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Nblost #2269259 08/08/12 06:23 PM
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Not tainted by OW..... She can never taint your family , friends and the dinners and drive'in's you went to.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
Nblost #2269354 08/08/12 10:40 PM
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WEll, don't bite off your nose to spite your face. If moving home would afford you a better lifestyle, more friend and family support (free babysitters!), and you could return to your old job (if you liked it) - don't turn it down just because it would happen to be more convenient for ex too.


OTOH - who wants to leave California for the frozen midwest? lol

kml #2272440 08/17/12 06:26 PM
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Nblost -

I really feel for you. This is a very tough stage in the separation / OW saga.

My husband has been with his OW for over a year now. They are now open and are slowly introducing each other to the kids.

Him exposing OW to mine, who are 4, 3 and 1 has been a constant source of arguments. I feel like they are so young and can't even comprehend what a marriage and separation is, much less what a girlfriend is.

I, like you, also want to protect them and their view of marriage.

The truthis that H is doing what he wants and will continue to do so. My fighting it has only hurt our R and interactions and kept me resentful and in victim mode.

It's better to let it go. Maybe the Brady Bunch reality will hit them hard, maybe it will work out for them.
Out of your control. Focus on being the best mom you can and giving your kids an example on the things you can control.

As for finances, my H also asked for more custody once he saw what he would pay in alimony and child support. (we are also in CA). It was so sad to me... I saw his financial motivation clearly.

Yet he is now really invested back in their lives and I believe he thinks that with OW's help, he can truly do joint custody, so he is going for that. Double win for him - he has a new family with OW and he gives me less money.

So don't be surprised if he changes his mind about that.

Hang in there. This is all ugly stuff - I know first-hand. I so wished you didn't have to go thru it.
(((hugs)))


Me & H: 44
D7, D6, S3
Together: 20y, M: 17y
EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12
D Negotiating began 2/15
OW seemingly gone on 3/15
Still negotiating D






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OW and her kids are likely here now (in my city at H's new place). We had a text conversation about my kids meeting up with them and he could barely discuss it. He said he could say the OW and her kids were "just friends" of his and were visiting. I asked if her kids knew that OW and H were dating and he said "yes". He then added that OW had told her kids not to tell my kids about their dating. I told him I wasn't comfortable with my kids being around people who were covering something up from them. I did add that I appreciated him asking me.

He responded later to say he knows this is difficult.

That's the last we've corresponded. So, as far as I know, he's with OW and her kids and will be leaving us alone. It's sad to think that he's here and not seeing his kids...but it's better this way. Like our counselor said...my kids have barely seen him leave the house and we haven't told them we are divorcing.

I do really question OW's character--they are both still married and I just wouldn't be comfortable bringing my kids into it. But, that's her deal.

Part of me actually wishes my kids would meet OW and we could just clear the air. But, it's not worth the risk of how hurt and upset they might be. They think H is gone all the time for work...not to spend time with a new woman and her kids.

Keep_going...hang in there. Your kids are small and a ton of work...I can't imagine. You are so strong!!!


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Nblost #2272728 08/18/12 11:33 PM
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Do not cover for his lies ever. Do not cushion him from any consequences of his actions. Ever. Doing so says to D11 , D9 that it is ok to keep secrets. That it is ok to Break vows and betray. That it is ok to be treated this way by a man.

D11 and D9 already know something is up. This will really mess them up meeting up with Daddies friend with kids.

They are going to be more hurt in the long run with you keeping this from them.

Families are build around truth , responsibilities ,openness and trust.

Not only will they be grieving the loss of the marriage.

But they will also be grieving the loss of a person they thought was perfect.

You can attempt to shield them from this but it will unravel. They can either find out from you who loves them. Or when they watch that horrible woman interact with their father.

I think you do not need to question OW's character.

She is a poor excuse of a human being. Who would do that to her family and yours.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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that was a little harsh. Sorry nblost.... I think your words hit a trigger for me.

I was thinking back to when ladybug actually told people that her plan was to be just the friend , build trust and then come between the mother and daughters. And saw nothing wrong with that.

Triggers.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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I would have made it clear to H that I felt it was VERY INAPPROPRIATE for OW to ask her kids to lie.

(Although I still would have kept my kids up half the night before, loaded them up with soda and candy, and then sent them off with H to meet OW and her kids, like ticking time bombs.....but then, I'm evil wink )

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Chatter, no problem.

I feel okay on this because we saw a counselor with 25 years of experience and everything he say rang true with me. His viewpoint is that my H needed to move out of the house (check), talk to the kids about how we are divorcing (not yet done), wait 6-8 months (not yet done), and then the kids are ready to meet OW. To do so earlier deprives them of their ability to adjust to our marriage ending and see that they can be okay with both mom and dad. Ideally, both parents show the kids that they will be fine with the separate families.

As much as I would like to have the kids meet OW to show them what a scum their dad is...that may really hurt them at this point. They will eventually know the truth but they don't need to know it now.

I have covered for him for a year...it is definitely getting old and trust me...I have triggers going off left and right.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Nblost #2272800 08/19/12 04:44 AM
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Ha ha KML...that was very tempting!

My conversation with him was all via text. Who knows if OW really told her kids to lie or if he thought that was what I wanted to hear? I told him him I didn't want my kids around people who covering things up from them. If her kids were ready to cover it up...it's crazy. They are 10 (twins) and 13. Right around the ages of mine...

I think my biggest worry for my kids is for them to figure out he's establishing a relationship with a new set of kids. He's been home so little for the past year...I think that will hurt.


He's with OW and her three kids...I doubt everything is a bed of roses. But, that's his problem.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Nblost #2272833 08/19/12 08:21 AM
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Nblost -

When H first announced that OW was going to spend the night at his place when he had the kids, he suggested that OW would pretend to leave for the night and come back after the kids had gone to sleep. She would also then leave in the AM before they woke up and pretend to arrive after they woke up.

I obviously told my H that I not only opposed her spending the night, but also having them lie to my kids on top of it. I then added that in the end, if he wanted to lie to his own children, to go ahead.
(OW didn't spend the night that time...)

My point is that I am not going to do anything to protect his R with his kids. Time has a way of putting things where they belong and sooner or later, your H's mistakes with his children will come back to haunt him.

Hang in there! I know you just want to protect your kids from all this junk.

(((Nblost)))


Me & H: 44
D7, D6, S3
Together: 20y, M: 17y
EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12
D Negotiating began 2/15
OW seemingly gone on 3/15
Still negotiating D






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