Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[Nblost]

I decided to start a new thread. My prior thread is here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2187060#Post2187060

My H has been in a PA since late July/early August 2011. I found out in mid-September. He continues to travel for work to OW's city and is typically gone 5-6 days a week. He lives at home when he is at home. OW is separated with three kids...H says they have more intimate conversations than we have ever had, she's fun, she's energetic. But, he isn't sure about her and a long-term relationship. But, he also isn't sure about us and if he can trust we wouldn't have a SSM again if he comes back.

He has seen some changes in me (I'm now as thin as I was when we got married, running, making new friends, more positive)

I'd like to believe he is warming to me gradually, but the PA/EA continues and next weekend, H is going on a trip with OW. I have told him he needs to leave if he is in an A, but I am now not going to push that issue until after the holidays. I'm nearing the end of my rope on his cake eating and covering for him in front of the kids, family, neighbors, etc. Only a few of my friends and one of his friends knows about the A. (I had to tell a couple friends before I found this board so I could vent and have support)

I am trying to detach and have been distant this week while he has been gone. I will see what his reaction is to me tonight when he gets home. I think he was with OW last night, so he was silent.

Question. I talked to a woman last night who successfully "busted" her husband's affair. She basically went all out to invite him on a hot date, wear lingerie, etc. She viewed it as a competition with OW. I think the all out date is too much in my situation...but I'm wondering about me being a bit more seductive/affectionate in the bedroom. That's where H has been the most responsive to me (seems turned on by me) and although we haven't ML...he is willing to do everything else and also likes to make me feel good. I also think that's the area where he felt the most frustration with me. Not sure how I'd do it, but maybe put on something sexy and let him walk in and see me in it.

Over wine last night, a couple women thought this was a good idea and frankly, they weren't sure I had a lot to lose by trying it. (worst case, my H says, "not into you"...which pretty much matches how I feel every day anyway) I mean, he's already in the affair and I'm already set on putting up with it through the holidays.

Just an idea tossing around in my head...I'm sure someone will pop along soon and slap me. :-)

M: 43
H: 45
D10, D8, D4
Married 12 years
EA/PA since 8/2011 and continues
H still home

[sandycay]

My only advice on this one is: I wouldn't do it without proctection. My EXH OW had an STD that is forever and gave it to him....I thankfully did not contract it.

[Nblost]

Totally agree, although I wouldn't expect that we would actually ML. H hasn't been willing to go there.

(There's several postings in my prior thread about using protection. The reality also is that OW is just separating from a long marriage and she is from a very wealthy family etc...I know that doesn't mean she wouldn't have stuff...but it's more unlikely)

[sandycay]

How do you know she hasn't always been a cheater on her husband? Your doing amazing with all this stuff BTW

[Nblost]

Just curious of what people think of the idea...assuming the STD angle is well-covered by not ML, using protection, and likely having a low risk anyway. (H says he uses protection but I know you can't trust that)

Thanks for your support. Not sure I'm doing that well...I tend to obsess and my H's inability to see what he's doing to me and our family is so painful. Oddly, I'm almost getting to the point where I am more angry at him for leaving me alone with the kids, my stressful job, and all of this emotional pain for the last 4 months than I am mad about his affair.

But, H is starting to say this is very hard on him too...so I need to take a deep breath and be positive. From everything I read, it does seem like the H has to trust they could come back to a M that would be better than before.

[Abbey]

Fwiw,... I said the first time that I would have to have an affair with my H to get him back... then go dark. (let him miss me). And it worked. If they're willing, just think ... they're screwing around on the person they're screwing around with. Mind boggling LOL.

This time is really no diff. After my "bust" of his lies and my invasion of the parasite OW's house... He started flirting with me Thursday, we cuddled and hugged, and we played last night. He's leaning on me. Talking about lawyers, and scheming (even if it's just talk right now) on how to get daughter. I'm having an "affair" with him again. I'll pull the plug to go dark if needed.

You can utilize the same strategy if he bites. Again, NOT for the weak at heart. We as women seem to wonder how the compartmentalize sex/love differently than we do. They DO link them... it just takes longer.

[Nblost]

I'll just have to see...I think I'd have to be in the right mindset and he'd have to be acting friendly. I think I'd want to come from a place of confidence versus neediness.

I would have dismissed the whole idea...but last weekend when he said, "I want you" to me in bed...it made me feel like we could have a chance. I've said a few things to him slightly along those lines...but realized last night that maybe I should just try going a bit further with it. It feels like a 180 to me...but I know there's a big debate over sexual stuff as a 180.

Abbey, nothing we're doing is for the faint of heart!!! The faint of heart would be lying in a ball somewhere in a closet if faced with these situations!

[Nblost]

H came home last night and the girls and I were just getting home from a party. I think H was a bit sad he didn't get to go. He went to bed right after the girls and fell asleep.

We gradually started sleeping more closely together and then laid in bed for a couple hours this morning holding each other. I took it up a notch and we had one of our sexual moments (no ML). I said some things and he was responsive. Who knows, but at a minimum...touching is supposed to help create connection.

Today H took the kids to a trampoline place and later we are all going to a game. I am going to keep everything fun.

[Abbey]

Abbey, nothing we're doing is for the faint of heart!!! The faint of heart would be lying in a ball somewhere in a closet if faced with these situations!

Yep, if you come from neediness,.... your heart gets too easily bruised. It's hard enough to do it from confidence. It can shake you to the very core.

I just remember where I was during H and OW's full blown affair over the summer of 2008. All I wanted to do was suck my thumb, roll into a ball and hopefully fade to dust.

I think it serves mentioning, because it's really from there that I gained my sense of PURE survival.

The 180 sex thing. Frankly, I think if it can work... try it. If it doesn't, ... you have the option of going dark with is another in the arsenal of DBs. And yes, the touch, cuddle is connection which btw, is like a modem to the other person's brain.

Cheers
Abbey

[Nblost]

I have 2 more nights of him being home before his weekend vacation with OW. I will see how things go...I would like to keep him feeling connected. I don't think I will do anything too overt.

Yep, the pain of all this is huge...