Not sure where we are going

[djrluvw]

Hi,

This is my first time posting to any type of forum. Anyway basically my W and I have been living seperately but in the same house since 6/23/2012. Our 10th anniversary would have been in Jan 2013. We have an 8 year old boy. Last two - three years have been tough. I am a recoverd alcholholic who just celebrated 23 yrs of sobriety but for several years I stopped going to meeting until I started again in Aug 2010. Going back helped a ton but during the last year that I wasn;t going my attitude stunk and if definatley affected our marriage. Sometime in there my W was diagnosed with OCD which also added strain to our our marriage. Took two years to get meds right show she could function. So two sick people together in the same house and here we are today living seperately. I got the ILUBANILWU talk in June. I suspect at least some emotional indidelity with a FB contact from England. SHe travelled there in September so not sure how far anything went if at all. I have come to the conclusion and my W has confirmed it that she is going through a MLC (40 last December). She wants to move out but has not been able to find a job. ( not fo the lack of trying) I have read most of DR and am currently working on the last resort strategy. Made all the normal mistakes like pleading, reminding her of the postitives and good time and dragging her to counselling. I have stopped doing those things though because she continues to tell me that she is "not ready to work on our marriage at ths time". She is currently staying at mo mom's while mom is away on vacation because she needed a break from all the underlying tension between us. Funny thing is we have talked more since June about all kinds of things than we have in the last two years. We don't fight, are reasonable patience with each other and are kind to each other. I will say that she can get very depressed very quickly if the slighest thing goes wrong. Anyway I am not interested is a D and am committed to saving our marriage even if she is not although it is a huge emotional roller coaster. I know i have to be cool and let her go through her stuff but it's not easy. I prayer for her every day.
M-49
H-40
S-8
M-9 years
T-11
Living seperately in same house since June 2012

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use it wisely.

Knowledge is Power.

[djrluvw]

Thanks,

working very hard at detaching but sometimes it feels as if i am giving up.
I am keeping very busy and that helps...sons hockey coach etc, work, etc but some days my W calls me 2-3 times per day about logistical stuff or just to check in. It can be confusing sometimes.My friends in AA all advise to be loving, patience, kind but let go at the same time.

[AnotherStander]

I have come to the conclusion and my W has confirmed it that she is going through a MLC (40 last December).

Take a look at the MLC forum here and go through the stickies at the top. There's a lot of helpful info there. If she is going through MLC, then you've got a long, rough road ahead. MLC can take years to resolve. There is little you can do except give her time and space and concentrate on your own happiness. That's the detachment Cadet mentioned- detach from the roller coaster that is your MLC wife and work on yourself. Get a life- get back into old hobbies, pick up new ones, get back in shape, reach out to old friends, make new ones. Work on YOU.

I have read most of DR and am currently working on the last resort strategy.

Almost impossible to do if you're under the same roof and have a kid. I wouldn't go there yet, just work on detaching, doing 180's on your faults and maybe trying to show her love using techniques from the 5 Love Languages. If she moves out then you can pursue the LRT then.

I have stopped doing those things though because she continues to tell me that she is "not ready to work on our marriage at ths time".

Good, leave those things behind for now and do not talk about the M AT ALL. If your W wants to discuss it then that's fine, but don't initiate it yourself.

Funny thing is we have talked more since June about all kinds of things than we have in the last two years.

That's a good sign. Keep it up, try to be a good friend to her.

[djrluvw]

Thanks for the comments and encouragment. It is comforting to have a place to share this with other people. A couple of weeks ago when my W was very low and depressed I suggested she go stay at my moms while she was away travelling. Well she came home tonight but is pretty down about not being able to find a job and not being able to move. I just listened and let her get it off her chest. She asked me what things were going to look like now that she is back. I suggested that it was up to her and that we knew that her stay at my mom's was only temporary. All I can do is be patience and loving. I must say that Ii was kinda of nice not to have the negative energy in the house while she was away.
I am going to reread the 180's after your suggestiand take a look at the MLC form.
Thanks again

[MrBond]

Have you read DR? You need to do that first.

[djrluvw]

Yes I have..I am rereading it now. I usually read something like this and then go back and read again.

[djrluvw]

Good Afternoon,
Well W has been home since Wednesday night after her short hiatus at my Mom's. She has been mostly pleasant, and has even planned dinner and a family movie tonight with all of us. I don't think anything has changed but at least it does not seem as tense. I am working on GAL and detaching and have not brought up our M at all. I spent most of the summer taking a hard and honest look at my part of our issues and am working hard at changing the part of me that can be improved. That said I have come to the conclusion that I am good husband a good father. It is sad to go through this but I pray eveyday that my W finds her happiness and if it is to be with me great but if not I know I will be OK. I do worry about how this is going to affect S8. He was pretty verbal about not liking going between our house and my Mom's when she stayed over there. I struggle a little with expectation but am working on it as well....my go to prayer right now is "God grant me the serentiy....to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the differance...

[sandi2]

Why does your W think she's having a MLC? Being 40, stressed and having an A doesn't necessarily mean she have a MLC.

If she really is...the folks on the MLC forum may be a lot of help with their advice. Honestly, I hope she's a WAW, b/c that doesn't always last as long as a MLC. I honestly believe from what a lot of LBH's say that they had rather believe their W is having a MLC...than the alternative. IDK, but there sure are a lot of them who say very much the same as you have.

Either way, I hope you'll stick with us. If you'll take the advice here...it could save your M, and especially save you. I know it certainly saved mine. I was the WAW who had been M many years. I thought I was having a MLC too. But people on the board kept telling me I was too old to be in mid-life! I guess they were right, but I tend to believe if one can have a MLC in their 20's, as MWD says....then surely they can have one many years later.

But here's the point I want to make. Whatever the diagnois, your M is in serious trouble. Don't ignore that. Read the book and read all the threads you can read here on the board. If you can afford the coaching, get it. If not, then keep posting and reading. Do it every day, b/c people will respond more if you will do it regularly.

One thing you're going to hear a lot is to work at improving yourself b/c that's the only person you control. If you will do that one thing....you will be so much happier. You have already taken a giant step by getting back into your regular AA meetings. That's got to cause you to have more self respect. Others will too. Stay with it.

Don't give up!

[PeteWyo]

working very hard at detaching but sometimes it feels as if i am giving up.

djr, i wanted to comment to this since I also struggled with the concept of detaching. The key is not to detach from your wife. The key is to detach from your feelings for her. Don't shut her out, but in a sense you have to stop treating her like your wife, at least as you know her. She is in a fog right now. All you can do is be nice and cordial to her and be the best person you can be. Do as many 180s as you can, for YOU. I am in a similar situation where I feel that the reasons she was unhappy seemed trivial to me. What's important, as eyesopen and my IC pointed out, is that it doesn't matter. whatever she is going through, she believes that they are reason enough to leave. So your only recourse is to work on you and show her that you are still the person she fell In love with and mothered your children. Hope that makes some more sense. I had issue with detaching at first because I didn't understand what that meant.