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A Message from Michele
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I found out OW and her kids are here for a week and I am leaving to go on a work trip on Wednesday. H was asking again about taking them to an amusement park with OW.

I ended up saying that he needs to decide. He said he respected my opinion and would listen to me. I said if it was up to me, I'd have him wait. However, I'm also tired of the lies and part of me thinks the kids will eventually find out anyway.

Anyway, he wants me to think about it, but as of now...I think he will take them to an amusement park with OW and her kids. He thinks he can keep it very casual and describe it as "just friends".

I feel like this is going to happen whether I like it or not...and part of me is just tired of it. I was very calm in our discussion.

I also feel like I'm so detached that I almost don't care and once he does this...I can move ahead with the divorce (I swear he still acts like he doesn't want a divorce in some odd way).

I just wish he could make my kids a priority. He's taking off most of this week to be with OW and her kids...but my kids have rarely seen him for more than a day or two...sad.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Nblost #2273290 08/21/12 12:33 AM
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UGh. I'm sorry he's being such a doofus.

I'm with you, I don't think lying to the kids is a good idea. I'm sure they'll see through the "just friends" ruse in a minute. Even if they didn't think it was suspicious that daddy suddenly has this new woman friend they've never heard of, I'm sure H and OW won't be able to refrain from PDAs for a whole day. Plus how on earth could her kids keep their mouths shut all day, even if they were told to? Surely something would slip out about stuff that your ex has been doing with them, or about how much fun they had last time Ex slept over at their house, etc etc.

But you're also right - you can't keep it from happening forever, and actually, there is still a chance that the reality of dealing with all those kids together might cool off the fantasy a bit.

I suggest you explain to Ex what I just said, about how there is no way the kids won't figure it out, and suggest that he sit down with the kids ahead of time, explain that he is in a relationship with a new woman, and that he wants to take them to meet her and her kids. If they freak and give him a hard time about it - fine, he has to face reality. If they accept it, at least they'll go into the situation knowing what's going on so they won't feel even more betrayed when they figure it out.

Tell him to be a man and tell the kids ahead of time - in person.

kml #2273399 08/21/12 12:04 PM
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Like that KML. But I am thinking that Nblost's husband has no concepts of reason, consequences, compassion and thinking.

He just wants to be with OW. He just wants to test the brady bunch in a way that he thinks will cause no drama. A simple step into the ocean. Fully backed by Nblost. So down the road he has a few excuse cards to play on his three daughters.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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Quick update. I went on my work trip and H introduced the kids to OW and her three kids. They did a fun amusement park one day (stayed in separate rooms at a hotel) and then stayed at his place the next night. I got back on Friday night and apparently OW left on Friday afternoon. H then kept the kids for the weekend. He dropped them off last night and could barely look at me...we didn't even talk. The bits I know are just from the kids and a couple texts.

It was very hard for me to leave town not knowing what the kids would be doing or how H would introduce OW or how they would react. But, I guess I just keep surviving. It's just crazy to see people from work and not overreact when they ask "how are you?". My standard answer is "I'm fine"...when I feel like screaming. :-)

The kids mentioned meeting this family (OW's), but so far...haven't shared any odd reactions or concerns. I plan to just be open to hear them talk...but I don't want to question them or make them feel upset or worried like it was a big deal to me.

I had an a great weekend. I worked out and did several appointments on Saturday (facial, got a pedicure, etc) and then went out with the guy I met back in January on Saturday night. We have fun...we talk, laugh, and the chemistry is great. We're probably mutually rebounding...but I think we're being careful. We also have a good baseline of friendship and he respects me. I also hung out with him by his pool on Sunday. After a year without much of a break...so nice to feel some freedom.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Nblost #2280348 09/12/12 11:57 PM
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NB,

I am sorry to hear that your H introduced the kids to OW. You knew this was going to happen sooner or later, so at least it's over. You don't need to stress about it, worry about it or fight it. It's time to let go of that. Concentrate on what you can control.

Glad to hear that you are keeping busy.

The only thing I really don't know what to say about is your new guy. I am very old fashioned and for me, dating while still married is just not an option. But please understand that I am not judging you here. I understand this is different for everyone and I respect that.

Should I infer that like since you have filed for D and are dating, you are done with your M?

If so, I am glad that you have found closure and are moving on with your life trying to make the best of it.

Keep us posted on your progress!


Me & H: 44
D7, D6, S3
Together: 20y, M: 17y
EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12
D Negotiating began 2/15
OW seemingly gone on 3/15
Still negotiating D






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I do feel done. I guess I have detached to the point where if H ever came back and was truly ready to try to reconcile...I would consider it...but, until that happens, I'm fine getting divorced. I think it might be easier for me than other women because I'm financially stable without H and can continue to lead almost the same lifestyle as before. H has also been almost completely gone from my life for a year given his work travel and affair. I think Dr. Phil is the one who said something like, "why are you waiting for someone else to make you happy?"...it was time for me to take my life back and move on.

The kids did fine meeting OW and her kids--but they met them under the pretense that these were friends visiting from out of town. Last night, my middle daughter actually wrote an essay about going to Disneyland with them for school (fabulous!). My kids are now texting her kids as buddies. I hate the lies and I think there's a risk my kids will feel betrayed by him later...but I guess I'm trying to let it go.

I don't think it's right to date while married either. That said, I really don't feel married anymore. I guess my pastor was the one who put my finger on it...my H broke apart our marriage when he started his affair.

I think I just ended up finding a guy who fits into my life right now. I'm not in the mood for crazy one night stands and I'm not in the mood for a serious relationship (I've had enough relationship issues for awhile). For me, it's been validating and fun. I'm also being careful that this guy is just a minor part of my life--I'm continuing to build friendships and interests to support being single. For example, I'm likely going on 3 girls trips in the next six months.

Keep_going, I really feel for you given your situation and your young kids. You are in much harder place than me. I saw you are in SoCal...I wish we could meet!


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Nblost #2280574 09/13/12 10:00 PM
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You are one together woman NBlost. You continue to display dignity and calm acceptance for what is a very difficult time in your life.

You are a role model for how to cope with betrayal and you are absolutely right - none of us should put our live on hold waiting for someone else to make us happy.

Keep at it.

V


V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Walking #2280713 09/14/12 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted By: Walking
You are one together woman NBlost. You continue to display dignity and calm acceptance for what is a very difficult time in your life.

You are a role model for how to cope with betrayal and you are absolutely right - none of us should put our live on hold waiting for someone else to make us happy.

Keep at it.

V



Amen.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Nblost,
You are an inspiration!

afa75 #2284757 09/29/12 06:07 AM
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I'm not sure I feel like an inspiration tonight...met with my attorney today. H hasn't responded to my divorce filing but I want to move forward. I have a few legal options but am going to try talking to H and proposing a settlement first.

I told H that I met with my attorney and he said "ok". He later said "I am so far behind on life and work. I suck". I didn't respond. (All via text)

Kids seem sad he hasn't been home for over three weeks. He's in OW's city. My middle one asked why he doesn't just move there.

I was on a girls trip last weekend and do feel blessed with friends. Work has been busy but overwhelming.

I'm tired of feeling this way.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
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