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A Message from Michele
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Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: Cadet] #2266064
07/27/12 04:57 PM
07/27/12 04:57 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
K
KeepingMyPromise Offline OP
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KeepingMyPromise  Offline OP
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: KeepingMyPromise
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Welcome to the board


Keep posting, you are on moderation right now but stick to one thread until you get to 100 posts.


Does this mean I need to make 100 posts within this thread or pick another thread and start posting? I'm sorry, I am not sure how this works. Thank you for the welcome and the advice. smile

This is YOUR thread, stick to this thread concerning your sich until you get to 100 posts.

You can post on other peoples threads to give them support or offer advice, (it is a good idea to meet others on the board) and they may be able to help you too. smile smile smile

When this thread gets to 100 posts then start a new one and you can add links to each one so that later if you are reading it will all make sense.

Keep this like a journal or a record of your time here at DB.

I hope that explains it more clearly.


Yes, that is clear. Thank you!


W (me): 40
H (WAS): 39
M: 4
Separated: almost a year
(Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: KeepingMyPromise] #2266122
07/27/12 08:44 PM
07/27/12 08:44 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
K
KeepingMyPromise Offline OP
Member
KeepingMyPromise  Offline OP
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
I am having a hard time deciding what to do about employment and our living situation. When we met, I had a better job than my H did. After marriage, I began staying home bc my H did not want me to work. Since he left I got a part-time job. It is enough if he continues to provide for us financially, but in that he does not, I will need to work full-time.

Should I find full-time employment now, even though he has not wanted me to work?


W (me): 40
H (WAS): 39
M: 4
Separated: almost a year
(Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: KeepingMyPromise] #2266129
07/27/12 09:08 PM
07/27/12 09:08 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,194
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,194
NY
Originally Posted By: KeepingMyPromise
Should I find full-time employment now, even though he has not wanted me to work?

Normal advice is to do what is best for you!
The job market is not great right now so my suggestion would be to start looking so that you have some extra time in case you need it.

What would be wrong with having extra money?


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: Cadet] #2266234
07/28/12 12:10 PM
07/28/12 12:10 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
K
KeepingMyPromise Offline OP
Member
KeepingMyPromise  Offline OP
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: KeepingMyPromise
Should I find full-time employment now, even though he has not wanted me to work?

Normal advice is to do what is best for you!
The job market is not great right now so my suggestion would be to start looking so that you have some extra time in case you need it.

What would be wrong with having extra money?


Having the extra money would be very helpful. I am concerned about spreading myself too thin with my family, but if I choose work that that doesn't keep me away from the kids on nights and weekends, we should be fine. Thanks!


W (me): 40
H (WAS): 39
M: 4
Separated: almost a year
(Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: Cadet] #2266237
07/28/12 01:03 PM
07/28/12 01:03 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
K
KeepingMyPromise Offline OP
Member
KeepingMyPromise  Offline OP
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
I know one of the first things recommended in dealing with a WAS is to GAL. I feel like I am regressing here. When my H was here, I did have a life. I was very involved with volunteering (I still do that), I was in school full-time and getting A's (since he left I have flunked out), and our house was nearly spotless (now I am having trouble keeping up). My H worked ungodly hours and had no social life. He did, however, participate in several solo hobbies in his "man cave".

In the weeks leading up to H leaving, when he would see me doing homework he began making comments about how he wished he could finish his degree. The frustrating part about that is that it was his idea for me to stay home with the kids until I was done with school, and then I would work full-time to support us while he used his GI bill to go back to school.

I have tried a few medications for depression, but they only made things worse. Behavior modification works best for me...does anyone have tips on how they pulled themselves out of the slump? I feel like bettering myself actually pushed him away instead of making him more interested in me, but if he does D me, my kids and I will be living in poverty. I have to get my act together.


W (me): 40
H (WAS): 39
M: 4
Separated: almost a year
(Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: KeepingMyPromise] #2266239
07/28/12 01:30 PM
07/28/12 01:30 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
K
KeepingMyPromise Offline OP
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KeepingMyPromise  Offline OP
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K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
I mentioned that I volunteer. I should add that most of the volunteering I do is for my husband's work. I have considered backing away from it as a way of truly going dark, but I do not want to drop the commitment I made just because of his bad behavior.


W (me): 40
H (WAS): 39
M: 4
Separated: almost a year
(Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: Cadet] #2266268
07/28/12 04:24 PM
07/28/12 04:24 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
K
KeepingMyPromise Offline OP
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KeepingMyPromise  Offline OP
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
I have been reading posts from other LBS, and am having some trouble relating them to my current situation. I see LBS taking responsibility for the breakdown of their M because they were depressed, not taking care of themselves, not physically receptive to their spouses, too busy working, etc... I have actually BTDT and learned the hard way with my first H.

This time around, I have been attentive, supportive...always available and always forgiving. I have been trying very hard to live the "fruits of the spirit". Of course I'm not perfect. :P

In changing my attitude and behavior I think I have forgotten how to stand up for myself or let him know when behavior is unacceptable. As one of my friends put it, I just take the bad behavior and delicately eat it with my fork and spoon.

Because H is away and very busy, I am not even sure if he will notice my attempt at LRT.


W (me): 40
H (WAS): 39
M: 4
Separated: almost a year
(Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: KeepingMyPromise] #2266269
07/28/12 04:33 PM
07/28/12 04:33 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
K
KeepingMyPromise Offline OP
Member
KeepingMyPromise  Offline OP
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
As I mentioned earlier, I sought outside help when things got really bad. We have had multiple professionals involved in our sit, and it all boils down to the same thing: I keep being told I have done everything I can, that bc of his deep-seated issues, this was inevitable. He is being told that he shouldn't be with anyone because he will just abuse them(or at least that is how he perceives it from the people put in place to help).


W (me): 40
H (WAS): 39
M: 4
Separated: almost a year
(Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: KeepingMyPromise] #2266271
07/28/12 05:06 PM
07/28/12 05:06 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,194
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,194
NY
Originally Posted By: KeepingMyPromise
I think I have forgotten how to stand up for myself or let him know when behavior is unacceptable. As one of my friends put it, I just take the bad behavior and delicately eat it with my fork and spoon.

This is so typical for most LBS.
We are conflict avoider, pursuing, codependent, enabling, FIXER's.

So yes, we are not perfect and have many things that we can work on while are spouses are orbiting out in space.

LRT is for YOU, to protect YOU.
It is unlikely to FIX your marriage.
But it may help to FIX YOU so that you may be able
to have another relationship in the future.
Hopefully with your spouse.

From what I have learned the LBS gets to choose,
not right now,
but in the end.

So take the focus off of him and put it on YOU.


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: Cadet] #2266272
07/28/12 05:18 PM
07/28/12 05:18 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
K
KeepingMyPromise Offline OP
Member
KeepingMyPromise  Offline OP
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
Thank you, Cadet. I needed to read that.


W (me): 40
H (WAS): 39
M: 4
Separated: almost a year
(Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
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