A New Phase?

[keep_going]

Nblost,

So sorry you are going thru a rough patch. I know how it feels and I hope it has passed by now.

How was your weekend? Tell us about what went right these past couple of days. I want to know!

(((NBlost)))

[Nblost]

KG,
Thanks for the hugs. I read your sitch and am glad you are finding strength!

I had a good weekend. I took 7 girls to the movies on Saturday night. After going to Vegas last weekend, it was nice to be home quite a bit this weekend and spend time with the kids. Yesterday, I went to a beach club with one of my friends and her family.

H had come home and was a bit shocked to know I'd made plans and the world didn't revolve around him...however, he took the youngest and did a couple things with her. We all met back up at my house in the evening and one of H's comments to the kids was, "When did Mom get so fun?"

He then took the kids to his place and I had a quiet night...very nice.

He's taking the kids again tonight and then he leaves again. He had just been gone for almost 4 weeks straight so it's sad he's only back for a day or so.

I still feel like I need to talk to H about the D filing. I guess I've reached the point where I don't like living like this and I'd rather just be divorced. :-(

[kml]

I get that.

And remember - formalizing the divorce does NOT mean you can't get back together in the future. At this point, with him with the OW for so long, formalizing the divorce is just about freeing yourself.

(And possibly giving him an extra dose of reality)

[Nblost]

H left again today for OW's city. (He came back Sunday after being there almost a full month straight)

He tries to avoid any discussions which helps me not get into R talks. However, I did call him today to tell him we need to talk about next steps in the divorce. Before we got into that, I clarified that he still wants to take the kids on vacation with OW for a week after Christmas--yep, he does. Okay, so I said I think we need to discuss splitting our assets. He agreed and we had a relatively good conversation about working together and avoiding tons of legal fees (we'll both have lawyers to protect ourselves but if we can agree to some things ourselves...much easier)

That all seemed good but H is acting sad. He said he could see why I needed to move on...making it sound like the divorce is all my idea. I guess it is...but he makes me feel bad about pushing for the divorce. If you've been following my sitch, I'm at the point where he's been openly having an affair for over a year.

I don't know how to feel. I still know I wouldn't take him back without the affair ending and his job changing dramatically--and he's not saying a word about changing any of that. I think he's still manipulating to stay on his fence. I think he hopes I'm still around if his affair would ever end.

Just had to vent...I have peaks and valleys and feel low today.

[kml]

I think he hopes I'm still around if his affair would ever end.

Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

They just want to fly off into their fantasy world, but still have the little woman waiting at home in case they ever pull their head out of their arse.

And be prepared - when it comes to doing the paperwork involved in a divorce, you'll have to do most of it. Many WASs seem to believe in the "zipless divorce", like it will all get done by magic.

As for discussing division of property - be very careful here. You should not be having ANY discussions with H about this until you have consulted a lawyer first, and gotten a pretty good idea of what's fair.

Also - remember to ask for more than you want, so there's room to negotiate.

[darkhair]

Hey, Nblost, how are things going with you?
I hope you're ok.
In fact, you're quite an inspiration for me.
God bless you

[Nblost]

Overall, I'm doing okay. I feel like I'm rebuilding my life--trying new things, friends, etc. I'm really trying to focus on being healthy and being present for the kids.

H continues to be gone most of the time...comes home and acts very friendly to me...yet had OW here again a couple weeks ago and she stayed at his place when my kids were there. (He didn't tell me...the kids came back and mentioned she had been with them for the weekend). He's still passing her off as a "friend"...although I have a hard time believing my kids don't see through it.

Our divorce filing is just sitting. I've decided today that I need to move forward. I'm scared to be alone...I'm scared to push and have the divorce be "my fault"...I'm scared if I push him, he'll want to come back and I'm really not sure I want him back at all. (I don't want him back...but I have huge guilt around not trying on behalf of the kids)

He hasn't even hired a lawyer...so I think I'm going to send him a proposed split of our assets (I've been talking to my lawyer) and tell him what I'd like.

I anticipate he'll freak out...but my goal is to get divorced by the end of the year. I can't keep living like this.

Wish me luck...and if anyone has advice on staying strong...I'll take it.

[kml]

At this point, the divorce is to protect you financially and allow you to date without guilt.

It does NOT mean he can't come back, and although I'm not sure why you would consider him at this point either, remember that divorce is a piece of paper that does not prevent reconciliation.

Also, as far as the kids go - although I understand the temptation to want to reconcile for their sake - I think, when the cat is out of the bag already as it is, it's not necessarily a completely positive outcome for the kids anymore. I think, even with a successful reconciliation, the kids are always waiting for the other shoe to fall (which, eventually, unfortunately, it did in my case). So a decisive end may actually help them move forward too at this point.

And I agree with you - no way they're not suspicious about daddy's "friend". But if you don't make a big deal about it, odds are they won't either.

[kml]

(P.S. - incidentally, I just had a lovely weekend away with a man I know. He's too young for me to get serious about, but we really enjoy each other's company. And at times like that, I feel like sending my ex a thank you card for leaving me, lol!)

[Nblost]

Thanks kml, your weekend sounds lovely. :-)

All great points, I appreciate it. In some ways too, I think I'm protecting his image with the kids more by pushing the divorce through. I think he'd be better served long-term if the kids think he had a "friend" who he started dating once we got divorced. That can't happen if we keep limping along.

I also just ordered a book on not being "too nice" and being more assertive.

I guess what I'm feeling is that DB-ing served it's purpose in keeping H partially engaged with me...and the detachment is key. But, I could get stuck in this detached waiting phase for what seems like forever if I don't push ahead? I guess this must happen to other people when they reach their limits and want to move on...maybe by then, they aren't on this website anymore.