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I'm unmotivated. I'm clueless what to do. One foot is out the door and the other is off the floor. The only thing keeping me here at this point is that I don't want to be D'd, there's nothing making me want to stay M'd.

I need to hear some good news. Do you have a success story? Sandi has a great one, I've read it end-to-end. Any others?


Me:49 WAW H:59
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cville, I would love to hear your full story. I am currently the victim of WAW and it is destroying me. I would like to understand everything of the question "WHY"?

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1702, I'm sorry for your sitch. I suspect it's not easy for your WAW either. I read something once and put a sticky note on my laptop, because it so eloquently portrayed the perspective of the WAW. I wish I remembered where I got it so I could credit the author, but this is it:
Quote:
When a spouse walks away, it isn't usually a spur of the moment decision. The groundwork for her desire to be out of the relationship was laid bit by bit over many years.

She started out trusting you and believing in you. She started out knowing that you would love her and desire her presence in your life.

As the years went by and she found out time and again that what she believed was in fact not true...well...it changes people inside. She didn't wake up one morning and decide to go. She talked herself in to this being her only suitable response to life with you.

For me, it all boils down to selfishness on my H's part. I'm sure my story isn't unique. Years of communicating my issues, his promising to address them and then breaking his promises, and then accusing me of nagging because it continued to be a problem for me. At this point, I just feel like I have tried it all, multiple times with no success.

What I see in my sitch with my H is that our M is good for him, so he doesn't understand how painful it is for me. It's like telling someone you have a migraine who has never had a migraine. They think "headache." But anyone who has had both knows the difference. It isn't until the spouse leaves that the LBS begins to actually feel some of what the WAS felt for a long time. Only then are they miserable, and the WAS is looking like they're fine, because they've had a long time to get over it already. You're experiencing the same thing your WAW has probably felt for some time, just on a different timeline. You pulled the band-aide off her hair-by-hair, while she pulled it off you in one swift yank.

Are you posting to other forums? The DB'ing principles do work for many people. Not all, but it could be worth your trying it. I don't know your sitch. I guess I would just suggest to you that you spend some serious energy thinking back on the things she said to you in the past. My H will still tell you he doesn't have a clue what I need from him, yet at the same time would tell you all I do is nag. He doesn't seem to have the capacity to connect the dots (even though I've connected them for him) but you need to if you want to know where things went wrong in your R.


Me:49 WAW H:59
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CV, thanks so much for responding. There are 3 sides to every story... Hers, mine, and the truth. So you can take this as my side, but we didn't have years to go by that she felt that I was "pulling the hairs out one by one". Less that 6 months after we were married, she gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. Many issues started this, but i truly feel this was a by product of her undiagosed depression. She was addicted to non-narcotic pain pills, came off those only to be addicted to something alot worse. When she came off those, for the reason of us being able to have another child, the wd's were terrible. (cold turkey). thigs got better with us for a couple weeks, and it has been downhill ever since. Things she complained about were issues I had the entire time like spending time together, not communicating., ect...

After a short conversation with W last night, I have found that she blames me for the breakdown of our marriage because I couldn't compromise about things. When I called her out about these things and the fact that of all those things, she ended up getting it the way she wanted, she then told me that it shouldn't have been a big deal to begin with. And when I told her the reasons they were a big deal for me was because I wanted to have a marriage and family, she proceeded to tell me that those are what "did it for her".

I am so confused because after her depression kicked in from the meds, and even though I am not a dr., (believe it was depression, all signs and symptoms), she became a different person, not wanting all the things that made her fall in love with me from the beginning.

Now she is running, not walking away from our marriage without even trying anything to fix things. Basically after only a few short months of things not being good with us, she is adamant that she never loved me, shouldn't have said yes to proposal, and that this is better for both of us.

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I just wanted you to know I have lived up to my short comings and have "seen the light". I know and understand the issues she has had with me and have changed, for this has totally changed my life. I am a different person from this. It's almost I am grateful for this happening, because I know the things I needed to change. But to blame me for everything really hurts. Especially since alot of the things she blamed me for were issues I was trying to help our marriage.

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I was yanked around by several doctors. They put me on AD's and then take me off cold turkey. I am not using that as an excuse for my actions of an EA, but I can look back and see how messed up I was and I certainly believe medication (over dosing, wrong kind, or suddenly pulled off) can change a person's outlook, personality, judgment, and actions. It's serious stuff and she needs to be under one doctor (and hopefully, he knows what he's doing). Usually, it's a good idea for a close family member to communicate with the doctor and go with the patient for appointments.

My heart goes out to you!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi, these meds were much worse that AD's. Problem is she has blamed the state of our M on problems with our marriage, not anything that depression has caused. she eve said that depression was caused from how bad our M was. In my eyes, she never gave it a chance.

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And it doesn't help that she is in medical field. Plus the fact that there are other "drug" issues within her immediate family. The cannot confront her as she knows more of what they do. Plus the fact that they are "enablers".

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1702, if you're dealing with depression and addiction problems, there isn't much you can do to overcome the issues. You're fighting a beast much bigger than you. You could be the perfect H and it still might not make a difference. I can give you the perspective of a WAS, but not a perspective in regards to depression and addiction, sorry.


Me:49 WAW H:59
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CV, you are exactly right. The thing that I cannot quit thinking about is how she changed over night. When we first met and the first six months of our R, we talked soooooo much about what we wanted out of life, family, and family/marriage. Each and everything we talked about, we were on the same page. But shortly after stopping the meds, she became a different person. By the way, she stopped so we could start to think about having children.
And now she blames the bad marriage on her depression. I felt like her depression is the cause of many of our problems.

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