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Hey guys,
Amada or anyone else, if you ever feel like you want to talk about any of this or anything else, feel free to email me -- mindy s gray at gmail dot com. I always find it helps.

Honestly, I'm not messy or dirty or even disorganized. I take pretty good care of things, but my husband was always eager to do the washing and clean the bathroom and clean the kitchen. I could have waited a little bit longer or may have done a less thorough job and been ok. He wanted to do it and sometimes I just didn't feel like doing it, and he would go and do it all. And if I'd offer my help, he'd say, no, it's ok. And if I DID try to do something, he'd tell me I did it wrong. I tried to clean the food processor the other week and forgot to take off a piece to clean, and he was annoyed about it. That kind of thing wouldn't bother me. I guess he felt like he was the one doing it all, but he didn't have to be so over the top about it and could have asked for help and could have been a little more lenient and not put me down so much.

I think the biggest two things in my situation was being too dependent and playing too many games.

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I am happy for you, that you found a way to have it easier with the tidyness. I can tell you this:

I am working on myself, I go to therapy, I have a coach, I am reading self help books, I had women who came to clean, I had an organizer who came every week, I made plans, I've thrown away tons of stuff and so on, and so on.

I don't have problems to throw away things. I just can't find a daily routine.

And I tried to negotiate with my husband. He wouldn't listen nor talk to me. He just wants it the way he wants it.


So, I think it's not very fair of you, accusing me of not wanting to be more tidy, especially since you don't know me at all.

I tried to write this to you in a PM, but they are disabled.

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My last post was for adinva

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Oh hi Amada - I just realized I was in sofiedaphne's bootcamp and hijacked it. I am sorry I came across as accusing you, and it probably is kind of an accusation, so I see that. If I weren't struggling with the same thing (both the tidiness and the overarching question of changing for someone) I wouldn't have felt so free to share my experience. And that's all it is, my experience. We can take it up in my thread or yours if you want to, but I sympathize with how much you've tried. I feel empowered to change anything I don't like about myself now, and I wish you did too. Best regards, Ad.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Adinva

Thanks for the apology.

Amada

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Hey guys.
I am going out tonight with some new internet friends which I guess will be nice. Husband has to come around again one day this week to give me a couch. I don't know what to do. I feel so sad.

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Congratulations on deciding to go out!! I wish you a lot of fun smile

I do things to GAL, too and many times I fees sad, but I still believe it's one of the most important things I can do...

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((((sophiedahne)))

You are being so strong, I know that it might not feel like it at times but what you are doing takes an incredible amount of strength. Kudos to you!

This does all take time I'm afraid, a word I grew to hate was patience but it really was the key to progress. This does not mean sitting back and waiting but letting go of expectations that things will happen at certain times, or if this happens then this will.

In my sitch I had the greatest trouble letting go of 'stuff' - by which I mean the sale of our house. Someone gave me a good bit of advice once which was do you want your husband to come back because of your 'stuff' or because of you. I actually found that once we had let go of the 'stuff' through out which time I showed him grace, poise and that I was ok (throw in a bit of emotion because we are only human) was when we started to move into stage 2 - friendship. He then started asking to meet up with me which was a huge achievement because at the start of it all he would barely talk to me.

He also helped me move house and this was a good opportunity to be attractive. Men are very visual, look good. Not only will it help your situation it will also make you feel better. Show grace, I read a good book on 'feminine grace', yes this is a horrible time but you can cope and you are very evidentally doing so. Show him this by just being you, the you he fell in love with - he thinks you are smart and kind but are too dependent. Now is your time to show him you are Ms Independence by GALing.

Also, just a piece of advice I wish I had taken to heart although it is the hardest because it is scary. Don't be too available, read the bit in DR about this.

Don't expect too much too quickly. The problem is, how can they show you their feelings are changing until they are sure, just as they didn't before they dropped the bomb, hence the expression. Look for signs of progress in other ways, the fact that he is in contact with you, the fact that he does things for you (have you read the 5 love languages?).

Have a think about these questions and we can frame up some goals if you would like.

What would you like to change about your relationship?

What are you doing that is working and producing good results?

What are you doing that isn't working and producing bad results?

What can you do to be a more attractive prospect to him? As 25mlc says, be someone only a fool would leave.

you are doing a good job, I know it looks bleak and I understand all that you are feeling but you will get through it I promise.


M- May 2006
D - Aug 2010
Now travelling the world
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I'm posting because I may have taken it a little too far. Basically, I was with friends at a party in Brooklyn. Things got out of hand, and I kissed a boy. Of course, now I feel really guilty about it. I guess there's not much I can do about it now, but I just felt like I needed to talk about it here. Husband has no way of finding out, but I do feel very badly about it.

In terms of what has happened with husband lately: his mutual friend told me that husband said that he thought me moving out was "for the best" but he was happy that we were not fighting (which we're not). At aforementioned party, my cell phone got stolen by my friend's sister's friend, and husband got the message showing that I had bought a new phone and he texted to ask if something had happened. I explained the situation and he apologized and then made a joke, which he has not done in a long time. He said something to the effect of "just keep sending random annoying beeping noises to the phone!" (which you can do with iCloud if you track an iPhone). He also called me for the first time the other day, because I had asked him about a router since the wireless signal in my new apartment is very poor. That was surprising; I thought we were kind of just sticking to texting/emailing/google chatting. He has also been working a lot of hours and has been taking all of the overtime that he can at work, which I guess is good for him because I know things will be tight for him financially for awhile. We really have not been talking a whole lot though.

He is coming on Friday so we can swap cars, and he also has the couch/router/other random bits to give to me.

I have been taking care of a lot of things for myself that I otherwise probably wouldn't have. I felt so compelled to call him so many times and ask him what to do. In particular, the cell phone thing (omg what phone/plan should I get!) but I figured it out on my own, and my car battery died, but I took care of that too.

I feel like I really screwed up here, and I feel terrible about it.

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Well, feeling vulnerable plus alcohol, these things happen. I did the same about 6 months after the bomb actually it was more than a kiss with me. Didn't make me feel great but was probably a reflection of my self esteem at the time. Don't beat yourself up, learn and move on.

Have you had a think about the questions above?


M- May 2006
D - Aug 2010
Now travelling the world
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