My husband and I separated several months ago after I pursued getting outside help for the problems we were having. He is currently in the military serving in a combat zone, and indicated just before he left that he will divorce me upon his return from war. I was absolutely the pursuer in the relationship, and have backed off from asking him to work things out with me. I have no way of knowing his mindset because he has not emailed or written to me. There has been a positive change in his behavior in that he deposited money into our joint account after months of not doing so.
Since the time he left, I have refrained from telling him I love him. Last night, I caved and sent him an email telling him I am praying for him and that I love and miss him. I have also sent him a couple of care packages, which he won't receive for possibly a few weeks. I am wondering if I should back off again, if this is too much or if it is right to show support while he is in combat. I know the soldiers with him are receiving mail from their wives. I also know those soldiers are making an effort to communicate with their spouses and my husband is not.
How do I successfully do a 180 without seeming like I have emotionally abandoned my husband during this crucial time in his life?
Being that he is away he is getting the ultimate amount of SPACE right now.
Did he explain why he wants a divorce?
I would let him control the contact.
Your 180 should be working on YOU and not worrying about your relationship with your husband. You are not in control of that right now. You did not break him and you can not FIX him.
Keep posting, you are on moderation right now but stick to one thread until you get to 100 posts.
Have you gotten and read DB/DR yet? If not, do so immediately.
You certainly don't want to apply pressure...stop the "I love yous", "I miss yous" etc. I'm not sure about the care packages...on one hand I think they'd be nice (if done without the pressure), but on the other, they in themselves may be viewed as pressure. Maybe some of the folks with experience with military families can chime in.
What are the problems you mentioned? What are his complaints?
KMP - Sorry you are here, but thought I would let you know I have been on the other side of this (I deployed in '08). He is probably feeling very far removed from you but has alot of other stuff on his mind. You have a couple of opportunities to show him love without pursuing. Be supportive (but do not go overboard)carepackages are good and be welcoming when he comes home on leave (if he hasn't already) or upon his reurn for good. There is not alot you can do inbetween, but if you withdraw your support completely (going dark)he will feel abandoned by you.
Me:48 W:48 Kids: S11,S17,S18 Bombed X 2 1st 2009, 2nd 2010 Current Status: I am really not sure
To answer your question about why he wants a divorce: He says he feels betrayed and cannot trust me. When he returned from his last deployment he was depressed and angry. He began isolating for days at a time. He said we do not communicate well, yet often when I would attempt to broach important subjects he would leave the house or have an outburst which resulted in broken furniture. I got counseling for myself and was encouraged to push the issue of getting him help for his issues. When I reached out and asked for help for him, it embarrassed him. He never physically harmed the children or me, but he would say ugly things. He threatened divorce whenever he was angry, no matter how slight the trigger.
Sex has been minimal since I found pornography on his computer. He says there is nothing wrong with my looks, but that he is not attracted to me because we don't communicate well. When confronted about his treatment of me by an outsider, he accused me of sexual assault for initiating sex with him while he was still here (I did not assault him. I am a very, very petite person. He is much bigger than me and everyone who has heard that accusation who knows us has laughed hysterically.)
KyJoe, Thank you for your input from a military perspective. I have sent a couple of care packages with his favorite snacks. In one I sent funny books (not my humor, but definitely his...he will be surprised I sent them). I have refrained from being my usual mushy self except for one email in which I did say I love him and am praying for him. I wrote it after one of his buddies told me he and his guys are being hit hard.
I should mention that my children are not his biological children. They love him, but they are fed up with his behavior. Since I did "slip up" and send him the email telling him I love him, I am planning not to initiate any more emails.
W (me): 40 H (WAS): 39 M: 4 Separated: almost a year (Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
Keep posting, you are on moderation right now but stick to one thread until you get to 100 posts.
You might get more responses in newcomers.
Does this mean I need to make 100 posts within this thread or pick another thread and start posting? I'm sorry, I am not sure how this works. Thank you for the welcome and the advice.
W (me): 40 H (WAS): 39 M: 4 Separated: almost a year (Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
Keep posting, you are on moderation right now but stick to one thread until you get to 100 posts.
Does this mean I need to make 100 posts within this thread or pick another thread and start posting? I'm sorry, I am not sure how this works. Thank you for the welcome and the advice.
This is YOUR thread, stick to this thread concerning your sich until you get to 100 posts.
You can post on other peoples threads to give them support or offer advice, (it is a good idea to meet others on the board) and they may be able to help you too.
When this thread gets to 100 posts then start a new one and you can add links to each one so that later if you are reading it will all make sense.
Keep this like a journal or a record of your time here at DB.
