a walk alone, going to Starbucks alone, going shopping alone, taking Christmas pictures for my friends, working with animal rescue group etc. While spending lots of time to myself, I was able to really understand what he really wanted to tell me and what I chose to ignore in this relationship.

For the past 2 months, I really focused on changing myself. I think twice before I judge someone or something, before I say I don’t like something etc. Doing this has really helped me become calmer person. I was an extremely negative person before BD. I would even tell my H that I like to think everything negatively so if things don’t turn out the way I want, I wouldn’t be too disappointed. I mean… who wants to be around somebody like that? Now I think about it I must have been falling into a slight depression due to the baby issue. My whole family is in my mother country and I solely counted on my H for emotional support. Poor H, it was just too much for him.

Throughout the holiday, neither one of us brought up D or S. We went to his MIL on both TG and Christmas and had a good time. We were still sleeping in separate rooms but I’d make dinner on weekdays and we’d eat together, watched tv together, talked about other things, still went to eat out on almost every Friday night but just not going out together on weekends like we used to do all the time. He goes to his buddies house and I’d go work with a rescue group, go out with friends or just stayed home doing house work. Just few days ago he finally brought it up again saying he needs to continue on doing what he needs to do to be happy. He said it’s taking a toll on him by living like this, he felt distancing himself would help reinforce with me his feelings that he knows he’s doing the best thing for him and he’ll move out pretty soon. I still feel pretty desperate but strangely I feel somewhat relieved (?) to know something is actually going to happen. He’s right. It’s taking a toll on both of us. It was killing me to know know where his feelings were. Now I know he still wants to move out.

After knowing his feelings, it has become so much easier for me to kiss/hug him good night. For some reason I wasn’t scared of touching him anymore. Before I was too afraid to even touch him because I was afraid that I’d get rejected. I’d like to keep giving him a hug and a peck until he moves out but what I want him to know is that I’m supporting his decision all the way. The last thing I want him to think is that I started being physically affectionate because I want him to change his mind about leaving.

How can I be loving and still encourage him to move out?


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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I sound calm in my post but inside I'm a mess. I miss him so much but I'm DB-ing so I cry anywhere but home.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 477
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I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. It is very difficult for him to know how to be in a relationship with his role model. Talking to a DB coach will help you come up with a very specific plan on how to go forward and interact in a way that will bring him closer (and not push him further away) and allow you to have the opportunity to get through to him on a different level. Please don't walk away before you talk to a coach...you will get clarity on the best way to handle your situation. Take good care.


Karen, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
karen@divorcebusting.com

Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
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Thank you Karen, but I already work with one wink I can’t call him every day so I’m looking for additional support/advice here as well.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,144
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Sorry you find yourself here. Have you read DR yet? If so, how about the 5LL?

I think you are starting down the right track in taking a good hard look at yourself, seeing what you don't like and changing. That's really what's it's all about. What are your goals? What are your 180s?

With regards to family, they don't want to see you in pain so they always suggest getting out...it's the quickest way to end your pain in their mind. Careful of that advice. Typically, the recommendation is to basically let the WAS do all the work for D, don't bring it up, don't help them get there faster. Stay in the MBR (and the house!), don't push them to move out...let them decide how to proceed.

How young was your H when his parents D'd? I know that caused a lot of issues for me and my M. It's a path he has to walk alone and figure out, but if you can understand some of what he's going thru, it's easier to be supportive.


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
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I have read DR and 5LL but can't say I read it from start to finish really thoroughly. That's my mission this weekend.

My 180 so far:

Doing everything around the house from g shopping, laundry, cooking etc:
Even before DB, I would cook every night. The difference is that now I never ask for help. One of my biggest things with him before was how frustrated I was if he doesn't help me in the kitchen. We both work full-time and I tidy up the house before I leave for work but still have to get to cooking as soon as I get home and he's at his computer. Also, we would ALWAYS ALWAYS go to grocery shopping together. For some reason I never liked shopping alone and I always went home first instead of stopping by at a market on the way home, ask my H to get ready and go to market together. I remember he mentioned once "How did you do this when you were living alone?" He was so right. How did I do this alone? I did live alone in a foreign county and did everything on my own. I even loaded the big heavy futon from IKEA into my car alone and brought it home myself.
Anyway, now I don't ask for help at all. Interestingly enough, now he comes to ask if I need help almost every time I cook.
As for g shopping, I go on my way home and I save so much time doing this. I can't believe I used to go home first, get him and get out. ugh.

Being more lady-like around the house:
I'm not gonna go into details but let's just say we had gotten so comfortable I forgot that I was living with a man that I wanted to seduce. I was acting like more like a sister. Now I do all the personal work out of his sight.

Getting out of the house:
My H always brought up how I don't have friends and I used to get so furious. I would fight back saying I had MANY many friends back home, how he doesn't know how hard it is to be in a different country and make new friends that you can totally be yourself with... but the truth is I never gave new people a chance. Luckily people find me likable and I have many good friends at work that truly care about me. I even had a few people at stores/restaurants that we go to liked me that they wanted to hang out with me but that's when I completely shut out. I liked the idea but always went back to "nah I'd rather spend more time with my H" If I don't give them a chance, how can I find somebody I can be good friends with? Now I'm reaching out to those people who wanted to hang out with me in the first place.

Doing something for others:
Before it was all about me when it comes to weekends. I always wanted to do something with H whether it was just a window shopping or going to amusement parks. If I could I would schedule seeing my best friend when he has a plan with his friends so I wouldn't miss my time with him. Gosh how dependent I was of him. I've always wanted to do some kind of volunteer work but never did because my time was more important. Now I help a local cat rescue organization every Sunday and help out whenever they need me for emergency shift. The work I do is definitely not glamorous or openly appreciated because it's the hidden work that supports the organization but it makes me feel ever better doing something like this to help those kitties be adopted.

I know I have more 180 I do but I have to get ready for work!
Again, as much as it hurts that we are in this situation, I'm almost glad that this happened because I would NEVER be where I am now taking a good hard look at myself.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Nov 2012
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Originally Posted By: Breakdown
With regards to family, they don't want to see you in pain so they always suggest getting out...it's the quickest way to end your pain in their mind. Careful of that advice.

Yes I'm currently really limiting myself to talk about details to my family and friends that care about me. I have to stick to my guts.

Originally Posted By: Breakdown
Typically, the recommendation is to basically let the WAS do all the work for D, don't bring it up, don't help them get there faster. Stay in the MBR (and the house!), don't push them to move out...let them decide how to proceed.

Should I not even say something like "How is the apartment seach going?" The last time we talked I told him to just let me know the availability of an apt he finds and we'll work out budget. I thought maybe mentioning something like that would tell him that I do validate and respect his decisions and I'm supporting them. I love searching anything (looking for a handyman, apartment, houses etc) but he, not so much.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,144
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Originally Posted By: stilllookingup
Should I not even say something like "How is the apartment seach going?" The last time we talked I told him to just let me know the availability of an apt he finds and we'll work out budget. I thought maybe mentioning something like that would tell him that I do validate and respect his decisions and I'm supporting them. I love searching anything (looking for a handyman, apartment, houses etc) but he, not so much.


Do you want to stay married or no? If you do, that's one decision I wouldn't support. You can still be respectful, but I wouldn't be helping him find a place, or move, or D unless that's what you want. Ideally, you want to stay in the same house as long as possible so he can start to see the new you and you want to postpone D as long as possible so he has time to work thru his own issues.


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
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Originally Posted By: stilllookingup
I liked the idea but always went back to "nah I'd rather spend more time with my H"


I hear you. That has been my mode of operation for a long long time. I actually turned down sushi with my W the other night to go hang with my B....it was so hard! But, I've always been available to her so I'm trying to do less of that.

And you don't have to necessarily find a new friend right out...just try new things. I went to a wine tasting by myself last night and while I was a little uncomfortable at first (my W is the more social of the two of us), I ended up having a blast and got a nice ego boost from the fact so many women found me interesting.


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
Joined: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted By: stilllookingup

After a couple of weeks of emotional hell, I snapped out of something and really started thinking about all this and myself. I started going for a walk alone, going to Starbucks alone, going shopping alone, taking Christmas pictures for my friends, working with animal rescue group etc. While spending lots of time to myself, I was able to really understand what he really wanted to tell me and what I chose to ignore in this relationship.


OK, well all this sounds really good!

Quote:
For the past 2 months, I really focused on changing myself. I think twice before I judge someone or something, before I say I don’t like something etc. Doing this has really helped me become calmer person. I was an extremely negative person before BD. I would even tell my H that I like to think everything negatively so if things don’t turn out the way I want, I wouldn’t be too disappointed.


I can relate, I was like this as well. It sounds like you're doing a good job of 180's though. Just understand that it takes months of 180's before your spouse will believe they're not just done as tricks to get him back. Stick with them.

Quote:
and I solely counted on my H for emotional support. Poor H, it was just too much for him.


If you want another book for your list, check out Codependent No More. I think you'll know why I'm suggesting it just by reading the title.

Quote:
He said it’s taking a toll on him by living like this, he felt distancing himself would help reinforce with me his feelings that he knows he’s doing the best thing for him and he’ll move out pretty soon.


Sometimes separation is needed for the real healing to begin.

Quote:
How can I be loving and still encourage him to move out?


It's his decision to make. Don't encourage or discourage him, just tell him you support him in whatever decision he makes, that you want him to be happy. If you've read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" this is what he refers to as opening the cage door. Your H feels trapped, so you want him to know he's free to go if he chooses.

Quote:
Should I not even say something like "How is the apartment seach going?" The last time we talked I told him to just let me know the availability of an apt he finds and we'll work out budget.


It's OK to ask. You don't want to apply pressure, but things like this are just info, not really pressure. I asked W for an update now and then just so I'd know when she was leaving.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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