IH Separation-continuing to grow as we grow apart

[breakdownbill]

Hi Chatterbug

I slipped, thinking I could do more in terms of my efforts to make my W see what she was throwing away. Some of those goals were written when I was upset after an argument with my W yesterday about changing plans at uni for w's work.

Some of those goals I had written, when I read them this morning are ridiculous, but my emotions were all over the place when I started to write them.

I like some of things I was talking about concerning communication and organisation, but everything else was fuzzy thinking.

We followed up yesterday's fight with an apology from me that led to an R talk, I'd had enough and instead of dodging it I asked all the q's I wanted answers about OM, what she wanted and you can guess the rest.

I got all the scripted answers, we both got upset, my W wishes she could get past her resentments to work on us, but she can't. I told her how much what she had been doing by bringing a 3rd party into our M and that whatever we do now will be hard.

I can't write much more this morning, i'm rushing for school but we are at the very least going to now separate.

I got confused on my path, wobbled and now it is clearer.

I am not going to fight this anymore in terms of staying together - I am better than this and I am dropping the rope, no ifs or buts.

I'll be ok - I knew this would happen sooner or later.

Bill

[Arsene]

Sorry it had to come to this mate, but you seem to be taking it well enough considering. This is where these old goals will help you pull through. I know you'll be fine.

What happened to these goals ?

I want to be a strong role model and great father for my kids.

I want to be a great teacher.

I want to be financially and emotionally independent again.

I want the next chapter of my life to be my best chapter.

I want to be the best ME I can be.

I've got a long way to go on this journey & either way whatever happens between me and my W, I know I'll be OK.

I have to be for my kids and for me.

Take care mate!

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Arsene

I feel very tired and drained today - we were up talking until after 3 in the morning and I had to be in school for 8 today.

I feel a lot better knowing where I stand with my W about so many things we haven't talked about. I'm not devastated, I've been working towards letting go.

Yeah, I doubted my plans, but never put any of those new ones I posted when I was upset and confused into action (luckily).

I know what the next steps are now and I cam build on that.

I don't need any 'told you so's' or advice about what went wrong, it's been put to bed for now.

The focus is back on the here and now, me and my kids and my teacher training.

Thanks Bill

[chatterbug]

Bill if we knew each other in the alt. We would be friends. So I was speaking to you one friend to another.

Goals are simple write out.


Write a goal. Then write out the smaller steping stone goals to get you there.

1. Graduate University.

1.1 Be Organized for class.
1.1.1 create a calendar to track all assignments , projects and tests.
1.1.2 Input all assignments , projects and tests to the calendar within 12 hours of receiving them.
1.1.3 Update progress on all projects and assignments.

Like that.

Simple and to the point. With many mini goals to push you to the over all completion of the main goal.

I am sure you can find your style on it.

Keep emotions out of goals. Keep them simple and attainable. Work in what to do if you get side tracked.

[breakdownbill]

Hi cutter

Bill if we knew each other in the alt. We would be friends. So I was speaking to you one friend to another.

Thanks for that, I needed it and feel like we'd have fun hanging out in that alt world

I really don't know why I doubted myself and my plans, they were a moment of weakness and it's a lot simpler for me now.

As hard as that talk was last night with my W and knowing that it's a huge setback in terms of any possible R, I'm actually taking some positives out of it.

Instead of wondering what is going on with my W, I now know exactly where I stand.

I gave my W a choice to work on our M and stop the contact with OM and she said she couldn't do it.

My W asked for a trial separation and I agreed that it was best if we weren't together if nothing is going to change on her stance.

Now it's more of a practical exercise of working out money and logistic as to how we are going to make this separation financially possible. In the short term I might recommend splitting our time in the house with the kids, maybe she stays 4 nights and I do 3 nights with the kids.

This way the kids aren't uprooted and they still get to spend time with both of us, this would be until I could afford a place big enough for the kids to stay.

Nice tip on the calendar, i'll have to do that with my uni work

Bill

[chatterbug]

Bill. Do not leave the home. It is the family home. You are not the one who stepped out.

Lead by showing your children the man you are becoming.

Since she asked for a trial separation.

She is free to leave. The children stay.

They can sleep over on weekends when the place is ready.

Do not help her find a place. Do not help her find furniture.

DO not raise one finger. Do not give her a single shilling to fund the place.

Trial separation means that she wants to take the affair to the next level. Could be dancer could be someone else.

Trust me on this.

Stand tall here and protect your children and your home.

[Arsene]

Wow, I actually agree with CB on this. Maybe we're not that far apart as I thought we were after all.

I'd say she's the one who wants to leave and is unwilling to work on the M, that's her decision. It has nothing to do with you and you shouldn't finance it either.

I'm sure my W resents the fact that I've got a nice house to live in with D8 while she's sleeping on a mattress on the floor of some boarding house. Tough. It's her choice. Another thing is, when it was time to separate our stuff (car, computer, etc..) i made it clear that these had been purchased by the family, for the whole family. If she wants out of the family, she can go and re-buy that stuff. What we had before is for the family. By her actions, she's already adding an extra financial burden on the family so there is no reason why she should be helped. If she needs it, she can always ask OM.

OK, I admit it. There is still a tiny bit of anger left in me.

[breakdownbill]

Thanks for the advice Cutter

I think I need to do some more research into where I stand legally with all of this in terms of our joint mortgage, accounts and debts before I make a decision as to what will be the best for me.

I'm not just thinking of myself I am also thinking about my kids - because there will be so much time spent away from the home this year with my studies and placements, that realistically I wouldn't offer my kids the stability they need. This would be the case until June at least.

I think the best thing for me to do right now, would be to get some independent advice (financial & legal) to inform a really big decision.

If the circumstances, timing was different & I had qualified - was on a salary and a working pattern that matched my kids I know that I would be the best option in terms of supporting my kids in the family home.

Right now, my circumstances are a reality that need to be considered, because my children's welfare is the most important thing to me.

I have to be honest with myself and look at the bigger picture, a house is just bricks & stuff - it's my kids that makes it a home.

I'm not saying I'm going to do this or that, I'm saying that ultimately their needs come before mine & I need to research what I can & can't feasibly and legaly do before I decide what is best here.

You've got my back & I really appreciate you looking out for me.

Bill

[chatterbug]

Bill you have your family to support you as well.

When anything is presented to you.

Your first thoughts are

Why I cannot do this.


Plus worse comes to worse. The children can go stay for a week or two at the other place. You do not want to set yourself up here to be a glorified uncle.




I think your starting to understand the parallel paths.

It allows you to realize that you have options.

[breakdownbill]

Wow, I actually agree with CB on this. Maybe we're not that far apart as I thought we were after all.

I'd say she's the one who wants to leave and is unwilling to work on the M, that's her decision. It has nothing to do with you and you shouldn't finance it either.

I'm sure my W resents the fact that I've got a nice house to live in with D8 while she's sleeping on a mattress on the floor of some boarding house. Tough. It's her choice. Another thing is, when it was time to separate our stuff (car, computer, etc..) i made it clear that these had been purchased by the family, for the whole family. If she wants out of the family, she can go and re-buy that stuff. What we had before is for the family. By her actions, she's already adding an extra financial burden on the family so there is no reason why she should be helped. If she needs it, she can always ask OM.

OK, I admit it. There is still a tiny bit of anger left in me.

^^^^ Nice!!

I'm liking the way you are looking at it Arsene.