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A Message from Michele
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Re: Sandi2's 37 Rules [Re: Mat] #2459898
06/12/14 07:57 PM
06/12/14 07:57 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
Mat, I don't think you're under any obligation to tell her to whom you're turning for advice and support. I would stay mysterious, and say something vague like "At times like these, you really learn who your friends are," or "I'm doing what I need to do in order to get some advice and support from a few close people I trust," and leave it at that.

She has walked away from you. You need to let her put on her BGPs.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Sandi2's 37 Rules [Re: Starsky309] #2462998
06/24/14 06:06 PM
06/24/14 06:06 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 13
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Icedtea Offline
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Icedtea  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 13
I love these rules! They really help me stay focused. While I want H back, I know that all of my changes are for me!

After only a week, he has started mentioning them and saying he is scared it is all for him. I thank him for the compliment but mention that it is for me and my happiness. I want to have a great relationship with myself and the kids.

His BD was a wake up call that I haven't been happy with myself for a while, but I need to make changes for me and the kids. I want my marriage, but I feel like changes will work if I do it for us and not for him.

It has been a sad time, but I have also felt like I have been closer to my kids.

Re: Sandi2's 37 Rules [Re: AlwaysTrying] #2464693
06/30/14 02:23 PM
06/30/14 02:23 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 271
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BigMac Offline
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BigMac  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 271
Wow, I'm so glad I found these. I was doing everything wrong.


Me: 35
Her: 33
D : 16
S : 9
Together: 14 years
Married: 12
She left 4/14/2014
Separated: 5/25/2014
OM Confirmed 7/2014
She filed 8/7/2014
I Filed 10/21/2014
Divorce final 2/12/2015
Re: Sandi2's 37 Rules [Re: BigMac] #2467192
07/09/14 12:22 PM
07/09/14 12:22 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 347
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Meghan Offline
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Meghan  Offline
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Posts: 347
Maybe I missed it elsewhere, but I've looked and can't find the answer.

How do the rules and DBing in general fit in the context of marriage counseling?

We're in counseling, and my main concerns are that I tend to cry because things get really emotional with the pointed questions.

On top of that, we're supposed to be talking about our relationship in detail and from both sides. It's especially hard to successfully do things like validating H.'s experiences of resentment and his issues when I'm being asked to talk about my points, too.

Is it possible to both follow the rules and to go through marriage counseling together?


M - 34
H - 36
Together 10 years
Married 4 years
BD - March, 2014
Re: Sandi2's 37 Rules [Re: AlwaysTrying] #2469663
07/16/14 10:02 PM
07/16/14 10:02 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 188
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Gotan74 Offline
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Gotan74  Offline
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Posts: 188
I have a question about going dark. If my wife felt alone in the family should I do this if she seems to want to spend time with me and the kids.?


Me 40 W 40
Re: Sandi2's 37 Rules [Re: Gotan74] #2470374
07/18/14 08:10 PM
07/18/14 08:10 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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mindsin Offline
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mindsin  Offline
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Posts: 370
The hardest one is the no pursuing/chasing/begging rule. I've broken that several times unfortunately.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Re: Sandi2's 37 Rules [Re: Meghan] #2471039
07/21/14 06:44 PM
07/21/14 06:44 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,065
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sandi2 Offline
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sandi2  Offline
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Posts: 18,065
Quote:
How do the rules and DBing in general fit in the context of marriage counseling?


They don't fit at all with some MC! And sometimes, it can cause confusion for you, not knowing which way to go.

From what I have seen on the board, if there is a WAS (and especially one in an A) MC is not very helpful in bringing the couple together. Mainly due to the WAS not wanting to work on the R. However, I do believe a MC who is solution based (and familiar with MWD's material)could give support to the LBS. But don't attend as a couple, b/c you will face resistance from the WAS.

I do believe once the couple has moved into piecing the M back together again, they certainly need a good solution-based C to help guide them. Difference is that in "piecing"-- both are willing to work.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Sandi2's 37 Rules [Re: Gotan74] #2471042
07/21/14 06:56 PM
07/21/14 06:56 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,065
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sandi2 Offline
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sandi2  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,065
Quote:
I have a question about going dark. If my wife felt alone in the family should I do this if she seems to want to spend time with me and the kids.?


Do you know what "going dark" involves? In glancing over your thread, I hardly see it being a successful move on your part. MWD suggests that going dark is saved until all else has failed. As many kids and activities your family has, I don't see how you could be dark. And, if not applied correctly, it loses the intended effect. I suggest you not go that route at this time.

BTW, (not saying you are, but) don't confuse the term going dark with detaching.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Sandi2's 37 Rules [Re: AlwaysTrying] #2472593
07/25/14 08:28 PM
07/25/14 08:28 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 188
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Gotan74 Offline
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Gotan74  Offline
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Posts: 188
Sandi one more question. In my stitch my wife was close to a mental breakdown and she had separated herself from the family slowly. She felt alone and probably thought she had no choice but to leave me and our 4 kids. She says that she doesn't want to date anyone just be alone but she spends 4 days a week at home. She doesn't ask for anything but changes have been made. We go out once and sometimes twice a week. Is this ok or am I chasing and pursuing?


Me 40 W 40
Re: Sandi2's 37 Rules [Re: Gotan74] #2472618
07/25/14 10:06 PM
07/25/14 10:06 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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MrBond  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Gotan74,

Have you actually read the DB or DR books? It seems like you're asking alot of the questions that re in the book. The only way you're going to learn is by reading them and understanding the concepts. You shouldn't be asking so many questions from others to get the "Cliff Notes" version.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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