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#2297888 11/09/12 03:56 AM
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Hello,

How should I begin? I think everyone knows why I am here. I am in the middle of a divorce. I stumbled on this site when I typed "husband filed for divorce and I don't want it" into the google search. I began reading through each and ever thread in search of hope. The threads are surely relateable and inspiring. The mere fact of reading other people's stories knowing that I am not alone, helps. When I read threads from Husbands, I wished mine felt the same. My story goes.... Me, 37, H 38, M 5 years, T 9 years, no children. I truly believed that we were meant for one another. I still believe this in my heart. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but we had wonderful times. But when it was bad, it was really bad. There are always two sides to every story, but the bottom line is that my husband (a social butterfly) desired to be out more than he desired to be my spouse. Our arguments were always the same; him going out too much and staying out too late. It really hurts to type all of this, because on the surface it seems that really we shouldn't be together... my heart feels differently though. Aug 31 he left the house after a huge argument, and refused to come back until I left our home and said that he wanted a divorce. I told him that I wouldn't fight him regarding the D, but I didn't want it. He filed on 9/22. I ended up moving out a month later. We have barely talked. I've attempted to keep my distance and early on he would call in drunken angry rants. On 10/22 I submitted my acknowledgement to the courts. I don't want this divorce. I want my husband back, my life, him. He left a letter w/the D papers saying that it was the hardest thing he had to do in life and that he hoped that I find happiness even if it's with someone else. However since that his emotions have been all over the place. I want to call every day, I tried but stopped early on. The last time we spoke it was about me getting the rest of my things from the home. My mind tells me it's too late, there has to be an OW, he would be too prideful to stop and reconcile, but my heart cant seem to let go. I've ordered the book and hope to get it soon. I just don't know if I am getting caught up in mythical thinking or if I should just stop hoping that we can get back when clearly he doesn't want anything to do with me.


Heartbroken5
Me:38|H:40
Together: 10 years
Married:5
BD: May 2013
No children
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,397
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Welcome to the board

You need to let him go.
DIVORCE = SPACE

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.


Me-68, D35,S34
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heartbroken, welcome! You will get some great advice here. Can you provide a little more information on your R. The more detailed you are, the more others can help you. What was the relationship like in the beginning? Were you going out with him more? Was his drinking as bad in the beginning? It sounds like he may have a problem with that but hard to tell from your original post. When you say it was really bad when it was bad, what caused those bad times? Was it always about his staying out too late? How did you approach him when you didn't agree with what he was doing? I guess the important thing to remember is that right now you don't have any control over what he does and how he feels. Think about what has changed and figure out why. You guys got married for a reason. All you can do is detach, work on yourself and make yourself the best person you can be. Make yourself the better option. If you think there is another woman, make him see that he would be a fool for leaving. There are no guarantees here, all you can do is make YOU the best you possible. Read the DB book and you should also read DR. Sounds like he is moving things along very quickly here, is there more back story, how long has it been since he originally dropped the bomb?


Me - 32
Wife - 31
No kids
Married - 3
Together - 6
"I need space" - July 2012
Bomb/Presence of OM - August 2012
Separation - September 2012
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Sorry to meet you here, heartbroken, (((())))

You will find a lot of support and a lot of friends. You will find situations similar to yours.

If you stick around long enough, you will also find yourself.

That is the key to everything, whether or not you are together, separated or divorced.

Good luck, everyone has great advice. Post more about your switch when you have a chance.

Ruby

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*sitch*. Stupid autocorrect

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Heartbroken, I'm where you are. My mind tells me to give up and my heart tells me NO. The reasoning for our seperation is different, but I don't think H wants to reconcile. For me my H left Oct 3, moved out, has another place, utilities in his name and OW. I want so badly to KNOW exactly what to do, but I don't have a clue. Trying to DB and slowly I am, but there is always something that comes up that I need to text him about. Either our lawncare business, or daughter or bills, etc. We haven't actually talked since last Friday. I have contacted a lawyer, the papers drawn up and end of next week hopefully we can get them signed then sit on them till I'm ready to make the next move. Good luck on your journey.


Me: 41
H: 43
M: 21 yrs
DD: 15

1st bombshell: 2002 - 6 months
2nd bombshell/moved out: 10/03/2012
OW: 10/12/2012
Signed MDA & PP: 11/20/12; but not submitting
Confirmed OW living with H: 11/21/12
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 63
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Welcome to the board

** Thank you, I just wish I wasnít here you know?

You need to let him go.

** If it were that easy I wouldÖ

DIVORCE = SPACE
Get out and GAL.

** Trust me I am trying.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

*** What does this mean?

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

** Again Iím tryingÖ

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

** Time for what? I really want to understand all of this.

USE it wisely.


Heartbroken5
Me:38|H:40
Together: 10 years
Married:5
BD: May 2013
No children
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 63
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 63
Thank you fuanacdc, but I wish I was not here. From what I gathered this is a great support system and thatís what I need right now. More information on my R, sure, here goes.
1. What was the relationship like in the beginning? I donít know where to begin. He would always say that I saved his life. I never really knew what that meant. I think I provided a calm in his life. He was a partier, but I had no idea of the extent of it until after I moved in. I could count on not seeing him on Friday night. No matter what. He did what he wanted to do and I got to the point where I was okay with that. It hurts to type all of thisÖ.
2. Was I going out with him more?
No I didnít go out with him on Friday nights, I wasnít a party goer. I liked to do other things, plays, movies, quiet evenings.

3. Was the drinking bad in the beginning? In the beginning it was social to me, but I saw what it really was after moving in and it got worse. It seems that heís always been a heavy drinker but would slow down. A functional heavy/hard drinker.

4. What caused the bad times? 9 times out of 10 alcohol. He would have these periods when he would hear me and straighten up and focus on our marriage and building our home and those were the best times. The times that I donít want to let go. We would have so much growth in those times, but then the big ugly monster would reappear.

5. Was it always about staying out too late? Yes or not coming home.

6. How did I approach him with what he was doing? I tried everything, being calm, ignoring it, yelling. I even tried joining him. It got to a point where I would drink like him, just to be with him and spend time. I hated that, becoming that person. But I wanted to be with him so much and save our marriage.
My question for you guys is regarding the detachment. Make him see, how do I do that because I havenít seen him since 8/31. He wonít see me. He said that seeing me may cause him to change his mind. Yes things are moving fairly quickly. He dropped the bomb on 9/1 and I got papers on 9/22. From what I typed above it seems as though it was never good. I donít want this, even though this may be bestÖ I lost everything though. My dream, my home, his family became mine. No one is talking to me, itís just me. It hurts.


Heartbroken5
Me:38|H:40
Together: 10 years
Married:5
BD: May 2013
No children
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 63
H
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OP Offline
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 63
I know how you feel. I want to know what to do as well. The pain is too much to bare. I have loved him for so long and now he's gone. I can't seem to let go.


Heartbroken5
Me:38|H:40
Together: 10 years
Married:5
BD: May 2013
No children
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 63
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 63
The days have been really hard. I have not reached out, it's been at least two weeks since we spoke after I submitted my waiver to the court. I don't know what's going on, there has been no communication. We were supposed to set up times to talk about the division of property and what would be submitted to the court but he has cancelled all of the "meetings" and I didn't follow up after the last cancel. As a matter of fact I didn't respond at all. I don't know what to do. Everyday that goes by hurts because of not knowing. I want to have hope, but I don't want to be a fool either. I have counceling every week, when I feel strong the next day I'm knocked down. I can't explain the pain that I feel. I feel hopeless almost. I'm like a zombie most of the time, just going through the motions of the day to day. Eating, sleeping, working, an occasional forced smile so that my coworkers feel comfortable. I dress myself up,I don't think that anyone would know what's really going on with me at first glance. But there's a void, an emptiness, I don't feel life... kind of pathetic when i type it out....it's the truth though.


Heartbroken5
Me:38|H:40
Together: 10 years
Married:5
BD: May 2013
No children
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