The STBX when he left he moved right in with this Girlfriend. They bought a new home together last summer. My girls have been there once when she wasnt home, they were on their way home one day and he stopped there for 20 minutes to show them where he moved. They only met the GF one time for a couple of minutes. My oldest said she felt forced and didn't want to meet her.
When the ex was making may youngest feel bad last night for not wanting to spend time at his new home. He told her that the GF said that if she came she would stay away from her because she knows how it is. Not sure what to think of that. It could be genuinie or it could be my ex manipulating my daughter by making her feel guilty.
Me:43 H:43 T:20 YRS M:15 YRS Bomb: 6/9/08 Bomb#2 7/6/10 Served with papers at work 7/13/10 DD:14, DD:11
the worst part of D is the kids getting caught in the cross fire, grrr. He should not be pressuring her and do bring it up, calmly letting him know that your daughter has to be ready on her time.
Regardless he might blame you, I got blamed when my kids acted up when he was married to mega-hag long ago, he thought I made them act that way to get back at him (phluase! as if he mattered more than my kids, these men are full of themselves). When you bring it up don't use the word "you" too much and keep it neutral... poor girls, dealing with his messes.
And about him hitting on you, as if! jerk, if he does that again ask him if what's-her-name knows you are doing it... he just wants his cake and eat it too, ignore that crazy man.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Well, I hate to tell you this - but it never gets better. But eventually - your ex MIGHT get the message - that's all.
My ex left over 10 years ago and moved in then eventually married his affair partner. My children (then in their teens) wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. And still don't. And could not be forced to.
My son met her once. The night he realized she was living with his dad and he confronted them both. It was BAD!!! He won't go near their house and their dad knows in no uncertain terms that she is never to be around him.
My daughter was turning 13 when he left. We tried to protect her from "the truth". Then dickhead ex just let it slip one day. She was heartbroken but also refused to be near "maggot". (ow).
Ex has always insisted that I influenced the kids in their decision to not have a R with her. Never gave them any credit for having the intelligence or the right to make up their own minds.
Ex took D to his house on a visit one night after he had bought it - told her no one else would be there. She told me she was uncomfortable. Then another time he insisted she stay there while he fixed her car but that maggot would be at work. Again - she was uncomfortable. Recently he was extremely ill and is semi disabled at present so she went there to visit him (he agreed that maggot would not be around). She told me it was strange to her and uncomfortable with photos of her and her brothers in the room and some of her childhood home decor pieces around. She doesn't want to go back again any time soon.
Continue to support your daughter's in the choices they make. Let them tell their dad how the feel. Ignore the stupid things he says.
Last year my son told me his dad talked to him about moving fwd and leaving all the crap in the past and that he wanted him and his sister (other son is severely disabled and can't make the choice) to accept them and even to have holiday dinners there on occasion. I told son that it was his choice and I would support his decision no matter what he decided. He just laughed and said "No way!!". Although he feels some guilt about not spending much time with his dad.
It is SO difficult. But the kids did not choose this any more than we did. All we can do is love them and be there for them.
I think my ex is finally starting to realize the mess he made.
STBX Is going to Orlando for 10 days. Says its for work but then staying extra days to have fun. Yes his "troll" is going and probably her daughter. They took her daughter to Vegas with them last year when they went.
It just gets me how he doesn't have a care in the world. Just packs up and goes wherever and whenever he wants. Doesn't have to worry about his own daughters and arraigning their schedules, doesn't have to plan ahead of time.
I don't know why this is bothering me so much. If I want to go out for a night with friends I have to make sure the Girls are okay. Arrange all of our schedules. Ect.
He leaves today...the funny thing is he came to see them yesterday. Only my youngest would go out with him and even she put up a fight about it. But then he takes her out shopping and spends all this money on her. Even though he is always complaining how broke he is. He's either feeling very guilty or trying to make the oldest jealous because she won't go with him. Or both.
Ugh !! Orlando was always our "family" thing. Disney every other year with the Girls . We even had a Disney honeymoon. Maybe that is why this is bothering me so much.
Me:43 H:43 T:20 YRS M:15 YRS Bomb: 6/9/08 Bomb#2 7/6/10 Served with papers at work 7/13/10 DD:14, DD:11
Sitting here watching TV while I am in a medical leave from work and I pass by the show "Cheaters" I know I shouldn't watch it. It brings up to many painful memories of that time in my life. It leaves me with the questions that I know I will never get the answers too. How many affairs were there ? How many girlfriends ? This last girlfriend, the one he moved in with after he had me served. How long was this going on...Months, years. I am leaning towards years. As I look back on the last years. I think it was years when I put the prices together. It still hurts like it was yesterday.
I was going to send him this. Decided I will Do it here instead. I know I will never get the answers anyways. And really what difference would it make now ? I don't know maybe it would maybe it wouldn't !
Me:43 H:43 T:20 YRS M:15 YRS Bomb: 6/9/08 Bomb#2 7/6/10 Served with papers at work 7/13/10 DD:14, DD:11
I could just scream. Our nice quiet evening at home( me and my Girls ) just got interrupted By the STBX. Calls up here, on my cell, I don't know why he didn't call them on their own phone, telling them he has to know NOW if they are going to go on vacation this summer with him and the girlfriend. Because its $600. More to get the place with the extra room. I just hate the way he calls here pressuring them. The youngest is fine going, but the oldest is unsure. They have met the girlfriend for all of 10 minutes one time last summer. This is a stranger to them. He says they need to be pressured, Because he has been with her for 2 years now. I understand it's been a while, I personally think he's been with her long before he left me. But they don't want to spend a whole week with her. He tells me if they don't come this week they won't get any vacation time from him this year. WTF. HE DRIVES ME CRAZY !!
Me:43 H:43 T:20 YRS M:15 YRS Bomb: 6/9/08 Bomb#2 7/6/10 Served with papers at work 7/13/10 DD:14, DD:11
They don't think they have done anything wrong...even years later. The relationship he has with them is between them and their Dad. His blackmail tactics will catch up with him eventually. Keep being their support and they will see things as they are.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kat, Thank you !! I know you are right. It hurts to see the Girls struggling because they don't want to go, but will probably agree too because of the guilt he is giving them.
Me:43 H:43 T:20 YRS M:15 YRS Bomb: 6/9/08 Bomb#2 7/6/10 Served with papers at work 7/13/10 DD:14, DD:11
Ugh. So they both decided to go. Admittedly under pressure. I expected that they would go. Even encouraged it, only a little. LOL. But I did tell them to go and have fun. But it still hurts. This will be their first vacation with her and really the first time meeting her. Since they only met once before for 10 minutes a year ago. Now they all will be spending a week together. Oh and get this on the timing. The vacation is going to happening on the week our divorce becomes final. How ironic !!
Luckily I already have a couple things planned for that week to keep me busy. I have my first 5k I already registered for and then I have a Roger Waters concert on the last day of their vacation.
I'm sure I will make it through this. Just being the first time wil Make it a rough one.
Me:43 H:43 T:20 YRS M:15 YRS Bomb: 6/9/08 Bomb#2 7/6/10 Served with papers at work 7/13/10 DD:14, DD:11
I totally understand the way you feel. I have lived through my ex running off with ow after a long time cheating and my kids wanted nothing to do with it all. So he never had my daughter (my son's were legal age at the time he left) overnight or for a visit or anything. I knew she was missing out on a lot so during our divorce negotiations I said that I thought he should take the kids on vacation (he was complaining about feeling ostracized by them). I even offered him to use our family cottage (which I was maintaining and bought out from him in the divorce. He very clearly stated "NOT WITHOUT MAGGOT"! (pet name for ow). Then he NEVER made plans.
So nearly 11 years have gone by. He has gone on lush vacations (currently he is heading to Russia) but not once has he taken his children.
So the kids have missed out. And now tell me they wish they had a better R with him (they do see him a few times a year and he did see Ashley once or twice a month in her teen years). He wants them to come for a holiday dinner (Thanksgiving or something) and I tell them that they have to do what is right for them. And they tell me NO - they will NOT accept her - the woman who broke up their family. So it never ends for them.
I think your kids should go. I don't think they should miss out on time with their father. Sometimes I think the way the OP is around the kids is enough to make the R fall apart. Or maybe they will like her. Let's hope that they do (for their own comfort).
I was proud that my kids took a stand and although I did not push them - I was happy they chose NOT to have a R with OW. But listening to my son struggle over it now is different. It makes me think that maybe I should have encouraged them to be with them together.
Be happy for your girls getting this chance to go on vacation. They can figure out for themselves whether they want to go again based on this first time.
