H says ready to work on relationship, now what?

[MrBond]

"I hope my H seeks the IC he needs. I think he is starting to see the importance of it. We'll see if he takes the next step. He's so resistant to it, though. "

Wrong. You don't "hope" he gets IC. He must get IC. Make it your boundary. If not, you will find yourself here again.

Since he's resistant to it, then don't take him back. He's still thinking about himself and what he feels comfortable with. He's not thinking about how much shame you had to go through in dealing with his selfish affair.

At what point does he stop being selfish and start thinking about YOUR NEEDS? Don't enable him.

[Starsky309]

"I hope my H seeks the IC he needs. I think he is starting to see the importance of it. We'll see if he takes the next step. He's so resistant to it, though. "

Wrong. You don't "hope" he gets IC. He must get IC. Make it your boundary. If not, you will find yourself here again.

Since he's resistant to it, then don't take him back. He's still thinking about himself and what he feels comfortable with. He's not thinking about how much shame you had to go through in dealing with his selfish affair.

At what point does he stop being selfish and start thinking about YOUR NEEDS? Don't enable him.

Agree 100%. ^^^


Starsky

[Some Day]

H has agreed to go to IC. Has appointment in two weeks. I hope this helps!

[Some Day]

Thanks Mr. Bond and Starsky. Yes, you are right. Once I made it clear to him that IC was not an option and a critical component to the recovery of our M, he agreed and actually followed through by making the appointment.

I'm not backing down on this issue. He needs IC if there are any hopes for the long-term survival of our M.

[Starsky309]

Very good!!!

[tinker]

Someday, just been reading your story and there was so much in there that parallels mine I felt I just had to write to say how brilliantly you have handled things. I unfortunately am a classic example of someone who forgot everything about DB as soon I thought things were moving in the right direction, moved back too soon and and now back in the position of a husband who 'knows' I'm not what he wants.

Please keep posting, and I wish you the very best.

[Some Day]

Thanks, tinker. Dbing is so stuff. It's so easy to get discouraged and give up. Right now I've been feeling a little stuck. Yes, there has been progress. But, also I see that there is so much work to do. It seems daunting at times.

One of the things that I see needs to change is the openness and transparency in our marriage. H tends to keep things from me (good or bad). For example, he has a female friend who emailed him to "catch up". He emailed her that he would call her this week to update her on the latest happenings. I'm pretty sure their friendship has not been sexual, but I am still bothered by it. I have been waiting a couple of days to see if he does the right thing and tells me about the contact. If not, I will ask him about it (he knows I can access his email). I wish he would tell me and me open about it. I guess old habits die hard.

[Starsky309]

SD,

I'm glad you are holding firm on the transparency thing. Let us know what he does/says. Remember, it is HIS responsibility to make YOU feel safe again in the relationship, not the other way around!


Starsky

[Starsky309]

Some Day,

Did you ask your husband about the e-mail? What did he say?


Starsky

[Some Day]

It's been a while! Things are going well. Hubby continues going to IC and it seems to be helping him very much. I feel like we are much closer. He is getting better at the transparency, openness thing- although sometimes he doesn't tell me things right away, but a few days later. But it is progress. As much as I feel like we are doing well in our marital recovery, I haven't let down my guard entirely. Besides Divorce Busting- I would like to recommend Dr. Harley's books: Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters. We have been reading these books together and they have really helped us have meaningful communication and put steps in place to make our marriage better than it was pre H's affair.