Had my first session in 6 weeks with my IC this evening. The conversation lasted 90 mins but felt like 30 - time flew by! I had so much to say - so much that I've learned and experienced in the last 6 weeks.
I hadn't explained "why" when I called last week to see if I get an earlier appointment, just that I hoped I could see her sooner. And from the beginning of the session, I could tell she was curious. I started with what's been happening with my work life, which is going amazingly well! I'm so happy & feeling so good about that part of my life right now She was starting to wonder why I was there...
So I explained that I was there because I am still in love with my husband. And she believes me! That it was evident in the telling of my story...
She says if the feelings would have all shown up after the OW, then maybe there could be reason to question - but they started before I knew or even suspected that he was seeing anyone.
The feelings started as soon as I saw my H living his life for himself, no longer wallowing in self-pity - when I saw him HAPPY! He was back to being the man I fell in love with Crazy enough, this was after I gave him the "closure" he needed to move on with his life...
Yes, it's true, the feelings got stronger as I realized how much it hurt to see him moving on. And really, really hurt as he used the same words/emotions to describe his new R, as he had 9 years ago when we met.
And then that got me remembering how we met and how much we enjoyed each other in the beginning, which only made the feelings stronger. And we *finally* got to sit down and talk after 6 months, how good it was to clear the air and how strange it felt to be wishing him well with his new gf...
And she says it IS possible for me to see a change in my values/priorities within 2 months. And she's not even surprised! She says my clarity, healing and growth are just starting and really only started in May, even though I left in January.
She says I am so much more settled now. Last time I couldn't name 5 values (she had to give me a "gimme") and today I know exactly what they are. I know what I need/want and "only" need help & guidance to get there!
She believes that our respective growth and healing CAN bring us back to each other. That I still have a long road to cover before I'll be ready for R with H (or any man), however she believes it is possible to start again. That we can find ourselves on the same road and working on it together. From my side of the story, she believes H still has feelings for me and in time, he will come to believe what is in my heart.
She explained that he was probably waiting almost 6 months for me to say and feel what I'm feeling and saying now. It only makes sense that it feels like a shock to him now. Especially since I kept most of the thoughts to myself for a few weeks while I figured out if it was really what I wanted. I really did take the time to think about it too, I just couldn't approach this situation any other way! It was something that just can't be "unsaid"
She reminds me constantly and throughout the whole session that I can only take responsibility for my emotions, actions and choices. That his are his own, including his reaction to the separation.
My guilt, while a normal reaction, will only slow my progress. Discovering/awakening to my belief that I thought it was my responsibility to keep/make him happy is a big step. Accepting that his happiness is his own to create/claim is a big piece of forgiving myself and moving forward.
She thinks the only thing that is really unhealthy in all this is that I stopped living my 'life'. For example, Saturday I stayed home instead of spending time with friends, just in case H called. Oh and the late night phone calls should stop, as they are affecting my sleep - but it is OK to keep talking and emailing. (Late night calls should stop now anyway as he is back to a regular work schedule now)
She agrees with the boundaries we set about not meeting in person. That, for now, it's just not a good idea. Especially as he is still with OW. She understands my rationale for wanting to find ANY way in that I can, as well as my logic that we ARE still M. Not what she considers the passion unhealthy, because it is good for the R - it's just too soon.
It was a great session and I'll see her again in 3 weeks. She is sure that my patience and clarity will show through in the coming weeks/months. And not to give up hope unless I get a clear "no, not ever" instead of "I'm messed up" or "I'm not sure I can ever trust you" - because neither of those are him saying no...
In all of your posts, I don't see the one thing that's needed...what started all this in the first place. You say that there was an issue with intimacy, but don't explain it.
Fact of the matter is (and especially if he's reading this), both of you need to figure out what happened, seriously, so that it doesn't happen again. So in your opinion, what do you think caused the rift between you? You keep mentioning that he doesn't trust you. For what? Did you do something to betray that trust?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Good/bad news is that it wasn’t just one thing that caused the rift.
I have retention issues (that I’m working on). H made a comment one time about my kisses being “too wet” which caused me to stop wanting to kiss him. I felt self-conscious because of that comment. That was the start to the end of our intimacy. Others things got in the way, but I own that mistake (and would spend the rest of my life kissing my H!)
H had a “burn-out” early in our relationship. I was his rock – listened, supported and cared for him deeply during this time. I’ve always said that I didn’t feel like he had made it completely to the other side of it, however, in reflection – I never did!
I felt/feel like I have to tiptoe around his emotions. I have to do anything and everything to make him happy, so he never goes back to that “place”. Even if that means not communicating my feelings. So I wouldn’t share when little things crept up, and so they all got bottled inside and became bombs ready to explode.
We both have self-esteem issues but his caused him to withdraw from our social life and left me feeling alone and unsupported. He missed a few key events during our marriage that left me feeling resentment – like he didn’t want to be there for me.
Resentment also came from the fact that I believed he was relieved when I was passed over for promotions. He loved our home and didn’t really want to move. So every time I got a “no”, he would breathe a sigh of relief. (While I became depressed over never achieving any of my career goals)
I obviously have my own issues – I don’t like to look “dumb” – so I stop myself from enjoying some of the simplest things in life – like a video or card game – because I don’t want to feel stupid. I just don’t do things that I’m not good at (see kissing above) – however, I need to let down my defenses and try!
It was a vicious cycle, never sure of what started which feelings. I know that I have my own healing & growth to do in all this. I have to find the tools to deal with my own issues, so the cycle never gets to start again.
The trust issue, I believe, is three-part – 1) H says I already left twice, so why would he give me an opportunity to leave a third. 2) I shared in one of our conversations about “why” I was leaving that I had thought about cheating. Never did anything, not even a kiss; I didn’t even come close to pursuing it. Just that the temptation was there – the thought - wondering “what if”. And 3) I said some mean things when leaving – things I hoped would make it easier for him to move on. I didn’t mean half of what I said...but now, he’s not sure he can trust anything I say.
And I have to be able to trust him too – that what he is doing/living/trying is genuine. That he won’t repeat his past mistakes!
All these things I am sure we can work on – together! None of these are one BIG thing – just lots of little things. So with the right support, counsel and love – we can make it better!
Actually I don't think alot of it you need to work on together. You need to start with yourself first. Deal with your own self issues. For example, it seems like you tend to think of the negatives in a situation rather than the positives. You thought of having an affair before exhausting positive solutions in your M, you "believed" that he was relieved that you didn't get a promotion. You seem to only think of the worst. Try changing that.
Plus don't be as critical or self-condemning. I think that's the main reason why your H is afraid of you. He doesn't know what to trust is correct.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
That's right on the nose! I've realized that I can't expect him to forgive (or trust) me if I haven't forgiven myself.
I am and will continue to work on my issues. It's all I can do, all I can control. I will be ready for whatever the future may hold. He will make his own choices and decide what is best for him.
I asked him today to no longer mention OW - too hurtful for me to hear, over and over again, that he still wants "to see where things go with her". Makes me feel like OW and his backup plan...he agreed. I could tell it was difficult during our conversation to leave "her" out of it, but he managed.
And I also asked if he can see any good in a future together, because he only talks about the negative "scenarios". And he admitted that he can...
I wish I could erase his memory of all the horrible things I said, especially those when I was trying to leave...I can tell they still hurt him!
No, the other site sure doesn't seem to be, at least not the group he's found himself surrounded by...A lot of working on ways to move on...forgetting the marriage.
Things I told him when I left: I wasn't sure I was ever in love with him, that we never should have gotten married and that the idea of us in bed together made me sick to my stomach - to name a few of the "worst".
Each has their own "reasoning", none of which really matters. For as true as I thought it all was then, while in my 'fog' and R burnout - I know the opposite to be true today.
I've always loved him, to the point of even too much, when it isn't any more healthy. And of course, there were days I could've loved him more. Like the day of his grandmother's funeral. After the funeral, H invited some family & friends to our place to get together. My 'problem' was that I had a previous commitment, that I placed more importance on than my H & family. I went to my meeting and missed the whole party/reunion celebrating a wonderful lady's life...
I loved our wedding day and every day before and after. A few conversations leading up to it had me wondering if he knew and understood the real me, but it was never enough for me to doubt the commitment we were making to each other! I still see the picture in my head of a photo from when we first saw each other that day. Still makes my heart melt.
As for the sex, it wasn't "fun" anymore - it felt like work or an obligation. We are both to blame for that and have proven recently that it doesn't have to feel like that...It can be fun again
Oooh that is pretty bad. You know on these boards it's always debated whether or not the "fog" actually exists. The message of how "we should have never gotten married" is something I think we've all heard. What did you mean by it when you said it to your H? Is it that you really couldn't see how you could ever be happy with him?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think because I was feeling dishonest with how I approached our relationship. I was feeling like I "oversold" myself from the beginning, especially our first date. (Which lasted 17 hours btw!)
On our first date we played a question game - a way to get to know one another. I found myself giving answers that I thought he wanted to hear not always the whole truth. I really wanted him to like me and thought he'd like the me I 'could' be better than the real me.
I know that the real me isn't who/what I was the past two years either. Somewhere in there the real me existed...Funny, he says he lost himself in our marriage. I guess I did too...
I call it a 'fog' because I couldn't see any of the good stuff anymore. Only the negative and now HE can only see the negative, the risks...
Right now we're in a complete role-reversal from where we were 8 months ago - when I felt like I couldn't trust what he was saying and he could only see the potential of our future. Maybe another couple of weeks/months and we'll be on the same wavelength!
Journaling: Today is gonna be tough. H & OW are leaving for a trip after work tonight. The exact same trip H & I cancelled last summer because I was talking about leaving. I'd even bought myself a car...
I would never want him to miss out on another experience because of me, but it stings that he's going with her while he's still confused about his feelings for me...They discussed canceling when he started feeling confused but decided to go just the same.
I have to be strong and not message him today. To be happy for him, if he's happy.
I also realize that it's their first trip anywhere together - this could be good or bad. Because you get to learn things you didn't already know when you travel with someone. I think a trip within the first few months of dating should be a requirement of a relationship!
She was starting to wonder why I was there...