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#2312308 01/06/13 05:08 AM
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Ok here goes.

My husband of 10 years filed for divorce a month ago 12/5/12
We have 2 sons, ages 4 and 8. I am a SAHM..(I do work part-time from home) We are not separated and going to therapy....but....

Backing things up--late August, he said he was unhappy, felt trapped, wanted to pursue outside interests, have less housework and home responsibilities, didn't love me any more, and wanted to go to counseling. He had gone twice on his own and asked me if I would go on my own before going together. I did--the counselor said that he thought we had more good than bad...and 6 sessions would be enough to get us back on track. After that H didn't follow up--didn't like that response I guess.

I was so suprised--though we weren't really connected, we have an active happy family life, and we don't argue or fight. (problem!) Any conflict or problem we might have, he usually just expresses no preference, agrees with me or if he does oppose, backs down easily and with a smile. He basically does anything to avoid conflict or distress. H is the kind of guy who never gets mad, almost always seems in a pleasant mood, such a "nice guy".

I had long ago gotten used to being neglected, and a low priority to him....he's pretty independent/isolated, has no friends, no close relationships (not even with his parents), he is friendly with my girlfriends' husbands, and enjoys socializing, but doesn't make friends of his own. Prefers computer games, going to the gym, playing the guitar on his own.

Over the years I have been disappointed, moody, complaining, begging for attention and expecting him to make me happy. 2 years ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer and became consumed with her care as she got worse and died 8 months later. I was overwhelmed with taking care of my then 2-year-old and kindergartener, my mom, the house...everything...but came out of this experience realizing life was short and I was responsible for my own happiness. So I slowly began to change-- I forgave my husband (in my mind...) for all of his neglect and insensitivity and felt great! Started to appreciate him and was grateful for him.

Anyway--when H requested the freedom, and the counseling, I was immediately game, and excited for it. So began what I thought were the 4 best months of my married life. We were talking more, the sex was great and much more frequent, H explored new interests, was appreciative of my taking over all of the housework to give him some down time, we were physically very affectionate...

Then out of the blue that morning of 12/5/12 H says he is going to file for divorce that day, and that he has been "faking" everything for the past few months, he is done lying and trying to please me. He is miserable, and my resentment and anger over the years had affected him to the point that he feels like he's going to have a heart attack from stress. Agrees that everything has been harmonious and improved for the past few months, that I am a different person in many ways, and acknowledges that he believes I am committed to continued improvements, yet he can't let go of my past anger and resentment.

He was planning on leaving that day...but I convinced him to consider the boys...I think he hadn't thought things through...and he stayed...slept in the basement. We found a counselor we both like and have been going to him for several weeks. H says that he cannot see a full restoration of the marriage, he is willing to be open to that, but it is very unlikely, he really does want OUT.

He also confided to me that over the years he has been self-harming himself by punching himself and cutting his ankles with a knife to relieve his emotional pain. I do remember him having to go for x-rays on his hand which was not healing but he said it was a gym injury.

I feel deeply compassionate for his pain, and want above all else to save this marriage for the sake of our sons, and for the sake of ourselves. Right now we are focusing on his angre and resentment towards me in counseling...and building communication skills. I have always dreamed of a great relationship with him---and here I was thinking we were finally getting there...

So here is a rundown of where we are:

-we are going to weekly counseling
-H is in the house
-we are talking and doing things as a family
-H kisses me hello goodbye, goodnight, hugs too--whether kids around or not
-H says he doesn't want to send mixed messages, or raise my hopes...wants to be honest
-My birthday was 1 week after he filed for D. a few days before--he asked if I managed to get the sitter so we could go out to dinner as planned. I was super confused. Said why? I said I wanted him to be honest, not do things out of obligation--and said he did not have to get me a present, that I would understand. We did not go out to dinner but H got me a present and said he enjoyed doing it.
-I bought xmas presents (before the D filed) for H and bought some for myself and said that he was not obligated to buy me anything, I would have presents under the tree already, and be thrilled with them. H went out and bought me 4-5 little things anyway. very well-chosen and thoughtful gifts.
--New Year's eve we went out with friends, came home, drank champagne together, and H got up walked across the room and kissed me very sweetly at midnight.
--we sit together at night watching tv, chatting, share meals together, laugh with the kids, sharing our days, take them places, go out with friends as if nothing is amiss--then he kisses me goodnight before he goes down in the basement to sleep.
--over xmas he slept in our bed for "the kids" no sex or anything else.
--he sleeps in our bed on the weekends for the same reason.
--he doesn't think therapy will work.
--he lies quite a lot--hiding things--saying my angry reaction makes him lie. I don't trust him.
--I caught him in a few lies and confronted him gently kindly and with compassion, no yelling or tears, he lied anyway...finally came clean...and he said my reaction was very good--didn't cause him stress..
he appreciated it.
--no OW but has developed an online friendship with a happily married friend. She shares his sense of humor and "gets" him in a way I don't he says.

I was supposed to reply or respond to the divorce complaint by today or in the next few days. I told him I would not agree to divorce. Period. He can get a divorce anyway in our state if he pushes it through...he said that he would not be doing that. He said there is no "time limit" but he wouldn't push it through unless we had a huge fight--and he would let me know--I asked him--no more bombshells, and he agreed...but he would not be cancelling the divorce complaint. In six months if he doesn't pursue it further, it cancels itself.

Some days I think we are progressing...we talk, do exercises the therapist suggests, practice better communication skills...but he says it's not enough. We are harmonious, friendly, and cooperative. He texts me and messages me from work every day. Yet he does not love me. Says being married to me would be platonic at best...yet says he is open to the possibility of something more...not optimistic though.

Some days I see we have no hope at all. H says he respects, admires, likes, and appreciates me as a friend, mother, person--but he does not love me and probably never did and doesn't want anything from me.

Would like to coparent in a positive manner. The divorce outlined his wishes to see the boys here at the house every day for dinner as a family and tuck them into bed then he'd go "home" and have them every other weekend. I did say that I didn't see him being in my house for 3-4 hours every weekday living as a family being a realistic outcome. He said "okay" but seemed sad.

I have read Divorce Remedy--I don't even know what to do. I am very active socially and have my own life o utside of the marriage, I have a "life". we are not fighting and we are talking a lot and getting along. But he is not committed to saving the marriage...he is going for the kids on the splinter of hope he might change his mind, but he doubts it.

I range from devastated to terrified to numb. Mostly numb. Some days hopeful. H says he is depressed.

What on earth do I do now? I am Confused beyond belief...

sorry this is rambling and disjointed. I did my best.

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I know my post was long! it bored even me, and I was the one who wrote it...but I will write a little more in hopes that someone might have some insight. I wonder sometimes if we are piecing things together because H is still here, we are still talking, going to therapy, friendly, or if it is just him going through the motions...waiting to make his move?

Last week when I was cleaning up I found the documentation for a newly-opened bank account hidden (not very well) behind a stack of books that needed to be put back on the shelf. He has opened an account in only his name. I asked him if he had anything to share with me? He had promised not to deceive or sneak around or betray me. He said--no...and then when he went downstairs and saw that everything was cleaned up he realized...I asked him if he remembered anything and he said--yes and told me about the account. I asked him if he was planning on transferring money (he cashed in some stocks overseas) to the account and he said maybe eventually. Over the course of the next few days he admitted that he already began doing this. I said that it was unethical to take our money and put it in his name, and he agreed--but felt that "our" money was "my" money. I said he was wrong.

I realize that he feels so ready to flee that he has to have his safety net. I realize that he loathes deep conversations--he feels like he's going to have a heart attack--and we had a very good conversation. I still think he's being unfair but I understand where he is coming from. We have decided to keep things light except for two scheduled 1-hour appointments with an agenda to talk about heavier things...(plus therapy=3 times) This means I can't ramble on and on (who me?) and we keep to the point. It is hard for me to keep my mouth shut for so long, but it gives him space and me time to think before I just pour my heart out.

It seems like progress. slow. that's on my good days.

On my bad days my mind goes racing. He has betrayed me and lied to me so many times that I don't believe a word he s ays and then I feel like a lunatic.

hard times.

any thoughts?

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Originally Posted By: TigWinkle

I was so suprised--though we weren't really connected, we have an active happy family life, and we don't argue or fight.


So many of us can relate to this. We thought we had great, maybe even perfect marriages right up until BD. But our spouses clearly didn't think that. So first, you have to forget what you thought about the marriage and now try to look at it from his angle. He hasn't been happy for quite some time. You need to figure out why and do 180's on those issues.

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Over the years I have been disappointed, moody, complaining, begging for attention and expecting him to make me happy.


Unfortunately this probably drove him away. There is a book called 5 Love Languages, it might give you some insight as to how you could have handled things differently to rebuild the love. Chances are that he too was sitting there expecting you to start making him happy some day. And while both of you sat and waited, you just grew further and further apart.

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So began what I thought were the 4 best months of my married life. We were talking more, the sex was great and much more frequent, H explored new interests, was appreciative of my taking over all of the housework to give him some down time, we were physically very affectionate...


Something similar happened in my sitch. After BD I thought we were growing closer and stronger day by day, but every time we went to the MC my W would say "I just don't want to try." It was perplexing to me because it seemed like she was trying very hard! All I can say to you is don't underestimate just how done he is with the marriage. All the stuff you're trying isn't going to change his mind. Only HE can change his mind, and to do that he's going to need time and space.

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Agrees that everything has been harmonious and improved for the past few months, that I am a different person in many ways, and acknowledges that he believes I am committed to continued improvements, yet he can't let go of my past anger and resentment.


This is actually good, because if he is acknowledging you've changed, then when you give him time and space he is going to be thinking about the new you, not the old you. So you're in a good position. You just need to quit the pressuring.

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He was planning on leaving that day...but I convinced him to consider the boys...I think he hadn't thought things through...and he stayed...slept in the basement.


This is going to be tough to hear, but if he talks about leaving again then you need to let him. You might read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough, it dovetails well with DR. The WAS feels caged in by the LBS, and they want out of the cage. So the LBS must open the cage door. It's the WAS's choice whether to fly or not, but the LBS cannot and should not stop them because it's pressure. You don't have to agree with him, but you do have to support him. IE, your response should be "I want you to stay so we can work on the marriage, but if you think leaving will make you happy then I support your decision."

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He also confided to me that over the years he has been self-harming himself by punching himself and cutting his ankles with a knife to relieve his emotional pain.


This is NOT normal behavior. He should talk to a counselor about this (not an MC).

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-H says he doesn't want to send mixed messages, or raise my hopes...wants to be honest


Same thing my W kept saying.

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--we sit together at night watching tv, chatting, share meals together, laugh with the kids, sharing our days, take them places, go out with friends as if nothing is amiss--then he kisses me goodnight before he goes down in the basement to sleep.


Again, don't read anything into it. He is done. You've got to back off of all the pressuring activities and give him a serious amount of time and space.

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--he doesn't think therapy will work.


It likely won't, you might even suggest to him that you quit going. He's just viewing it as unwanted pressure.

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I have read Divorce Remedy--I don't even know what to do. I am very active socially and have my own life o utside of the marriage, I have a "life".


That's good, you're a bit ahead of the game. But he is not getting time and space. That's critical. That means you've got to detach.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted By: TigWinkle

Over the years I have been disappointed, moody, complaining, begging for attention and expecting him to make me happy.


Then out of the blue that morning of 12/5/12 H says he is going to file for divorce that day, and that he has been "faking" everything for the past few months, he is done lying and trying to please me. He is miserable, and my resentment and anger over the years had affected him to the point that he feels like he's going to have a heart attack from stress. Agrees that everything has been harmonious and improved for the past few months, that I am a different person in many ways, and acknowledges that he believes I am committed to continued improvements, yet he can't let go of my past anger and resentment.


It sounds like he didn't know how to make you happy. A big turn off for a man. And he still doesn't know how to make you happy. I'm guilty of the same behavior, by the way. My guess is it will take some time for him to start feeling comfortable with you, provided you are doing the right things.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Stander...Thank You so much for your comments and insights. Before this happened, there was a shift in me, as I said, when my mom died, I realized life is very short too short to be so unhappy so I forgave him and have been living a blameless lifesince then. Forgiving him (though he never apologized nor did I verbalize it) gave me the freedome to be grateful for him. I sort of "gave up" on him and my expectation for him to make me happy, and I made myself happy. too little too late I guess for him...I haven't felt resentment or bitterness towards him for a long time.

I have the 5 Love Languages (love it!) and read it with H 10 years + ago, I am aware of what he likes and vice versa--we just were too resentful of one another to care to put it into action as much as we should have done. I have been doing it much more over the past year...and in our glorious honeymoon period a few months ago--we were very in tune with this--but he said he was "faking it" and didn't love me or ever did.

That is VERY interesting about keeping the cage door open--thank you for sharing that. Tonight I actually challenged him by saying--if you want to go so bad then, what are you waiting for? I can only assume if you're here, it's work on the relationship.. if not, let's not drag it out...and he said--I am not ready to leave yet. I don't want to go.

Confusing!

also, he has returned to our bed. Why? who knows. I don't take it to mean anything positive.

Detaching is hard. I will have to think more about that. I give him plenty of space. He chooses to sit where I am. I started leaving the living room to spend time up in the bedroom on my own. Now he's there, too.

Thank you for sharing the similarities between us. I wish you lots of luck.

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Thank you Bright Future for your insights. H knew very well how to make me happy. I told him very clearly and gave him positive feedback when he did things that I liked. He CHOSE not to do these things out of anger and resentment. This is what H told me.

I don't know if I am doing the right thing, but I am friendly, happy, and respect his boundaries. He hates lots of talking so I keep things light. It's tricky because of the therapy...but it was his idea originally, and he really seems to like it...so we go and hope for the best. The exercises are useful and in some ways we are making progress.

But then again...who knows? he LIES so much. I never thought much of a Facebook friend he had, but now have discovered that their friendship is deeper--at least on his side. He kept it secret from me--she is happily married and lives halfway across the country, has no idea that I didn't know they were friends. I told him it was an emotional affair and he said he never thought about it that way, and agreed that maybe it was. Said he would end it. I asked him why--if he wanted to leave--just leave and keep the friendship for support. And he said--no, he wanted to end the friendship anyway. couldn't tell me why. but there you go.

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Originally Posted By: TigWinkle

and in our glorious honeymoon period a few months ago--we were very in tune with this--but he said he was "faking it" and didn't love me or ever did.


It's a shame he thinks that way. It's pretty common for WAS's to "rewrite history", usually they didn't really feel that way at the time but he's not lying, he has convinced himself that he was faking it even though he probably wasn't. DR goes into this, don't try to convince him otherwise because it'll just backfire. Many people will drag out photo albums and retell old stories to convince the WAS that they really were happy, but they're in a fog and won't believe it. Sometimes the fog eventually lifts and they start remembering how things really were, but it can take a long time before that happens.

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That is VERY interesting about keeping the cage door open--thank you for sharing that. Tonight I actually challenged him by saying--if you want to go so bad then, what are you waiting for? I can only assume if you're here, it's work on the relationship.. if not, let's not drag it out...and he said--I am not ready to leave yet. I don't want to go.


Good! That's what you should do. Dobson says that often when the LBS opens the cage door, when the WAS looks out they're not so sure they want that "freedom" after all. That may be what happened. Just leave the door open now. If he brings up leaving then tell him you understand and support his decision. He'll probably keep bringing it up to "test the waters" for a while, kind of a temperature check to see where you are.

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also, he has returned to our bed. Why? who knows. I don't take it to mean anything positive.


It's a good sign, but you're right in not trying to read anything into it. Michele says that when there are "baby steps" like that then just celebrate them internally and keep your DB'ing up externally.

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Detaching is hard. I will have to think more about that. I give him plenty of space. He chooses to sit where I am. I started leaving the living room to spend time up in the bedroom on my own. Now he's there, too.


That's OK, detaching just means giving him space. If he chooses to close the gap then don't feel like you need to run away. Just don't pursue him.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

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Thank you so much once again for your thoughts and feedback, AnotherStander. What does your username mean by the way?

We had therapy on Saturday. H has a MAJOR problem with dishonesty and communication--avoids big emotions by lying, agreeing, acquiesing to my wishes (without letting on he is doing that...and now it shows up by him having "heart attack" like pains in his chest if we are talking about something tough. Therapist called it a panic attack and H agreed.

I asked if we could move to a solutions-based therapy instead of hashing over the past so much, and he agreed...but H has to want to do that--and H said that he not only doesn't love me, he doesn't like me. Ouch.

At the end, T asked if we were coming back next week and H said, "YES!" I said--what is the point? H looked sort of surprised--and I said--fine, we need to work on trust whether we are together or not--I will be here.

So Sunday I planned a day to give him his space--and told H that I would be going for a walk with my friend, and then coming back to take the boys out for the rest of the day. H could go to the gym or chill out or just anything. He had said he was all wound up from the session. My friend had to reschedule, so I was ready to take the boys earlier--and told him I was planning to take them out to a wolf sanctuary--and he said he would love to go...I said--you do know that I was planning on taking the boys--and he said he wanted to go with us. I said--sure, but you do realize that I will be there, right? smiling...and he said--yes--you misunderstood. We had a REALLY nice time, went out to dinner, and talked and laughed at home when we got home. a lovely fun family day.

The drama continues. Regarding the emotional affair FB friend I mentioned earlier--on Friday H decided to tell her that she couldn't contact him any more. I have been asking the nature of their relationship and he has lied many times about it. I am not sure what I believe, but she does live 1000 miles away and is happily married so I tend to believe that it was light and fun and an ego boost for H. Today she called H and accused ME

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