My husband and I have known each other since 1995. We both met while in college in NC, and were friends immediately. For about week, after I broke up with the scum I ended up being with for years after that, we fell for each other blissfully.
We wrote each other that summer, but I got back with the scum, so no more letters. We continued to be friends, and would see each other on campus or around town off and on. But nothing every happened. Then one weekend while I was back home in NC visiting a friend, I saw his best friend. I think he was more excited to see me. LOL His first words were “I cannot wait to tell ____ I saw you.” I got my husband’s phone number and called him as soon as I got up the next day. I found out he actually lived in my area. We started hanging out and then became intimate. One time. I didn’t really like it and decided not to call him again. LOL My friends encouraged me to give the man another chance, so we remained friends. He ended up becoming unemployed and had to move back to NC. I was livid because he didn’t tell me until he had already moved back.
Then I needed a date for a wedding, he came up that weekend, and the rest as they say is history. We dated (officially) for 2 years before getting married in the Bahamas. We’ve been married just shy of 3 years. We have one son, my stepson who is 19 and lives in NC with his mother.
During the past 3 years, our marriage has been at most trying. He was unemployed for basically the whole year before we got married, and then much of the first year we got married. I did not handle it well. I come from a family where a man works; no matter what it is he has to do. He believes as long as unemployment is coming in, I can take my time to find the right position. Needless to say, things were rocky. We talked about separation once during that first year, but decided against it I did catch him having a text “relationship” back and forth during that year. This also happened prior to us getting married. (Yeah, yeah, I know!)
Enter the 2nd year…things are better, but not by much. I find yet another phone bill with a mysterious number being called and texted at all times of the night. I lose it, tell him to get out, and he does. I then proceed to beg him to come back. He goes to stay with his mom, and comes back and says he wants out. I beg and plead some more and he stays. (UGH!)
Year 2 is a little better. I start IC and we end up in MC. Things go fairly well until I mention to him that since he tends to have a lot to say in MC, he might want to think about going to IC like me. Well, he didn’t want to continue. We have another big fight, he goes home to his mother’s yet again, but we make up when he gets back. All along he’s been telling me about my tone when I talk to him. This time, I actually listen to him and work hard and trying to change.
But something still isn’t right. I can feel it in my bones, but I’m not sure what. We haven’t been intimate in MONTHS, and I’m getting that feeling again. Checking the phone bill, and the same numbers appear or so I thought. We went out of town for New Year’s Eve and I just knew it was finally going to happen. NOT! I was upset and let him know, but let it go. Then when nothing still had not happened around January 3rd, I told him he had to tell me what was going on. That’s when Bomb #1 comes out: He’s not happy. We’re not compatible and just don’t need to be in a relationship with each other. He still loves me but doesn’t think we can be together. I beg, I plead. I ask him if there’s anyone else. He says no. I ask about MC. He says No, he’s done.
I accepted it and started the Love Dare the next day. Told him I wasn’t giving up on us. But it just wasn’t making any sense. I then get the idea to check his iPad to see if I could find anything. He was spending an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom with that thing “listening to music”.
Come to find out he’s been having an affair (not sure if it’s just EA or full blown) for about 6 months (as far as I can tell from going back and looking at the phone bills). He actually had a whole identity on Twitter that I didn’t even know about. I’m actually happy to find this news out. (Crazy right?) It just let me know that it wasn’t all me. Anyway, I confront him calmly and tell him that I know there’s another person, and while it hurts me, I’m still not giving up on our marriage. And…this chick is friends with my stepson on FB. That burns me up! He’s 19; he’ll friend anyone on FB!
He went out of town last weekend after that conversation (to a town near where OW lives). Not sure if he saw her, but they’ve both since locked their Twitter accounts down. I asked him why. He told me it would be awkward. This is definitely an alien talking to me.
So…getting near the end...since he’s been back, he’s been sleeping on the couch. There’s been so much tension in the house. I’m trying to GAL as much as possible, but some days I can barely get out of bad. And God, do I miss sleeping beside him. And talking to him. And laughing with him. I was able to eat 2 half meals yesterday which is more than I’ve had in two weeks. The adultery diet helped me shed around 15 pounds already. Which I needed to lose.
I sent him an email today telling him that I still wasn’t giving up on us, even with the OW involved. I told him I was sorry that my behavior in our marriage had caused him so much pain, and that God was working on me with showing unconditional love even before I knew about the OW. I told him that we both promised before God that we would honor our covenant and that’s what I’m doing, even if he doesn’t want to. He responded that he’d always love me and he misses our friendship too. And he’s sorry for all the pain he’s caused me. (I know…take it with a grain of salt)
From the posts I’ve read everyone is saying GAL like never before. But what if I wasn’t showing enough attention to start with? My husband needs lots of attention, which I think is what this woman is providing. Should I still GAL? I’m so confused. It’s only been two weeks and I’m still floundering.
I also find it funny that he didn’t choose anyone where we live. We live in a Metro area where the population of woman to man is like 10:1.
My question is now what? Is there a way to get individual DB sessions? I can’t afford the $390 3-session deal just yet. But I need to start somewhere. I have both DR & DB books, as well as the Tough Love book by Dobson.
Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door...
#2214283 01/20/1212:00 PM01/20/1212:00 PM
how about you start by literally taking a couple of deep breaths....and then read on.
your biggest risk at this point is that you will over-pursue your H and drive him into solidifying a position of wanting out. plus, desperation is not exactly an appealing quality is it? i'm saying that playfully, not critically. but that's true, no?
at the same time, i know how very hard it can be not to feel panic stricken and desperate. and that is one of the reasons you need to work on a GAL strategy. you need to move on this and move fast i think - otherwise you are at risk for a downward spiral of wallowing. the good news: i believe you can GAL and really begin to respect yourself for it.
i encourage you, then, to do two things. first, think about what your life would look like if it were just the way you wanted it (aside from the relational part with your husband). then identify the things you would need to do - very specific things - to get there. what would those things be?
secondly, make a list of 10 random things - small things - that you've never done or want to do - and do them within the next week. do two of them today.
as you are doing these different things, please observe whether your H is initiating any discussions about your relationship. if he is, see what happens when you mostly listen to what he says, validate his point of view and then let him know you really want some time to think about what he said before you reply or comment. if he is not initiating conversations, then let that be for a while. that can be so hard in this situation, but - once again - i believe you can do it.
does this help you roroinMD? please post and let me know....
Thanks onyourside2. I did need to be told to take those deep breaths. It's been a CRAZY two weeks. I was already high strung and this hasn't helped. LOL
I tend to talk a lot, and analyze things, so my beginning posts will seem a little long winded. My major in college was Comp Sci, so forgive me!
I totally agree with the over-pursuing thing. And personally I am getting kind of obstinate about seeming desperate. LOL (Which is why I'm here asking for help.)
Thinking about my life if it were just the way I wanted it:
-lose about 100lbs (seriously, I've lost 15 in the last two weeks, I'd take another 20 or 30 or so right now) I work out, but haven't really been consistent since he dropped the first bomb. I need to do this for myself. Come Monday, back on my regular schedule.
-Have a clean house (the clutter is really out of control. Started clean-up last weekend, and will continue this weekend)
As for the 10 random things, I thought I needed to think about that. I'm always so busy taking care of my family (extended included) that I rarely do things just for me. Then an idea came to me as I was reading over my post. I do not watch scary movies. I'm a wimp I know! But some scary movies are really good. So that's first on my list - Go see The Devil Inside. We're supposed to have bad weather tonight, so I probably won't be able to go until tomorrow, but I am going. (The Hubs will probably want to go if I mention it to him as he loves scary movies. I'm assuming I should just go. But then that seems like I'm deliberately going out of my way not to do stuff with him. Am I over thinking this? Help!)
I am kind of excited about this list!
We have NOT talked about our relationship at all since this past weekend (which wasn't a good conversation). I honestly don't have the energy for it yet. So your advice here helps.
Also, he moved back into the bedroom last night. I didn't tell him when he came home from being out of town (seeing his friends and also OW I believe) that he had to sleep on the couch, I think he assumed that's where he would be. I'm thinking my email to him yesterday may have given him the impression that he should move back. I didn't say anything to him about it, just moved to my side and went back to sleep. He sought me out this morning to kiss me goodbye and said he loved me and have a nice day. He has also already emailed me today. (Which he has not done on his own just because in the last two weeks)
I don't want him to think that I am over this by any means, but being that I'm trying not to initiate the conversation about the relationship, how should I handle this? (It makes my skin crawl to think I could be lying beside him and he's thinking of the OW)
Happy and loving life.
Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door...
#2214382 01/20/1207:11 PM01/20/1207:11 PM
You should GAL, like your life depends on it. Why would you want a H who needs a lot of attention? Of course, this OW is showing him attention ... she's new, she's the so-called greener grass. BUT, you must get out there and show him you don't NEED him. You want him, but that's a whole different story. Go out, and be the fun person you were when he met you. Act "as if" until it is.
Why did his first M end? You might find out a lot there about how he functions.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Re: Husband's wants out & one foot out the door...
#2214647 01/21/1210:56 PM01/21/1210:56 PM
Just thought of something else to add to my list - Bake a cake from scratch. My MIL makes fabulous cakes and I always have said I am not a baker. But now I want to try it. Maybe I am good at something else!