So I guess I didn't do very well. I was hopeful but he moved his stuff out today after not being here for 3 nights. I believe he is back with the OW. He moved out the first time exactly 6 months ago to the day. I'm distraught again and feeling that same awful feeling I did 6 months ago. So now what, when I stop crying. He had told me he was seeing if I did change but it was all bunk if you ask me. I'm hurt and so sad again. I was doing great and I thought DB'ing good. He showed the interest and met me in AC. When he was caught that changed everything. So in 3 1/2 weeks I've bee very up and extremely down. I don't have the head right now to figure out what's next. It's holiday time and it [censored].
M-59 H-58 2 S, 1 D 2 Gr. Ch. T 20 YRS M 17 YRS ILYBINILWY 4/21/12 Caught H and OW 5/25/12 H Left 6/5/12
"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
So here it is, a couple of days later and I think I'm thinking better than I did. No matter how much this hurts again I will do my best at not getting in touch with him and working on my own life again! This 4 week fiasco was not in the plan and it put my efforts back, but I will not compromise anymore what I believe to be the best thing for me first, both of us second. Since he's so involved with this OW again, I have no choice but to let them be and go through their own course....again. She threw him out twice already in 6 months because of his attention to me, but I can't deny that it was his choice to return to her.
I appreciate the bit of advice I've received here and am thankful for the books with this good advice. I'll make the holidays ok for me and my family!
M-59 H-58 2 S, 1 D 2 Gr. Ch. T 20 YRS M 17 YRS ILYBINILWY 4/21/12 Caught H and OW 5/25/12 H Left 6/5/12
"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
Monday morning....I can't help but think that last weekend was so nice with him and now he's back with that OW again. How could I let this happen again? This time of year, which is my favorite, and the fact that he left AGAIN has got me in such a funk! I should have never let him come here when she threw him out. He was sleeping with me, sometimes, and I guess he was working his way back to her. I think its because she has so much. Lives in a 5000 sq. ft. home. We live in a 2 bedroom rental. But we had family and grandkids and I can't understand how he could be so materialistic, which is what I totally believe. He'll tell me that's not true but I don't believe he really loves her. So do I just switch off and just not contact him anymore except if necessary? I believe that's the ONLY thing that I can do at this time. I'm figuring that this time he may get the divorce papers together. I say let him do that....let him have this on his conscience. I'm still not believing I let him do this 2X in 6 months to me.
M-59 H-58 2 S, 1 D 2 Gr. Ch. T 20 YRS M 17 YRS ILYBINILWY 4/21/12 Caught H and OW 5/25/12 H Left 6/5/12
"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
OK well until you are able to break the cycle you are doomed to continue to repeat it. This is hard stuff. Nothing is ever as it seems and it is so counterintuitve. Go back to your detachment and be kind to your self.
First thing is to know that you are only human and all of us make mistakes.
Yeah, I'm trying to take care of myself. Its so hard though when you know you were taken advantage of and lied to while he was scheming to get back with the OW. And that this is Christmas makes it all the more harder. I had even suggested that we go somewhere on New Year's. I just feel so dumb and duped.
But on a nicer note I'm going on Friday to Radio City Music Hall to see the Christmas Show with the rest of the family; my children and grandkids. We'll see the tree at Rockefeller Center and it should be a decent day. Too bad there are idiots in this world. Just sayin'
M-59 H-58 2 S, 1 D 2 Gr. Ch. T 20 YRS M 17 YRS ILYBINILWY 4/21/12 Caught H and OW 5/25/12 H Left 6/5/12
"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
So its almost the end of the year and I'm not feeling any better about anything. I haven't spoken to H since 12/5 and I'm having doubts that anything good will ever come of this DB'ing. I'm missing him terribly but have the smarts to know that I have to let him go and do what he has to with the OW. I guess its the holidays that have gotten to me. Some days are ok and then there are some days that I'm just sad from morning to night.
I don't know how to be detached but still around so that he knows I exist. We don't have kids that are young that he has to call me about. He just can call them. And he's paying the bills without ever talking to me. I'm trying to be strong but I guess today is one of those days that I feel this whole journey is hopeless. Is this a common feeling even for those whose marriages came back? I'm still hoping that my marriage will come around, or should I say that H will come around.
I guess its one of those days.
M-59 H-58 2 S, 1 D 2 Gr. Ch. T 20 YRS M 17 YRS ILYBINILWY 4/21/12 Caught H and OW 5/25/12 H Left 6/5/12
"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
