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Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
He left a letter w/the D papers saying that it was the hardest thing he had to do in life and that he hoped that I find happiness even if it's with someone else.


Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
We were supposed to set up times to talk about the division of property and what would be submitted to the court but he has cancelled all of the "meetings" and I didn't follow up after the last cancel.


The above two comments make it sound like he does not want to proceed with the D. If I were you I would just keep doing what you're doing- remain "dark" (do not contact him) and do nothing to further along the D. Leave it in his court. He may very well not pursue it.

Quote:
I don't know what to do. Everyday that goes by hurts because of not knowing.


But staying dark is the best thing you can do right now. You need to give H time and space to think. He is going through a lot of turmoil, the last thing you want to do is anything that might drive him away or convince him D is the right thing. And if you do talk to him or see him, try very hard to show him nothing but a positive, happy, content you. Be attractive, not needy. Remember what you were like when he fell for you and try to be THAT person.

Quote:
I want to have hope, but I don't want to be a fool either.


Having hope is not foolish. Standing for your marriage is not foolish. Read the threads here, there many amazing, intelligent people here who have been standing for months and even years. Why do they do it? Hope. And to make themselves better people whether they reconcile or not.

Quote:
I'm like a zombie most of the time, just going through the motions of the day to day. Eating, sleeping, working, an occasional forced smile so that my coworkers feel comfortable.


How long has this been going on? If months, then talk to your PCP and consider A/D's. Sometimes they're needed to get us out of the slump and back to a PMA. It is critical to have a PMA, your H will not be attracted back to a depressed, needy you.

Quote:
But there's a void, an emptiness, I don't feel life... kind of pathetic when i type it out....it's the truth though.


That's nearly a textbook description of depression.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Oct 2012
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Hi Heartbroken5,

I can hear you and feel your pain. I don't have the answers and am to new to this to give advice, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I too feel like a zombie some days, swimming in mud and just trying to get to the end of the da. Other times I find myself in denial. I think the most important thing is to try and my god I know it's hard, but to stay healthy. I know for me it's doubly hard to cope when I am feeling tired, sick and run down. The emotions have the power to take over then and we lose the strength to DB. Do something that makes you smile if you can and try try try to be in the present. Don't look at photo's, letters etc, don't dwell on your memories or plans for the future and have hope.

Take care and I hope you have a brighter day tomorrow. smile

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Talked to him via phone last night. He's getting things drawn up in order to finalize the D. Mentioned he was busy with work and have been traveling a lot. He moved a friend into the house (a male - former coworker) and said that they may be making thanksgiving dinner. He asked if I was sick because I sounded a little congested. I told him that I was. He asked about work and I did the same. It was very awkward. He sounds really good and happy. He mentioned that he didn't really call me for business, I said okay but I kept steering the conversation that way. He asked if I could meet him today or Wednesday. I said those days were not good for me, thinking that I didn't want to accommodate his schedule because he canceled on me numerous times. He mentioned that he would be traveling for thanksgiving with his father. I fought back all of the tears and the word that would have come flooding out. I thanked him for the call and wished him goodnight. I really wanted to get off as fast as I could. It worked, but I tell you what, I felt like a bag of poop after. This sadness came over me so heavy and strong. I cried and got angry that he's moving on. I want to move on too. I don't want to be this big bag of emotion. I have no plans for this holiday, I'm forcing myself to go volunteer at the shelter something that I ALWAYS wanted to do for Thanksgiving. I hope that I can get the strength to do so. I started working out, cooking, watching tv and laughing. But that call really crushed all of my progress. I've also got a road trip planned to go to Austin on Friday afternoon - a last minute thing. Something to force myself to let my hair down and GAL... I'm not sure. As I mentioned the call really crushed me.


Heartbroken5
Me:38|H:40
Together: 10 years
Married:5
BD: May 2013
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So H sends a copy of the 1st draft of the final decree last night via email. I replied that I received it and asked if I should reach out to the "preparer" (a female coworker) regarding any changes/modifications and if "she" would be representing him as legal counsel. He advised that he does not have representation and that I could in fact contact her. My response last night, was "okay, thanks!” This morning he send an email saying, "Did I do something wrong or did I upset you?” I fought as hard as I could not to send an emotional reply...but don't you think that was a stupid question? I don't want a divorce, of course you upset me with this and yes you not wanting to fight for our marriage is wrong... typing that here feels better. But no, my reply was... No, not at all. I apologize if I have given you a reason to think so. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, send my love to your parents, and enjoy your trip. I have wanted to cry out so much but I'm at work and I have got to hold it together. I don’t know how I am going to make it. People have been giving me all this advice to just move on, live, etc… Every time I get a second wind, like I can go on, this happens.


Heartbroken5
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Married:5
BD: May 2013
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Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
I really wanted to get off as fast as I could. It worked, but I tell you what, I felt like a bag of poop after. This sadness came over me so heavy and strong. I cried and got angry that he's moving on. I want to move on too.


Sorry to hear you're going through this pain right now! I wish I could say something to make it go away, but only time will do that. It does get better, but it takes time. Some people more than others.

Quote:
I have no plans for this holiday, I'm forcing myself to go volunteer at the shelter something that I ALWAYS wanted to do for Thanksgiving.


That's an awesome idea! I didn't have any plans either, my MIL invited me to her house along with W and our kids but frankly I could use less time around W. So I went for a nice long motorcycle ride, flew some R/C planes and had an impressive dinner of oatmeal and a banana, LOL! I actually enjoyed being alone though!

Quote:
I started working out, cooking, watching tv and laughing. But that call really crushed all of my progress.


That's great GAL stuff. And you will hit setbacks now and then, just keep pushing forward. The setbacks will affect you less and less as time goes on.

Quote:
I've also got a road trip planned to go to Austin on Friday afternoon - a last minute thing.


Ah, a fellow Texan smile I'm in the Dallas area. My brother lives near Austin.

Quote:
I fought as hard as I could not to send an emotional reply...but don't you think that was a stupid question? I don't want a divorce, of course you upset me with this and yes you not wanting to fight for our marriage is wrong... typing that here feels better. But no, my reply was... No, not at all. I apologize if I have given you a reason to think so. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, send my love to your parents, and enjoy your trip.


You did great on your response! Good job on keeping emotions out of it.

Quote:
I have wanted to cry out so much but I'm at work and I have got to hold it together. I don’t know how I am going to make it.


Go home, lock the bedroom door and let it all out. I did that a lot early on. Can't remember the last time I cried now though. Oh, actually I can. It was the first time my W got the kids on visitation. That was two months ago though. Now that I'm settled into the "new normal" I'm fine. You will be too. Don't fight the grief, let it out. Stick with your GAL activities. You'll feel better day by day.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Here's what jumps out at me, he drinks a lot and sometimes he stays out late or doesn't come home at all.

Are these things still problems for you?

If so, how is getting back together going to work for either of you?

He's 38, what are the chances his behavior will change?

Have you ever thought of AlAnon? You might want to check into it.

Work on you, let him go.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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I know it's not as simple as that but it what you have to think about every day when you wake up. Let him go.

This place will help you with that, AlAnon will help you with that.

But don't give up things that are important to you in an attempt to keep a R going.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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I always think of that stupid saying-so overused lol! "If it comes back, it's yours.."

But I always think that saying needs a little help. Not begging or asking, but strength. YOu need to look after you to gain the strength you need to effectively deal with situation.

We are all here and have all been heartbroken or still are. Everyday you get up is a victory, every sunrise every sunset. Make it a challenge to do one thing to get your a$$ out of the house every day...Run? Class? Dinner? Doesn't matter. Try something new, I know it $ucks and I know you think of H, but you have to know that it comes in increments; 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there, and OMG? Did you just have a good time?

Hang in, am walking beside you smile

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Thank you all for the responses. This is a wonderful place to be. I'm glad I was lead to this site. I went to Austin and had a great time! I treated myself to a really nice downtown hotel, saw the city, met a few people. It was great! Being away from it all allowed me to just let go. It's crazy because I felt great until it was time for me to head back. I got home and got sad again. It was almost like I was wishing that H could see me. The emotions that I'm experiencing is now anger. It's hard, but I'm not giving up. I want to be happy, I want to GAL! But I also want love and companionship. At my age I worry that I will never find it again. Most men in my age group, are married, divorced and don't want to remarry, have kids don't want more, etc. It's just I want a family, my own family.... Now Christmas time is upon me, another hard thing to deal with... oh well, it is what it is.


Heartbroken5
Me:38|H:40
Together: 10 years
Married:5
BD: May 2013
No children
Joined: Nov 2012
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You are right. I'm having a hard time dealing I must say. I'm seeing a counselor weekly to talk things out. You are right. I'm going to look in taking yoga classes to help me with the stress. I appreciate you ruby!


Heartbroken5
Me:38|H:40
Together: 10 years
Married:5
BD: May 2013
No children
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