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#2207981 12/26/11 04:14 AM
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Hi all,

I have not been here in quite some time but thought to take a few moments to stop by today. I am calling this thread an "Open Love Letter" because it is a love letter to any one that finds themselves on this site desperately trying to save their marriage. I was there. I am so sorry that you are here.

I can remember searching the web looking for a magic fix, anything that would bring my husband back. We are some seven years down the road, divorced and trying to raise our kids. We are cautiously friendly.

While deep in the tunnel, he was a person that I did not know. He was disconnected from everyone that he felt would not agree with his choices. He would leave the kids with his mother and disappear for hours at a time to enjoy his new life. He struggled with finalizing the divorce. He would start and then stop ... start and stop... I never took it on until I had really just had enough of him so I offered to pay half and recommended that he see my attorney to just get this done already.

As for a glimpse into the life of the MLCer ... the ex has confessed that "at the time he thought that it was a good idea to get divorced" rather than to try to have a new relationship with me. " I guess we just have to make the best of things now." He is still with his OW but they live separately. He has tried to force feed a cordial relationship with her and my kids. Kids are not so much into it but they are polite. He is trying to rebuild his relationship with them and is attentive and reconnecting. It is wonderful to see signs of the father that I remember him being.

I am writing this letter to tell you first hand that you will get through the tough times. it won't be easy but there will be people to help and support you on this site and in your daily lives. Try not to obsess about your spouse, their actions, who they are with and what they are doing. Unfortunately, if they are are in MLC they may become a person that you just don't recognize. Focusing on them only paralyzes you and keeps you from moving on and finding the path that is in store for you.

Please know that you must love and save yourself first. You can't do anything to force your spouse to change for the better or to become the person that you want them to be again. Your spouse is an adult and while he or she lives in MLC looney ville you need to focus on you. Whether or not your spouse chooses to grow up, you must take care of you first. Be strong, be firm, be responsible, get a life of your own and get sure of what you need to do to protect yourself. Take your eyes off of your spouse and focus on you and your children.

Don't hang on every word or action. Real change in an MLCer takes a very long time and will be consistent. If it is a genuine change, you won't have to wonder what it means, it will be obvious. Don't read into every thing that they say or do. Begin to trust yourself and make decisions that are best for you. Protect yourself emotionally, financially, and sexually. If you believe in a higher power, pray for guidance and strength. If there is something that you want for your life GO FOR IT in order to improve YOUR life.

I did not do enough to protect my relationship, I will admit that wholeheartedly. I made many mistakes and acted foolishly at times. But forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, you are only human.

I would not wish this long and at times arduous road on anyone but what I can say is that one day you will find yourself on the other side and wonder how you got there!

Do you. Take care of you. Keep moving forward.

LOVE YOURSELF.

Hugs,
*EVER*

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Thanks for the encourgament!

Good timing!

Aloha,

Wendy


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
D final 9/12
Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
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Ever,
What a beautiful posting. Thank you.

How are you and the children doing these days? Please don't be a stranger...we miss you!

Happy Holidays!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Wendy,

This post was the least that I could do ! I hope that it helps someone!

Aloha !

*Ever*

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Hi Snodderly,

We are all doing well. Kids are teenagers and thankfully they are good kids! Happy, well adjusted... things come up from time to time but thankfully nothing crazy. We are a very close family. I am so thankful to God for them.

I do not have a significant other yet , truth be told I have not had one since the end of my marriage. I stood for my marriage for a very long time but decided that it was time to move past that about two years ago. I have enjoyed dating for the sake of keeping my social skills up to par (lol) until recently... there are three prospects in pursuit ... let's see what happens or if any of them pan out. LOL. Either way, I know that I will be ok and I know that people are only human. We fall down but the key to success is getting back up...

I have grown up so much that sometimes I don't even recognize myself. I have wonderful friends who kept me busy in the midst of craziness and helped me keep my faith in God and humanity. My life is far from perfect but it is far from the pits also. So I move forward with positivity and anticipation every day.

I am thankful to God for every little blessing and even the trials and tribulations.

Hope that you are well and that the New Year brings you all that you desire.

Best,
*Ever*

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wonderful post.


Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11

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EverHopeful,
Saw your posting...what's going on?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Snodderly,

Seems that ex is peeking and or emerging from the tunnel. We have had much more frequent contact since October. He sent me a random text asking how I was and mentioning that being with my daughter reminded him of me. Asked me to lunch or dinner a few times since but I am afraid of being burned or falling into the trap of expectations so I haven't gone.

Holidays are always tough and open old wounds just based on the level of contact! But, he has expressed regret over getting divorced and that he misses me. Not sure how to handle other than to stay away since the tramp is still around.

We are at the seven year mark. Tramp is around at least six years now. He has started reconnecting with the kids big time. Now is also integrating tramp in some of those activities to the kids dismay.

With all of this said, I need some pointers on how to handle myself in all of this. I know that we may not be compatible and that it would take a lot for him to leave that life behind because he is overly invested now but, I don't want to make things worse.

UGH what to do?

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EH,
The first question that pops into my mind is this...do you want him back?

If he's begun waking up a bit and reconnecting, then it's possible that he is finally realizing what he's lost. Reconnection takes a long time.

I know you are afraid of being burned again, but if you keep your expectations at zero, you will not be disappointed. Don't consider him your xh, but someone you are meeting for the very first time in eons. If I were in your shoes, I'd accept his offer the next time. You won't know what is on his mind until you sit down and meet w/him. He can't do a thing to you unless you allow him to. I would suggest that you drive to the meeting so that if you get disgusted or feel the conversation isn't going the way you think it should, you can get up and leave.

In some cases of reconnection, the ow is still in the picture and will eventually be kicked to the curb as the mlcers reconnections become stronger. Your children should be old enough to make decisions as to whether they want the ow present or not during their time w/their father.

One final note...just be yourself. Listen to what he has to say. You just might hear more about his life and discover that his life isn't what it has appeared to be after all of this time.

Good luck!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Snodderly,

Thanks. I get the feeling that things have not been all that fantastic from some of the comments. He won't admit that he was wrong but says that we have to make the best of things now. Almost a complacency that I don't recognize. I don't believe in settling at all so this worries me about him now.

I will let you know if I can stomach a meal at all with this person.

HUGS.
Ever

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